I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

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I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby between2paths » Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:18 pm

I've come here to ask for an honest opinion of myself, please judge me how you feel I just need some advice and help…. What would you do? Am I just being lazy? It’s also a rant so it might not make sense to a lot of people, I just need to open up my mind so I can find a solution.

I don't know why I exist, every effect has a cause but I never asked to be here so why am I here? I feel so lost, I feel no happiness and I’m not sure if I ever will in normal life, knowing that no happiness is permanent. My life is hopeless. I wasn't meant for this world. I am so different to everyone around me. Noone has questions like I do, they all just DO things, they keep busy, find happiness in friendships, socialising, drinking and going out, judging themselves and others in negative ways creating anxiety.

I don't understand why people create negativity, suppression and anxiety and feel that putting others down or seeing others suffer will make them happy....which from what
I have seen does make them artificially happy…and they see nothing wrong with it, but at the same time seem to get socially rewarded for it! I’m introverted and quiet, I only like speaking if its something that will actually help or constructrive rather than talking bullshit all day. But due to social pressures, I do speak bullshit and I hate myself for it. If I don’t Ill look weird.

I'm so tired of life, I can’t find the strength to face it. I don't see the point in working hard for money, so you and your family can be secure and then die. I see no inspiration in this. Am I looking at this wrongly? Do I need to suck it up and accept life for what it is (am I being lazy?), suffer like others to prevent further suffering due to financial, physical and emotional difficulties? Is this what life is really about, to prevent suffering and die? The very act of people trying to prevent suffering causes them more suffering (sometimes) due to greed and looking for happiness in material pleasure or the results are not permanent… but there is no answer so they just DO.

I just want to stop, think of nothing, shut down and slowly melt away out of existence beyond time and space where I feel like I am imprisoned.

I just dont know what to do, I just graduated and have been jobless for a year and am scared of + being forced to work for the rest of my life for something I don't want for a family I don’t think I want TO JUST DIE AT THE END?

What is the f*** point? I am doing everything to please my mum and dad, who I love very much. I dont want them to suffer, I dont want them to have the pain of not having grandchildren, not having a support system when they are older, not having a daughter in law. I don't want my parents to miss out on living with their son, his wife, his children, in a comfortable happy home with a pet, all in a happy place with nothing to worry about till the end of their days. I want to give them what they have given me, but I also want to escape everything…I will never find peace in this world.

My parents have been through enough, they have worked hard, they DESERVE happiness now. If I can’t produce results to give them this happiness, I feel they will not get this! I had scoliosis osteod osteoma as a child from 7-11. Before it all started I was so happy, I was fit, I loved running around…exploring, I had friends and everything was perfect. Then slowly my back bent and so did my legs slightly, I couldn’t run, I went from being the fastest in my class to the slowest, slower than the fat kid. I remember being frustrated and trying my best in races but I was always last no matter what I did.
People started looking at me funny and I slowly lost my friends because I didn’t like running around or doing sports like football anymore. Instead I would just sit on the bench with a girl and talk. Girls became my best friends, I still had male friends but they were more interested in sports etc. I wish I could have joined but I knew I was slow, and football was new to me…I didn’t want to play. Slowly all the kids bonded and I didn’t.

Then I left that school for a new school, my parents started getting good jobs and got me into private school…they always wanted the best for me. I made no friends for the first year in year 4 primary, I was the new kid, I was now fat due to lack of exercise and I was limping a bit. Noone realised there was a problem with me. At this school I would sit on the bench by myself and watch my classmates play games, they would encourage me but I became a recluse. I also started getting bullied by one particular kid and my confidence was rock bottom, I remember the racism he would throw for me being brown, him kicking me, feeling like an outsider. I tried to befriend him but it didn’t work.

