I've come here to ask for an honest opinion of myself, please judge me how you feel I just need some advice and help…. What would you do? Am I just being lazy? It’s also a rant so it might not make sense to a lot of people, I just need to open up my mind so I can find a solution.
I don't know why I exist, every effect has a cause but I never asked to be here so why am I here? I feel so lost, I feel no happiness and I’m not sure if I ever will in normal life, knowing that no happiness is permanent. My life is hopeless. I wasn't meant for this world. I am so different to everyone around me. Noone has questions like I do, they all just DO things, they keep busy, find happiness in friendships, socialising, drinking and going out, judging themselves and others in negative ways creating anxiety.
I don't understand why people create negativity, suppression and anxiety and feel that putting others down or seeing others suffer will make them happy....which from what
I have seen does make them artificially happy…and they see nothing wrong with it, but at the same time seem to get socially rewarded for it! I’m introverted and quiet, I only like speaking if its something that will actually help or constructrive rather than talking bullshit all day. But due to social pressures, I do speak bullshit and I hate myself for it. If I don’t Ill look weird.
I'm so tired of life, I can’t find the strength to face it. I don't see the point in working hard for money, so you and your family can be secure and then die. I see no inspiration in this. Am I looking at this wrongly? Do I need to suck it up and accept life for what it is (am I being lazy?), suffer like others to prevent further suffering due to financial, physical and emotional difficulties? Is this what life is really about, to prevent suffering and die? The very act of people trying to prevent suffering causes them more suffering (sometimes) due to greed and looking for happiness in material pleasure or the results are not permanent… but there is no answer so they just DO.
I just want to stop, think of nothing, shut down and slowly melt away out of existence beyond time and space where I feel like I am imprisoned.
I just dont know what to do, I just graduated and have been jobless for a year and am scared of + being forced to work for the rest of my life for something I don't want for a family I don’t think I want TO JUST DIE AT THE END?
What is the f*** point? I am doing everything to please my mum and dad, who I love very much. I dont want them to suffer, I dont want them to have the pain of not having grandchildren, not having a support system when they are older, not having a daughter in law. I don't want my parents to miss out on living with their son, his wife, his children, in a comfortable happy home with a pet, all in a happy place with nothing to worry about till the end of their days. I want to give them what they have given me, but I also want to escape everything…I will never find peace in this world.
My parents have been through enough, they have worked hard, they DESERVE happiness now. If I can’t produce results to give them this happiness, I feel they will not get this! I had scoliosis osteod osteoma as a child from 7-11. Before it all started I was so happy, I was fit, I loved running around…exploring, I had friends and everything was perfect. Then slowly my back bent and so did my legs slightly, I couldn’t run, I went from being the fastest in my class to the slowest, slower than the fat kid. I remember being frustrated and trying my best in races but I was always last no matter what I did.
People started looking at me funny and I slowly lost my friends because I didn’t like running around or doing sports like football anymore. Instead I would just sit on the bench with a girl and talk. Girls became my best friends, I still had male friends but they were more interested in sports etc. I wish I could have joined but I knew I was slow, and football was new to me…I didn’t want to play. Slowly all the kids bonded and I didn’t.
Then I left that school for a new school, my parents started getting good jobs and got me into private school…they always wanted the best for me. I made no friends for the first year in year 4 primary, I was the new kid, I was now fat due to lack of exercise and I was limping a bit. Noone realised there was a problem with me. At this school I would sit on the bench by myself and watch my classmates play games, they would encourage me but I became a recluse. I also started getting bullied by one particular kid and my confidence was rock bottom, I remember the racism he would throw for me being brown, him kicking me, feeling like an outsider. I tried to befriend him but it didn’t work.
Eventually I told the teachers and he was asked to leave the school. I am trying to forgive him, he was just a child who probably had problems where he needed an outlet…he found a new, unconfident kid to relay this upon. The teachers at this place were very strict, now I think back I feel angry that they shouted at me so much...filling me with so much fear and anxiety.
If I forgot homework the teacher(s) would terrorise you until you shake and start crying uncontrollably, I felt like I was going to die each time. During this time my back got worse and every few hours I would be in unbearable pain from my stomach. I had a tumor in my back near a nerve which controlled the amount of acid released by my stomach. The acid would be released in massive amounts at random times of the day and I remember the pain being unbearable. When the pain subsided I would feel like I am in heaven compared to the pain, I remember being annoyed that no one suffered this physical pain.
