Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

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Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Ajisai » Mon Aug 12, 2013 4:03 am

Hello,

For three days now I have been trying to meditate and follow the five precepts.

I think correct speech is going to give me trouble.
Until now I used to lie from time to time, mostly not to disappoint my friends or family, or to hide things I am ashamed of. This I think I can fix: not to lie, just stop lying, right? Even if it can be hard.

My problem concerns criticism of others, and gossip.

I have a big problem with judging and criticizing people. I am a very severe person with myself and others.
When I disagree with what someone is doing I cannot help but judge and I end up saying bad things about it.
Do you have any advice to help me stop doing this ? This has become a kind of a reflex really. I find myself judging others and then I realize it. Like it is almost automatical. I really want to stop doing this.

Do you have any advice to change my thinking pattern?

Thank you !
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Aloka » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:00 am

Ajisai wrote:My problem concerns criticism of others, and gossip.

I have a big problem with judging and criticizing people. I am a very severe person with myself and others.
When I disagree with what someone is doing I cannot help but judge and I end up saying bad things about it.
Do you have any advice to help me stop doing this ? This has become a kind of a reflex really. I find myself judging others and then I realize it. Like it is almost automatical. I really want to stop doing this.

Do you have any advice to change my thinking pattern?



Hi Ajisai,

Its possible that the practice of Metta could be helpful for you.

This is a translation of the Karaniya Metta Sutta:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.amar.html


and this is a 5 minute Metta instruction from Ajahn Jayasaro:



With kind wishes,

Aloka
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby dagon » Mon Aug 12, 2013 2:27 pm

Hi Ajisai

I don’t know if this will work for you but it helps me – I have the same problem and a long way to go before I will be happy.

What I have found is that the “faults” I most commonly and easily find in other are the same faults that I have in the way I think or act. Stopping long enough to question if the fault that I am seeing the other person is one that is present in me acts as a circuit breaker so sometimes I do not snap out a response. If you see that fault in yourself then it becomes harder to be angry with the other person and easier to have compassion for them – metta flows easier in that situation.

What I have realized is that often my anger is generated not by what the other person has done so much as a subconscious response to me realizing that I am not the person I would like to believe I am. All of this arises out of my identification with a self. If you question that look how many times I have used the word ‘I”. :cry:

Don’t know if this helps

Welcome to dhamma wheel

Metta
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Coyote » Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:42 pm

This is something I struggle with too. I tend to react to others in speech without really thinking about it. My advice, other than practicing metta and the other 3 brahmaviharas is to try and maintain mindfulness throughout the day, especially when coming into contact with others. Just knowing beforehand that "I will likely say unskillful things" when entering into a conversation could help curb the habit. Then you will be prepared both in mindfulness of your own speech and your inner reactions to others. One (personal) thing I have noticed is that when the focus is inward, I am less likely to react to an unskillful thought by action or speech. I hope you find this practice helpful.
You are also doing well in bringing attention to your unskillful speech habits - take it as a good sign that you are aware of it, because often we are not.
"If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving & sharing, they would not eat without having given, nor would the stain of miserliness overcome their minds. Even if it were their last bite, their last mouthful, they would not eat without having shared."
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Cittasanto » Mon Aug 12, 2013 7:58 pm

Ajisai wrote:Hello,

For three days now I have been trying to meditate and follow the five precepts.

I think correct speech is going to give me trouble.
Until now I used to lie from time to time, mostly not to disappoint my friends or family, or to hide things I am ashamed of. This I think I can fix: not to lie, just stop lying, right? Even if it can be hard.

Dont beat yourself up when you slip up, correct your mistake, and retake the resolve.

Ajisai wrote:My problem concerns criticism of others, and gossip.

I have a big problem with judging and criticizing people. I am a very severe person with myself and others.
When I disagree with what someone is doing I cannot help but judge and I end up saying bad things about it.
Do you have any advice to help me stop doing this ? This has become a kind of a reflex really. I find myself judging others and then I realize it. Like it is almost automatical. I really want to stop doing this.

Do you have any advice to change my thinking pattern?

Thank you !

when you find yourself judging others practice metta and look for the ill-will toward them and turn the judgement inward and look for the apparent fault in on yourself.
it maybe hard to keep your lips closed but if you would not say it to their face should you say it at all?
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
Upāsaka Cittasanto
Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Ajisai » Tue Aug 13, 2013 3:52 am

Thank you everyone for all the good advice !

I am in the same case as Dagon, I tend to see in others faults that I actually have too.
The problem is I tend to be severe with myself and I usually do not forgive myself easily, and then I tend to do the same concerning others.
Dagon, it is a great thing you pointed out the identification with a self. I had not thought this could be one of the roots of the problem but it surely is in that case.

I am going to work on my mindfullness, the practice of metta and first of all I will do my best to keep my mouth shut !

Many thanks again.
I am really happy I found this forum.
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby Lambcinco » Tue Aug 13, 2013 12:43 pm

I also have problems with making judgements and not using correct speech. I believe the fact that you are recognizing the issues is a first big step. The next step is to work on how to fix it. You are now cognizant of what needs improved and your habits were built over many years, they are not going to change over night.
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Re: Correct speech and judging others: Needing some advice

Postby dagon » Tue Aug 13, 2013 2:31 pm

Hi friend

Some things that you may find useful to think about - this is as much about reminding myself as responding to the thread ..

The precepts are sometimes called training rules – they are a means to purify the mind so that you can develop. I don’t know of any person that I have met that manages to meet all of them at the start of their journey of discovery of the pure truth that the Buddha taught.

Study of the dhamma will help you to understand so much of what has shaped your behavior. As I continue to develop an understanding of the influence of greed and attachment it slowly becomes easier. Use this understanding to realize that you have acted out of ignorance in the past and that you cannot shake off all of that conditioning in a short time. The point is to all ways be seeking to improve.

The way that we have acted is the way we have acted – there is no point in beating yourself up about it. What has happened is what has happened, what karma has occurred is our inheritance that we will take forward. Dwelling on the past will not change the past all that it will do is to distract you as you try and move forward. It is useful to reflect on the past to the extent that you learn whatever lesson there are to be learnt.

What we need to do is to live in the present – reflect on what we are about to do; being skillful and mindful of what we are doing at this time. Afterwards we should reflect on our actions and intentions. The question that needs to be asked is in what way we should reflect. The Buddha taught his son that he should reflect on what is wholesome.

What I do not find so useful is to try and consider that karma outcomes of my intention – we do not have the capability to calculate what they will be. Even trying to do this will ensure that you are dwelling on the future – not being mindful about the present. The outcome will be that you will be unskillful in speech. If you train yourself to consider ‘is what I am about to do wholesome’ before you speak then you will move forward.

Just keeping your mouth shut will hid the symptoms, but it will not train the mind.

Metta
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