Eventually I told the teachers and he was asked to leave the school. I am trying to forgive him, he was just a child who probably had problems where he needed an outlet…he found a new, unconfident kid to relay this upon. The teachers at this place were very strict, now I think back I feel angry that they shouted at me so much...filling me with so much fear and anxiety.
If I forgot homework the teacher(s) would terrorise you until you shake and start crying uncontrollably, I felt like I was going to die each time. During this time my back got worse and every few hours I would be in unbearable pain from my stomach. I had a tumor in my back near a nerve which controlled the amount of acid released by my stomach. The acid would be released in massive amounts at random times of the day and I remember the pain being unbearable. When the pain subsided I would feel like I am in heaven compared to the pain, I remember being annoyed that no one suffered this physical pain.

Noone believed what I was saying about my stomach. I went to doctors for years, they didn’t know what was going on. They thought I was making stuff up to skip school. My dad thought that it was all in my mind. I didn’t know what to believe, was I making this up? Is my dad actually right…its all in my mind? Why am I walking wonky, what the hell is wrong with me...Why does my stomach ache if someone pushes me? I had no friends, I was fat, I couldn’t run, I was slow, if someone even pushed me I would cry from pain in the stomach and back, I was getting behind in my homework and studies and I had no confidence. I lived a painful few years and no one believed what I was feeling. Behind all what was happening, I was still naturally a mischevious kid and sometimes I would get in trouble for little things…everything was going wrong, I had no outlet to direct anything. I always left my homework till the last minute even though I knew what would happen later, it was like I always indulged in the present and the future was the future…

Eventually in Year 6, because I kept complaining of back pain, especially at night (I would wake up 1-2 times a night in agony, stomach ache and my back felt like someone was bending it) my parents decided to go see a chiroptacter. Instantly he told us of the problem, but for some reason I wasn’t too bothered at that specific time, probably because I was a kid.

After the consultation I felt so much sadness, real sadness and hopelessness for the first time. I was so young, what did I do to deserve such pain at such a young age. The turmoil throughout those years was so great it must be having an impact on my life now...I don’t really know but then why I am such a failure compared to everyone else.
Once they diagnosed me things in school and basically everything were getting a lot better. I actually made friends! I had the operation to remove my tumor, I came to school and everyone was so friendly…the classmates even all brought me cards and PS1 games for me to play at home while I recovered. I for the first time didn’t feel like a loser…ahh the feeling.

When I got back to school everything was so perfect, I started playing football, actually got decent at it, and started losing weight! I felt so happy and confident, I felt close to people, I was invited to birthdays and sleepovers. Perfect. But it was the final year of primary school and the year was ending, I had only just found my new self and now I had to leave everyone I loved behind. Such short lived happiness.
I remember on the last day we were going to assembly to sing our classes favourite song ‘moon river’ and I felt so heavily dreamy….I knew this moment would last with me forever, I felt such a close bond with everyone and so did they. You could see in everyones eyes this was important to them, it truly meant something to them, I felt loved by friends for the first time. Then my dad came out of nowhere to take me to the hospital to see my grandma as the hospital was on the way. I begged him to let me stay…he said ‘blood is thicker than water’. I teared up and asked him again, he put on his stern voice and that was it. I said my goodbyes to everyone and saw them going into assembly, I waving and they all waving back………I felt so sad, dad didn’t understand how much this meant to me, I still have anger towards him for this. I was a loser all the way throughout secondary school...I felt so intimidated by everything...but I wasn't bullied. At college I developed a gaming addiction to WoW which I managed to stop before University however I still get cravings to this day. At university I just didn't see the point in life...smoked alot weed, developed an anxiety disorder...managed the anxiety. Took anti depression tablets....turned in a ghost, stopped taking them...felt more pain but felt alive, finished university with a 3rd class degree because I had no motivation. At the moment I don't smoke or drink, I'm not that anxious, I don't get panic attacks or anything...yet I'm doing less than I did at University even though I had to battle all of this shit. I even went through derealization and pulled myself out. When I don't suffer SEVERELY I don't bother doing anything....but when I am in severe pain I find immense almost unhuman mental strength to cope...and ONLY cope.