Noone believed what I was saying about my stomach. I went to doctors for years, they didn’t know what was going on. They thought I was making stuff up to skip school. My dad thought that it was all in my mind. I didn’t know what to believe, was I making this up? Is my dad actually right…its all in my mind? Why am I walking wonky, what the hell is wrong with me...Why does my stomach ache if someone pushes me? I had no friends, I was fat, I couldn’t run, I was slow, if someone even pushed me I would cry from pain in the stomach and back, I was getting behind in my homework and studies and I had no confidence. I lived a painful few years and no one believed what I was feeling. Behind all what was happening, I was still naturally a mischevious kid and sometimes I would get in trouble for little things…everything was going wrong, I had no outlet to direct anything. I always left my homework till the last minute even though I knew what would happen later, it was like I always indulged in the present and the future was the future…
Eventually in Year 6, because I kept complaining of back pain, especially at night (I would wake up 1-2 times a night in agony, stomach ache and my back felt like someone was bending it) my parents decided to go see a chiroptacter. Instantly he told us of the problem, but for some reason I wasn’t too bothered at that specific time, probably because I was a kid.
After the consultation I felt so much sadness, real sadness and hopelessness for the first time. I was so young, what did I do to deserve such pain at such a young age. The turmoil throughout those years was so great it must be having an impact on my life now...I don’t really know but then why I am such a failure compared to everyone else.
Once they diagnosed me things in school and basically everything were getting a lot better. I actually made friends! I had the operation to remove my tumor, I came to school and everyone was so friendly…the classmates even all brought me cards and PS1 games for me to play at home while I recovered. I for the first time didn’t feel like a loser…ahh the feeling.
When I got back to school everything was so perfect, I started playing football, actually got decent at it, and started losing weight! I felt so happy and confident, I felt close to people, I was invited to birthdays and sleepovers. Perfect. But it was the final year of primary school and the year was ending, I had only just found my new self and now I had to leave everyone I loved behind. Such short lived happiness.
I remember on the last day we were going to assembly to sing our classes favourite song ‘moon river’ and I felt so heavily dreamy….I knew this moment would last with me forever, I felt such a close bond with everyone and so did they. You could see in everyones eyes this was important to them, it truly meant something to them, I felt loved by friends for the first time. Then my dad came out of nowhere to take me to the hospital to see my grandma as the hospital was on the way. I begged him to let me stay…he said ‘blood is thicker than water’. I teared up and asked him again, he put on his stern voice and that was it. I said my goodbyes to everyone and saw them going into assembly, I waving and they all waving back………I felt so sad, dad didn’t understand how much this meant to me, I still have anger towards him for this. I was a loser all the way throughout secondary school...I felt so intimidated by everything...but I wasn't bullied. At college I developed a gaming addiction to WoW which I managed to stop before University however I still get cravings to this day. At university I just didn't see the point in life...smoked alot weed, developed an anxiety disorder...managed the anxiety. Took anti depression tablets....turned in a ghost, stopped taking them...felt more pain but felt alive, finished university with a 3rd class degree because I had no motivation. At the moment I don't smoke or drink, I'm not that anxious, I don't get panic attacks or anything...yet I'm doing less than I did at University even though I had to battle all of this shit. I even went through derealization and pulled myself out. When I don't suffer SEVERELY I don't bother doing anything....but when I am in severe pain I find immense almost unhuman mental strength to cope...and ONLY cope.
I remember at secondary school making a best friend, someone I could really trust and have fun with, but he had to leave in year 8 because his parents didn't have enough money for him. I remember calling him from home a few times after he left, but he never called back and I got the message...I missed him so much but he didn't miss me. Then after 2 years of no close friends, or really friends to be honest (just people I would stand with at breaks), I made another best friend...Indian too in a mainly white posh school! We clicked and I really knew him and he knew me, I felt so comfortable around him and we would have so much fun...but we were pretty uncool together...he 'upped' my status a bit I guess. In the final year though he drifted away from me too and I let him because I didn't think we would never NOT be best friends. After a while he got into another group and he stopped talking to me, I missed him SO much but didn't want to confront him because it was his decision to go...I felt so betrayed...how can just leave a best friend like that and break that emotional tie?
I sound gay but I never had feelings for him. I am a guy and I'm bisexual, but there was no physical or emotional attraction to him. Do I take things too seriously? I don't Know....but maybe I have trust Issues. I hate letting people get close to me incase they hate me and my past--- its quiet sad, especially now that I do nothing about being a loser. I just dont make effort with people anymore. I even closed my facebook because my Wall was so empty...I was embarresed. I was to scared of writing status updates incase noone liked them. When I first joined FB people did but I stopped really posting updates...I had nothing to say lol. Eventually my FB got worse and worse and I got so embarressed I closed it even though there was so much I could have done years ago to improve it and not look like a total looser...like MAKE friends? As soon as I make a friend, and they add me on FB they will know I'm a looser or I'm weird, when in reality I don't think I am. I still have the same logical processes like everyone else, I can make witty jokes and all that stuff but I just dont WANT to, unless other people who are incapable of it. I had no real friends (but I didn't care) in college, I just wanted to play WoW, the perfect escape...it was so beautiful in that world I wished I lived in that reality...my parents tried as hard as they could to stop me, they were worried for me, my mum actually cried once saying what has happened to my baby, thats when it hit me....my actions affect others. I made my mum cry...what have I become? I wasn't a child anymore where they can stop me or it was normal behaviour.
