and what of romantic love?

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and what of romantic love?

Postby knitted » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:29 pm

I am in turmoil, but I am not going to bore you with my failings. Family responsibilities, romantic love. So many attachments. Is it right to walk away for the sake of clarity?
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Annapurna » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:34 pm

This is too little information to give a good reply.

In case you are a young man and have a wife and a small child, don't leave her alone with the baby.

Pull yourself together and do your duty.

If not, tell us more.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Ben » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:42 pm

Greetings and welcome to Dhamma Wheel, knitted!
It depends what you intend to walk away from.
If you have dependents then it is not right - no matter what the motivation is.
If, however, you have no dependents then you should think long and hard about ending a relationship. Remember that no relationship is perfect and that they all require hard work.
Think about what you are giving up and whether your notions of the sort of lifestyle you wish to live are not founded on romanticism.

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby knitted » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:45 pm

Pull yourself together and do your duty


Such a lazy and loaded response. I think in a 20 year relationship there are many duties and failings. Yes, a young child. Yes, I am male. My duty is to my child. My wife and I are growning apart. There is no more information that is relevant.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Ben » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:52 pm

knitted wrote:I think in a 20 year relationship there are many duties and failings. Yes, a young child. Yes, I am male. My duty is to my child. My wife and I are growning apart.

That is sad.
If its ordination you are seeking, familial responsibilities will bar you. One of our ordained members may be able to advise you more specifically.

If your relationship with your wife cannot be resurected, then I suggest some residential retreats and maintenance of practice in daily life. A good friend who went though a messy divorce and being separated from his young son told me that his practice gave him the skills and deep pool of calm in which to weather the viscisitudes.
All the best

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby knitted » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:59 pm

If your relationship with your wife cannot be resurected


Thanks Ben. Those are very helpful thoughts. I am truly at a crossroads. I'm running out of desire to resurect the relationship again. The more I do the less my partner contributes.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Ben » Sun Feb 06, 2011 11:04 pm

knitted wrote:
If your relationship with your wife cannot be resurected


Thanks Ben. Those are very helpful thoughts. I am truly at a crossroads. I'm running out of desire to resurect the relationship again. The more I do the less my partner contributes.


May the Dhamma protect you and all whom you love!
May you be at peace and at ease.
May you be liberated, may you be happy.
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby andre9999 » Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:19 pm

knitted wrote:
If your relationship with your wife cannot be resurected


Thanks Ben. Those are very helpful thoughts. I am truly at a crossroads. I'm running out of desire to resurect the relationship again. The more I do the less my partner contributes.


I understand. Keep working on yourself. Keep working on the relationship. Learn to understand that behind all the things she does that you find difficult, there's probably incredible hurt too. Be mindful of that.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Annapurna » Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:15 pm

If
knitted wrote:
Pull yourself
together and do your duty


Such a lazy and loaded response. I think in a 20 year relationship there are many duties and failings. Yes, a young child. Yes, I am male. My duty is to my child. My wife and I are growning apart. There is no more information that is relevant.


Ah, so I was right... ;)

When you do a lot of relationship counseling, you get a little feeling in the stomach. :spy:

I'm sorry if my reply was very brief, but I am very busy. Amongst other things as a relationship counselor. :jawdrop:

Yes, you have an obligation to your child and it is good to feel this way and also compassion.

I know that it can be much, much harder to feel this way for a long term partner...

I also don't wish to lay blame, its not about laying blame at all.

Feelings can melt away in long term relationships, and I know there is a great deal of feeling guilty for a partner who wishes to break free,- for whichever reason.

Reasons can be so many, for instance a loss of love for the partner, boredom, a third party coming into a picture.... it happens.

Although compassion with a partner could be a good key to relax a situation, it is often very hard to develop more compassion, when one is worn out and NEEDS something else to feel happiness.

I would recommend you visit this page: http://www.relationship-doc.com/ and also stay here to learn more about the Buddhist approach as well.

It has a chapter about long term relationships, if it is uploaded yet.

Good luck with your problem.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Adrien » Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:16 pm

I'm not sure this is what you're looking for, but I've read a really great book that explain so much things about relationships : "On love" by Ajahn Jayasaro. It's a free book, but there is no "clear pdf" on the net (real pdf, not scanned). Someone from dhammawheel scanned it and gave me this link :
http://pdfcast.org/pdf/ajahn-jayasaro-on-love
I know it's not the nicer way to read a book, but that's the best I have...

Maybe it will help you to understand better some dynamics between you and your wife. This could be good, even if it's "only" for a nicer separation.
Please don't hesitate to correct my english if you feel to
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby knitted » Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:48 pm

it is 2 years since I opened this post. My relationship with my wife is strong and continues to grow (re-grow). It has been the words of advice from this small selection of posts that has given me the most strength. Now I'm not saying that it is a "perfect" love. But that is not what I seek. I think that is like smoke.

It is too easy to be mistake comfort with boring, but not wise to accept comfort as being sufficient.

Relationships - honesty and hard work. Transient moments of joy are the reward.

:namaste:
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby James the Giant » Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:38 pm

knitted wrote:it is 2 years since I opened this post. My relationship with my wife is strong and continues to grow (re-grow). It has been the words of advice from this small selection of posts that has given me the most strength. Now I'm not saying that it is a "perfect" love. But that is not what I seek. I think that is like smoke.

It is too easy to be mistake comfort with boring, but not wise to accept comfort as being sufficient.

Relationships - honesty and hard work. Transient moments of joy are the reward.

:namaste:

You fill me with admiration, good work sir!
And thanks for coming back to tell us how it has worked out so far. :toast:
Then,
saturated with joy,
you will put an end to suffering and stress.
SN 9.11
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby knitted » Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:41 pm

It has been a journey. I begin to understand happiness.
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby retrofuturist » Fri Feb 22, 2013 12:45 am

Greetings,

I'm pleased it has worked out for you. When I read your comment "The more I do the less my partner contributes", I had a real sense of "been there, done that" and am pleased that (unlike in my comparable circumstance) you were able to get the relationship back on track. In my case, I tried my best, it didn't work, and I have moved on, happily.

I think that's the trick - if you put in your best effort, then whether or not the relationship survives or dies, whatever transpires will be the right outcome.

Metta,
Retro. :)
If you have asked me of the origination of unease, then I shall explain it to you in accordance with my understanding:
Whatever various forms of unease there are in the world, They originate founded in encumbering accumulation. (Pārāyanavagga)


Exalted in mind, just open and clearly aware, the recluse trained in the ways of the sages:
One who is such, calmed and ever mindful, He has no sorrows! -- Udana IV, 7


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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby SDC » Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:20 am

Good for you! :smile:
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Re: and what of romantic love?

Postby Kim OHara » Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:17 am

James the Giant wrote:
knitted wrote:it is 2 years since I opened this post. My relationship with my wife is strong and continues to grow (re-grow). It has been the words of advice from this small selection of posts that has given me the most strength. Now I'm not saying that it is a "perfect" love. But that is not what I seek. I think that is like smoke.

It is too easy to be mistake comfort with boring, but not wise to accept comfort as being sufficient.

Relationships - honesty and hard work. Transient moments of joy are the reward.

:namaste:

You fill me with admiration, good work sir!
And thanks for coming back to tell us how it has worked out so far. :toast:

:twothumbsup:
Just what I would have said, too.

:namaste:
Kim
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