I remember at secondary school making a best friend, someone I could really trust and have fun with, but he had to leave in year 8 because his parents didn't have enough money for him. I remember calling him from home a few times after he left, but he never called back and I got the message...I missed him so much but he didn't miss me. Then after 2 years of no close friends, or really friends to be honest (just people I would stand with at breaks), I made another best friend...Indian too in a mainly white posh school! We clicked and I really knew him and he knew me, I felt so comfortable around him and we would have so much fun...but we were pretty uncool together...he 'upped' my status a bit I guess. In the final year though he drifted away from me too and I let him because I didn't think we would never NOT be best friends. After a while he got into another group and he stopped talking to me, I missed him SO much but didn't want to confront him because it was his decision to go...I felt so betrayed...how can just leave a best friend like that and break that emotional tie?

I sound gay but I never had feelings for him. I am a guy and I'm bisexual, but there was no physical or emotional attraction to him. Do I take things too seriously? I don't Know....but maybe I have trust Issues. I hate letting people get close to me incase they hate me and my past--- its quiet sad, especially now that I do nothing about being a loser. I just dont make effort with people anymore. I even closed my facebook because my Wall was so empty...I was embarresed. I was to scared of writing status updates incase noone liked them. When I first joined FB people did but I stopped really posting updates...I had nothing to say lol. Eventually my FB got worse and worse and I got so embarressed I closed it even though there was so much I could have done years ago to improve it and not look like a total looser...like MAKE friends? As soon as I make a friend, and they add me on FB they will know I'm a looser or I'm weird, when in reality I don't think I am. I still have the same logical processes like everyone else, I can make witty jokes and all that stuff but I just dont WANT to, unless other people who are incapable of it. I had no real friends (but I didn't care) in college, I just wanted to play WoW, the perfect escape...it was so beautiful in that world I wished I lived in that reality...my parents tried as hard as they could to stop me, they were worried for me, my mum actually cried once saying what has happened to my baby, thats when it hit me....my actions affect others. I made my mum cry...what have I become? I wasn't a child anymore where they can stop me or it was normal behaviour.

Right now I just feel so lost……..do I live for myself or live for my parents and honor, even though the people and family my parents are trying to impress don’t’ know what they are doing and why? (big family, im British Indian). All they do is compare sons, I used to be the good boy, now Im the loser. Would it be selfish of me to live for myself, find the meaning of life, practice meditation …maybe become a monk or wonder the himalayas in search for the Truth....at the expensive of great sadness of my parents who I love dearly and don't want to see suffer. I feel stuck, I can't do what I want to do nor can I have the passion to achieve in this material world, get a good job so I can get lots of money. I have nothing to live for and therefore spend my time at home searching for a few jobs a day, with no real motivation to get a job or the motivation to follow the path which I feel I belong to. I indulge in food because that’s the only happiness I get these days, I’m gaining weight again…I’m fat.
I know people say I’m lazy and I should’ve been able to get a job by now, and its true, but how can I put my 100% or even 50% into something I don’t want. It’s like starting the climb of the Himalayas, the first part is easy….but do you really want to do this…do you want to reach the top? I don’t have this passion. Sometimes I wish I didn’t think twice about life… I wish I could just delve into things. But I’m not an active person physically, I love to think and that’s my downfall. I love philosophy so much yet all my friends show no interest, they just get scared for some reason and tell me shutup. I tried to bring up the meaning of life and death once and they all get really defensive and tell me to change the topic --- or ‘told me’…this was 1-2 years ago.

What I’m really thinking is ….Why did this happen to me? Why am I conscious…why is there an IS? Why was I put in this position where I have to choose? Why did I have to love anyone and why did people have to love me. I feel trapped and only I can get out of this, BUT HOW? If only someone could show me the path would I walk it. I pray for someone to show me the path out of this misery. I want to escape all of this, I want Nirvana. I want to go beyond self, beyond time, beyond space, beyond misery, beyond happiness. When I practice meditation sometimes I get blips, or an understanding of what I feel to be Nirvana, an experience beyond time and therefore beyond any conception I can 'think' or imagine.