Right now I just feel so lost……..do I live for myself or live for my parents and honor, even though the people and family my parents are trying to impress don’t’ know what they are doing and why? (big family, im British Indian). All they do is compare sons, I used to be the good boy, now Im the loser. Would it be selfish of me to live for myself, find the meaning of life, practice meditation …maybe become a monk or wonder the himalayas in search for the Truth....at the expensive of great sadness of my parents who I love dearly and don't want to see suffer. I feel stuck, I can't do what I want to do nor can I have the passion to achieve in this material world, get a good job so I can get lots of money. I have nothing to live for and therefore spend my time at home searching for a few jobs a day, with no real motivation to get a job or the motivation to follow the path which I feel I belong to. I indulge in food because that’s the only happiness I get these days, I’m gaining weight again…I’m fat.
I know people say I’m lazy and I should’ve been able to get a job by now, and its true, but how can I put my 100% or even 50% into something I don’t want. It’s like starting the climb of the Himalayas, the first part is easy….but do you really want to do this…do you want to reach the top? I don’t have this passion. Sometimes I wish I didn’t think twice about life… I wish I could just delve into things. But I’m not an active person physically, I love to think and that’s my downfall. I love philosophy so much yet all my friends show no interest, they just get scared for some reason and tell me shutup. I tried to bring up the meaning of life and death once and they all get really defensive and tell me to change the topic --- or ‘told me’…this was 1-2 years ago.
What I’m really thinking is ….Why did this happen to me? Why am I conscious…why is there an IS? Why was I put in this position where I have to choose? Why did I have to love anyone and why did people have to love me. I feel trapped and only I can get out of this, BUT HOW? If only someone could show me the path would I walk it. I pray for someone to show me the path out of this misery. I want to escape all of this, I want Nirvana. I want to go beyond self, beyond time, beyond space, beyond misery, beyond happiness. When I practice meditation sometimes I get blips, or an understanding of what I feel to be Nirvana, an experience beyond time and therefore beyond any conception I can 'think' or imagine.
I was last year able to enter deep states of meditation. I felt this was the way for me, I one day sat down and tried to be thoughtless, 'realising' there was no me. I realised that the breath was an obstacle as I could feel it while trying to destroy the concept of myself, it was the final connection to my being and I didn't know how to get rid of this connection.
I would sit down and wouldn’t care if I died sitting there. After 30 minutes of thoughtlessness, or trying to suppress my crazy mind with it endless thoughts, my thoughts would subside and I would get an awesome pleasurable sensation. I would concentrate on it and suddenly realise I have lost the concept of my bodily boundaries…as if I was floating in space everywhere and nowhere, and no specific point…there was no limit to this space so how can there be a ‘specific point’. In this state I could still thing but it felt like a Base point to enter deeper states and suppress my thoughts even more. In this state my thoughts are more like ‘wow this feels good’ or ‘go deeper’.
I would suppress my thoughts even more…it always feels a lot easier in this state. And after a while I get flashing lights or sometimes images. The flashing lights disturb me normally and I go into a lower level. But sometimes I get ‘hooked’ onto this image for 5-10 minutes at a time. I don’t know what this image is yet but it’s just like an object between two parts of a sofa, like a table or something, and I just ‘stare’ at it moment after moment with this intense concentration…its so blissfull…it feels more real than any other object ever. Like looking at the colour blue and experiencing it moment after moment after moment…FULLY.
In this meditation there is only THAT IMAGE, space time nothing else exists, not even me, just THAT. I was upset by it though, because I realised it needed effort to maintain. Why do I hate effort so much for f*** sake. I feel effort is a form of suffering and I avoid it at all costs unless I need to get something done…NEED. How am I going to do anything in life if I live to survive…not truly LIVE....which needs effort. But how can I get effort if I have no motivation for life? Even to do a few things around the house it takes me all day.
Where do I start on my journey to recovery...real recovery? I feel like I am gifted…but so does everyone else. Everyone thinks they are special don’t they? No one sees the world like me….I just feel so ashamed of what I have done.
I am the seed and I have been given plenty of water, sunlight and soil…yet I wont grow. I feel so alone…I just want to melt away into non-existence but I know it won't end unless I make it...somehow. (I'm not suicidal)
Please advise the ghost that I am...