How to move past need for attention and acceptance

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How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby Strive4Karuna » Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:54 pm

Suffered from neglect in my life and my need for attention and acceptance is off the charts because of this. How do I move past these things. I have Low self esteem and when I get no attention/praise from people I feel worthless and insignificant. I'm tired of living my life for other people. I have tried telling myself to stop caring about what others think about me but it just turns into a " forget about everybody" attitude which stops my ability to feel any compassion or loving kidness towards others.
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby manas » Tue Jan 01, 2013 9:20 pm

Hi strive4karuna,

I'm training myself to stop comparing myself to others all the time. Who am I to judge and place myself on a lesser, greater or even equal 'level' to others? Since I'm not so qualified to do that, I should give up so much self-criticism and false comparisons with others. That is one thing that might help you also.

Another is: be your own friend. We might not have the life we want, but we can train and shape this mind into something better than it now is. So I recommend undertaking the training of the heart-and-mind as a daily act of caring for yourself. I'm finding that, as I strive to apply the Teachings in my life, I'm gradually getting more comfortable just being in my own skin, without feeling like I need constant validation from others in order to feel ok about myself.

Hope something there was of assistance

metta
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby Cittasanto » Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:54 pm

Hi Strive4Karuna
focus more inwardly upon your own good qualities and a development of positive mental states for yourself, from metta and compassion for yourself and sympathetic joy for others.
Develop generosity and the precepts, these give a foundation for a positive self image which is easier to practice having than a negative image. but notice when and what you do for attention and actively stop doing these things, and develop generosity that is unseen.
you should be your own best friend, and put your needs first.

Hope this helps.
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
Upāsaka Cittasanto
Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby SarathW » Wed Jan 02, 2013 12:31 am

The term used for this mental state is called “Mana”. The thought that there is a person called “I” exist. So we compare ourselves with others to see whether we are higher. Lower or equal. This notion will be completely eradicated only when a person become an Arahant.
However if you understand the meaning of Anatta you will be able to handle this problem effectively. See the following example.

Look at a rock. Can you tell me what it is made of? This rock is made of many minerals such as iron and it also contains various other substances such as water and air, all combined. Now I am going to grind this rock. What happens to the rock? I have only a handful of sand in my hand. According to Buddhism there is nothing called a ‘rock’. We have given a name to an aggregate of matter. In an empirical sense there is a rock. However, in an absolute sense, there is nothing called a rock

The same way there is nothing called “I” but a five aggregates.

I consider everything in this world are different aggregates (including me).
So you are diffrent to me. I am not higer, lower, or equal to you.
There is no permenant thing call "I"
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby Yana » Wed Jan 02, 2013 1:11 am

"I am hurt you don't recognize me".

Remove subjects and objects.

"...hurt... don't... recognize..."

One you feel pain.two you feel empty.
But not just Empty.
Empty from disturbance.

so do you know now what causes suffering?

Attachments to the five aggregates.
Life is preparing for Death
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby Strive4Karuna » Wed Jan 02, 2013 3:14 am

Cittasanto wrote:Hi Strive4Karuna
focus more inwardly upon your own good qualities and a development of positive mental states for yourself, from metta and compassion for yourself and sympathetic joy for others.
Develop generosity and the precepts, these give a foundation for a positive self image which is easier to practice having than a negative image. but notice when and what you do for attention and actively stop doing these things, and develop generosity that is unseen.
you should be your own best friend, and put your needs first.

Hope this helps.
. I can't do this without feeling guilty. Is this in accordance with what the Buddha teaches because whenever I try to put my needs first I feel as if I'm selfish and doing something wrong. Thanks everybody for the replies you all had good answers and I took everything from all y'all.
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby Cittasanto » Wed Jan 02, 2013 6:56 am

Strive4Karuna wrote:
Cittasanto wrote:Hi Strive4Karuna
focus more inwardly upon your own good qualities and a development of positive mental states for yourself, from metta and compassion for yourself and sympathetic joy for others.
Develop generosity and the precepts, these give a foundation for a positive self image which is easier to practice having than a negative image. but notice when and what you do for attention and actively stop doing these things, and develop generosity that is unseen.
you should be your own best friend, and put your needs first.

Hope this helps.
. I can't do this without feeling guilty. Is this in accordance with what the Buddha teaches because whenever I try to put my needs first I feel as if I'm selfish and doing something wrong. Thanks everybody for the replies you all had good answers and I took everything from all y'all.

No-one said it would be easy, however, if you want quotes and passages linking what I have said to the Buddha's teachings I will pull them up in a little while.
But you do need to look after your own well-being first.
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
Upāsaka Cittasanto
Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: How to move past need for attention and acceptance

Postby cooran » Wed Jan 02, 2013 7:38 am

A couple of suggestions:

[The Buddha said:]

Just like the assistant Medakathalika said to her master:
"I will look after myself,"
so should you, monks, practice the establishment of mindfulness.
You should (also) practice the establishment of mindfulness (by saying)
"I will look after others."

Looking after oneself, one looks after others.
Looking after others, one looks after oneself.

And how does one look after others by looking after oneself?
By practicing (mindfulness), by developing (it), by doing (it) a lot.
And how does one look after oneself by looking after others?
By patience, by non-harming, by loving kindness, by caring (for others).
(Thus) looking after oneself, one looks after others;
and looking after others, one looks after oneself.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .olen.html

Accepting Oneself
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... s.html#ch2

Searching all directions
with your awareness,
you find no one dearer
than yourself.
In the same way, others
are thickly dear to themselves.
So you shouldn't hurt others
if you love yourself.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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