I was last year able to enter deep states of meditation. I felt this was the way for me, I one day sat down and tried to be thoughtless, 'realising' there was no me. I realised that the breath was an obstacle as I could feel it while trying to destroy the concept of myself, it was the final connection to my being and I didn't know how to get rid of this connection.

I would sit down and wouldn’t care if I died sitting there. After 30 minutes of thoughtlessness, or trying to suppress my crazy mind with it endless thoughts, my thoughts would subside and I would get an awesome pleasurable sensation. I would concentrate on it and suddenly realise I have lost the concept of my bodily boundaries…as if I was floating in space everywhere and nowhere, and no specific point…there was no limit to this space so how can there be a ‘specific point’. In this state I could still thing but it felt like a Base point to enter deeper states and suppress my thoughts even more. In this state my thoughts are more like ‘wow this feels good’ or ‘go deeper’.
I would suppress my thoughts even more…it always feels a lot easier in this state. And after a while I get flashing lights or sometimes images. The flashing lights disturb me normally and I go into a lower level. But sometimes I get ‘hooked’ onto this image for 5-10 minutes at a time. I don’t know what this image is yet but it’s just like an object between two parts of a sofa, like a table or something, and I just ‘stare’ at it moment after moment with this intense concentration…its so blissfull…it feels more real than any other object ever. Like looking at the colour blue and experiencing it moment after moment after moment…FULLY.

In this meditation there is only THAT IMAGE, space time nothing else exists, not even me, just THAT. I was upset by it though, because I realised it needed effort to maintain. Why do I hate effort so much for f*** sake. I feel effort is a form of suffering and I avoid it at all costs unless I need to get something done…NEED. How am I going to do anything in life if I live to survive…not truly LIVE....which needs effort. But how can I get effort if I have no motivation for life? Even to do a few things around the house it takes me all day.

Where do I start on my journey to recovery...real recovery? I feel like I am gifted…but so does everyone else. Everyone thinks they are special don’t they? No one sees the world like me….I just feel so ashamed of what I have done.

I am the seed and I have been given plenty of water, sunlight and soil…yet I wont grow. I feel so alone…I just want to melt away into non-existence but I know it won't end unless I make it...somehow. (I'm not suicidal)

Please advise the ghost that I am... :|
Last edited by between2paths on Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby nyanasuci » Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:33 pm

I will write to you a private message.
Bhikkhu Hiriko - Ñāṇasuci

The experts do not say that one is a sage in this world because of view, or learning, or knowledge, Nanda.
I call them sages who wander without association, without affliction, without desire.

The Buddha, Sn.V.8.2 (1078)


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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby greggorious » Sat Jul 13, 2013 8:47 pm

It's too much for me to read right now, but I'd suggest going to see a doctor and ask to be refered to a therapist, maybe even medication.
"The original heart/mind shines like pure, clear water with the sweetest taste. But if the heart is pure, is our practice over? No, we must not cling even to this purity. We must go beyond all duality, all concepts, all bad, all good, all pure, all impure. We must go beyond self and nonself, beyond birth and death. When we see with the eye of wisdom, we know that the true Buddha is timeless, unborn, unrelated to any body, any history, any image. Buddha is the ground of all being, the realization of the truth of the unmoving mind.” Ajahn Chah
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby manas » Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:57 am

greggorious wrote:It's too much for me to read right now, but I'd suggest going to see a doctor and ask to be refered to a therapist, maybe even medication.


With respect greg, I don't think it is wise to advise "maybe even medication". Meds can be helpful in rare instances, but in general they are terribly overprescribed, and can even do more harm than good. But I agree with advising a good, qualified counsellor to talk through these challenges with. At certain critical times of our life, that's something we can all benefit from. But if I came here asking for help, pretty much revealed all I'm going through, and heard that ("maybe even medication") my self-esteem would be probably fall even lower. I don't think that is what our new member needs right now. But I know you intend well.

with metta
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Primum non nocere: "first, do no harm."
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby manas » Sun Jul 14, 2013 1:12 am

Hi between2paths,

I would suggest finding a qualified, friendly cousellor to talk through your issues with. There is nothing unusual about this, lots of even 'socially successful' folks have a counsellor or therapist, and I'm going to reveal right here that I am currently on a waiting list to see one also. There are certain times in our life when we just need someone to talk to, to share difficult things with, who can help us to get some calm and clarity, to learn strategies for dealing with our problems.

I too will send a PM, but here I will say, take heart, you are not alone in this agonizing kind of 'soul-searching' (so to speak), I've been through similar things myself and you will get through it - but you don't need to do it alone, and this is where a decent counsellor can really help.

metta
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby reflection » Sun Jul 14, 2013 8:59 am

Hi,

Sorry you are not feeling well, hope you find a way to get over it.
Perhaps this can help:

I see a lot of grief about the past, and a lot of worries about the future. But the past as you know, is gone. Nobody can change the past anymore and all grief and sad thoughts about it are a waste of our energy. So try to let it behind you. What happened at school only influences your happiness now if you let it.

And the future, nobody knows what will happen. I find it is best to not think ahead too much and especially not in too much details, or ways things may happen "what if this, what if that" etc. This is all taking up energy and happiness in your life. But in the present moment there is nothing wrong, and in fact it is very pleasant to be in.

So try to find some comfort in the now, in this moment. Everything is fine if you don't grief or worry. Perhaps just enjoy a walk on the beach, feel the wind on your face, sand between your feet. Forget about the past and future for a while. Also, I'd be in the present more in general. When doing chores for example, or when walking to work or whatever. You have probably created a tendency to think a lot about the past and future, but if you train yourself you can revert this. This is perhaps easier said than done, and it will go forward and backward for a while, but if you keep at it (while also remaining kind to yourself) I think it will really help. Then you will get some happiness and some more mental energy. This energy you can then later use to make a decision on what to do with respect to your parents. The decision will probably be very clear if your mind is also clear.

I decided to leave my parents to intend to become a monk in a faraway place soon. It was a difficult decision, but it was an obvious one, so from that perspective not hard to make. I know what is the best choice. Of course they were disappointed and not happy with it, but I know that this is for the best. And I know they will learn to accept it. I'm sure whatever you do, your parents will also find a way. Always better than you being unhappy with what you are doing; that's surely not what parents should want.


This is not the magical tip that will do it all, so also listen to other advise you may get here or elsewhere.

Wish you well.

With kindness,
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby greggorious » Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:29 am

Manas, the words 'maybe' is key there. I'm not suggesting he HAS to be on meds. I myself was prescribed anti depressants and they helped me a lot. The first thing I mentioned was seeing a doctor. In my case just following the Dhamma has not been enough.
"The original heart/mind shines like pure, clear water with the sweetest taste. But if the heart is pure, is our practice over? No, we must not cling even to this purity. We must go beyond all duality, all concepts, all bad, all good, all pure, all impure. We must go beyond self and nonself, beyond birth and death. When we see with the eye of wisdom, we know that the true Buddha is timeless, unborn, unrelated to any body, any history, any image. Buddha is the ground of all being, the realization of the truth of the unmoving mind.” Ajahn Chah
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby Anagarika » Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:53 am

Between 2

Manas and Reflection provided two very good responses to you. I'll add just a bit, and it's the idea that all of us can and have at times in life questioned why we exist, and sought meaning in life. It's a classic question of introspection, and compounding this with a touch of depression or dysthymia can really lead one into a dark hole. It's a hole that one can readily climb their way out of, but its a hole that can feel dark and deep. Through history, men and women who have become great leaders, poets, writers, teachers have told of these same kinds of feelings as you express....feeling lost, confused, sad, abandoned as adolescents and young adults.

It can help to start to get out of occupying our heads, and start to use the body as our guide. Get active outside the house. One key to get off of the feeling of existence is to begin to be of service to others....see if you can connect with others through school, work, or some project that gets you out of your own head, and into the lives of others and being of help and service to others. Many people have claimed that after years of feeling depressed and questioning their own existence, once they began to help others, their life and their perspective changed. The Dalai Lama, in concert with a psychiatrist, has written a number of books on the importance of social connectivity (not internet based, but real, human, person to person) and service to others as an antidote to depression and anxiety.

It's true that in your situation, and that of so many others (we've all been there...) seeing a good clinician is a good place to start too. Just as if you broke your ankle and felt like with a lot of thinking, perseverating, and writing it would get better, the same with thought and psychological imbalances. You'd see a good doctor for the ankle, and the same for when the brain's thoughts and chemistry get out of whack. It's important too, as was mentioned, that you see someone who actually does cognitive therapy....don't let some shrink throw some Paxil or Zoloft at you thinking that will solve everything. Most of these issues are helped with cognitive therapy. Medication can be a helpful adjunct to the cognitive therapy.

The key point as others have already made, is that you are on a journey a lot of us deal with as we go through life. It gets better, as they say. Understand that matters are not hopeless, though they may feel that way. Our feelings, as the Buddha has taught us, are just fabrications of mind. Your feelings will change and develop, and in time, you'll look back on this episode of your life and see it as a speedbump that you hit as you developed. It's normal stuff, but like the broken ankle, it won't fix itself.

With Metta.
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby Gaoxing » Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:19 am

Wow! A well balanced answer by Buddhasoap. It's just felt that being in that dark pit of depression is an opportunity few people actually get. Wow! Good luck! :toast:
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby Ben » Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:45 am

Gaoxing wrote:It's just felt that being in that dark pit of depression is an opportunity few people actually get. Wow! Good luck! :toast:


Yeah, like smallpox or bubonic plague.
Major depression is not something one would wish on anyone, least of all - oneself.
"Only those who take to meditation with good intentions can be assured of success. With the development of the purity and the power of the mind backed by the insight into the ultimate truth of nature, one might be able to do a lot of things in the right direction for the benefit of mankind."

Sayagyi U Ba Khin


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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby Gaoxing » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:34 am

Ben wrote:
Gaoxing wrote:It's just felt that being in that dark pit of depression is an opportunity few people actually get. Wow! Good luck! :toast:


Yeah, like smallpox or bubonic plague.
Major depression is not something one would wish on anyone, least of all - oneself.
Well if you hadn't tried to put words in my mouth you might have had relief from your own depression. I have certainly not wished it on anyone. Lighten up mate!
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby Ben » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:42 am

Gaoxing wrote:
Ben wrote:
Gaoxing wrote:It's just felt that being in that dark pit of depression is an opportunity few people actually get. Wow! Good luck! :toast:


Yeah, like smallpox or bubonic plague.
Major depression is not something one would wish on anyone, least of all - oneself.
Well if you hadn't tried to put words in my mouth you might have had relief from your own depression. I have certainly not wished it on anyone. Lighten up mate!


I have done nothing but quote your own words.
And those words of yours belie an ignorance on what is for many people a debilitating and life-threatening condition.
"Only those who take to meditation with good intentions can be assured of success. With the development of the purity and the power of the mind backed by the insight into the ultimate truth of nature, one might be able to do a lot of things in the right direction for the benefit of mankind."

Sayagyi U Ba Khin


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global Relief
UNHCR Syria Emergency Relief AppealTyphoon Haiyan Relief AppealKiva: (person to person micro-finance)

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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby pegembara » Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:23 am

What I’m really thinking is ….Why did this happen to me? Why am I conscious…why is there an IS? Why was I put in this position where I have to choose? Why did I have to love anyone and why did people have to love me. I feel trapped and only I can get out of this, BUT HOW? If only someone could show me the path would I walk it. I pray for someone to show me the path out of this misery. I want to escape all of this, I want Nirvana. I want to go beyond self, beyond time, beyond space, beyond misery, beyond happiness. When I practice meditation sometimes I get blips, or an understanding of what I feel to be Nirvana, an experience beyond time and therefore beyond any conception I can 'think' or imagine.


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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby dennis » Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:59 pm

Hello b2p.

Your story has some surprising similarities to my own. I say surprising because as an introverted "aspie" ( living with Asperger Syndrome) I didn't know others could be as lonely (as in NEVER having a friend).

The key to becoming interested in life is sharing your life with others who can share their lives with you. Someone you can then share the world with (it's big and beautiful out there).

The answer for me was a partner I loved and who, besides loving me, had the insight to see what I really looked like inside, a most beautiful person.

Good luck friend,

denny
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby manas » Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:39 pm

greggorious wrote:Manas, the words 'maybe' is key there. I'm not suggesting he HAS to be on meds. I myself was prescribed anti depressants and they helped me a lot. The first thing I mentioned was seeing a doctor. In my case just following the Dhamma has not been enough.


Hi greg,

sorry if I seemed to be jumping on your comment, yes I did see the word *maybe*. I just worry for people, because all too often drugs are prescribed when natural methods could have worked. I just advocate giving natural methods a try first, and only using drugs as a last resort, or if one is in danger. I'm not totally against drugs, I just urge caution regarding them.

metta
manas :anjali:
Primum non nocere: "first, do no harm."
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby lyndon taylor » Sat Jul 27, 2013 1:18 am

Would you tell someone you shouldn't take aspirin for a severe headache, insulin for Diabetes, blood pressure medicine for heart disease, hopefully not. But bring up someone with a mental illness like depression, and everyone wants to say don't take medicine.

I don't know how many times I have heard sincere devout, religious people tell very sick people following this or that religion will cure you of the need for medicine, sorry but in most cases that's just a whole big load of BS. IMHO
18 years ago I made one of the most important decisions of my life and entered a local Cambodian Buddhist Temple as a temple boy and, for only 3 weeks, an actual Therevada Buddhist monk. I am not a scholar, great meditator, or authority on Buddhism, but Buddhism is something I love from the Bottom of my heart. It has taught me sobriety, morality, peace, and very importantly that my suffering is optional, and doesn't have to run my life. I hope to give back what little I can to the Buddhist community that has so generously given me so much, sincerely former monk John
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby purple planet » Sun Jul 28, 2013 10:00 pm

Please send merit to my old dog named Mika - thanks in advance
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby between2paths » Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:38 pm

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I understand that I am the only one who can fix these problem, but im just so....f***....tired. I'm tired of everything, cant even be bothered to type unless I use my willpower. It's my fault though I guess, just need to find opportunities to fix myself while not hurting my family.

I agree I can try see this an as opportunity to grow, its just I'm stubborn and maybe I don't want to grow until I get my way.

I'm still jobless and I just failed an exam I put at least 300 hours into...the final effort/resistance I had against life. I got my email and all the life was drained out of me, I really hoped for a way out of this shit.

I went to a doctor, I really do think I have ADHD, I have all the symptons, I told him this and he laughed. I told him to take me seriously and he got aggressive, also telling me that even if was diagnosed the NHS ( I live in England) was very unlikely to fund me. So I left knowing he just didn't care, it was just a paycheck to him. He called up later apolagizing probably because he thought I would report him. I was tempted to but I didn't want to get him in trouble. Anyway he tells me he's booked me in to see a specialist.

I waited a few weeks and it turns out he didn't, he was just bullshitting to cover his ass, probably because so many people complain. I really can't be f*** to see another doctor, theyre all the bloody same, noone gives a shit and they think I can solve all my problems with exercise. I eat healthy, exercise regularly...what more? Next it will be, 'I need more social interaction', im sure that will cure whatever mental problem I have...:/

Anyway, I probably did something in my last life to be where I am right now, I need to find the strength to get out and TRULY change, but I'm scared of it. The only way I can get out is changing myself, what if I dont like who I become and there's nowhere for me to go or rest.

Maybe I need some sleep, I dont know, I had a shit day. I'm sorry for the use of profanity, I will try to stop.

I really do think I'm stupid. I zone out in the middle of conversations, I cant even make my bed without monstrous effort, I will get something like my car keys, put them down for a second and forget where I put my car keys...what the f*** hell? :jedi:

It takes me hours to do simple tasks. I'm going to go back to the doctors and ask for anti-depressants, the NHS obviously doesnt have the funding for my self diagnosed ADHD so this is the next best thing. Numb myself while I sort my life out, at least I won't be suffering.

I know this suffering is an opportunity to rise to the challenge, but I cannot for the life of me be bothered. If I was on a cliff right now and someone poked me forward so I fell, I wouldn't resist, thats how tired I am, I just dont care.

I have all this advice If only I could act on it. I want to thank everyone here for it anyway. I know everyone says counselling, but there is an 8 week wait for it where I live, I dont have the money to travel to central london like twice a week or whatever it is, and anyway, what will I tell my parents I'm doing there?

I think pills are my only option, for now. Staying in the 'present' moment is too painful. I just want to drift off in a haze for now, everything is just so f*** tiring. I still feel really alone. Maybe I am in a hole where I can readily climb out if I have myself believe I have the strength. Maybe the climb out of this hole is really easy and I just perceive it to be hard.

Recently, I go from having bucketloads of energy and ambition which I don't know how to channel, to the complete opposite, its weird.

Anyway, for now, I will try gain the strength to stay in the present moment, leaving the past behind and any worries behind, try be less clingy, eat healthy and exercise regularly, get out of the house more, try make some friends and take anti-depressants to help get out of this mess.

I hope one day I get through this, at the moment its too much to bear but I have no choice, I need to go through this hell, one inch at a time. Just don't stand still!

I'm just so tired
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby lyndon taylor » Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:49 pm

A good anti depressant, matched to your conditions, shouldn't have a numbing effect but rather a stimulating effect, giving you more energy, the medicines that numb would tend to be the tranquilizers or anti psychotics, not the anti depressants, if you are going back and forth even over a long time period between spurts of lots of energy and severe depression, it might be manic depression, you are not going to get a satisfactory diagnosis from a GP, you need to see a psychiatrist, and the first medicine he puts you on may not be the right one, every person is different. I would ask you not to give up on getting help, no one said it was going to be easy, but in the long run easier than just continueing life like it is now.
18 years ago I made one of the most important decisions of my life and entered a local Cambodian Buddhist Temple as a temple boy and, for only 3 weeks, an actual Therevada Buddhist monk. I am not a scholar, great meditator, or authority on Buddhism, but Buddhism is something I love from the Bottom of my heart. It has taught me sobriety, morality, peace, and very importantly that my suffering is optional, and doesn't have to run my life. I hope to give back what little I can to the Buddhist community that has so generously given me so much, sincerely former monk John
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Re: I feel so alone and have no courage to face life

Postby dagon » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:12 pm

hi between2paths

I think lyndon and other have given you good advice.

We understand you feeling of being alone and yes the response from the GP is more common than it should be. From what i have seen in my personal and work life there are 2 things that don't work; self diagnosis and self medication. It sounds like you may need help sooner than later and are not too sure where to turn.

There are organisation that are there that will do every thing that they can to help. If you can not wait for the NHS then it may be worth contacting -

http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/
http://www.mind.org.uk/help

metta
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