advise

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advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:01 am

I would be much grateful if i could be advised on a predicament that i keep finding myself often.

Being 43 years old , a father of 2 children, and a husband of a good looking lady, still i keep finding myself looking at women in a sensual light . There are many phases , during which graphic content becomes kind of an all consuming obsession , sometimes followed by living a life full of conduct and good will . Unfortunately , ignorance keeps coming, hitting back with its ferocity . Have been burdened with this curse from early childhood and getting myself abused with troubles most of the time , unfortunately has left many deep rooted scars.

The only good thing is that i have not grown on to become an abuser , nor do i look to seek relationships outside to that of my woman ( but the urge is tremendous, what prevents me is the understanding that once the inherently familiar sensations have got over, i will be left with another troubled body and mind , adding to my own problems, and to that of my family ) . I have done a good many 10 day retreats and also a longer retreat , during which i am least bothered about by other female participants , and lead an exemplary stay, going about diligently in using as much time possible in untangling the troubles of an entangled mind. Coming back to daily living , and after a few days or months , the issue starts haunting again , going on to disrupt living a wakeful and mindful life.

Satipathan , the contemplation of the the disgusting nature and contents of the body , is yet to take strong roots in the deeper consciousness . Lust is very troubling , as it also fuels , indifference, leading on to sloth and torpor.

Sila , the all essential foundation of the Noble Eight Fold Path , yet eludes my efforts.

sanjay
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Re: advise

Postby Ben » Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:13 am

Greetings Sanjay,

It appears that you are a practitioner of vipassana meditation.
When we sit to do vipassana meditation its mental training. It might be worthwhile bringing to bear the skills and learnings you develop in sitting practice in daily life.
Intense craving and lust is something that we all contend with by either giving in to it, developing aversion towards it (or the situation where we cannot satisfy it), or doing something differently such as observing the phenomenology of craving with complete objectivity. When craving arises, it is accompanied by mental processes, thoughts, images, and sensations. Perhaps take a moment to turn your eyes inwards and observe the sensations, their rising and falling.
In the meantime, you might also consider that the women that you are lusting after are somebody's wives, daughters. Perhaps, if you can begin to think of other women as your sisters - it may help.
with metta,

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


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Re: advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:32 am

Ben wrote:Greetings Sanjay,

It appears that you are a practitioner of vipassana meditation.
When we sit to do vipassana meditation its mental training. It might be worthwhile bringing to bear the skills and learnings you develop in sitting practice in daily life.
Intense craving and lust is something that we all contend with by either giving in to it, developing aversion towards it (or the situation where we cannot satisfy it), or doing something differently such as observing the phenomenology of craving with complete objectivity. When craving arises, it is accompanied by mental processes, thoughts, images, and sensations. Perhaps take a moment to turn your eyes inwards and observe the sensations, their rising and falling.
In the meantime, you might also consider that the women that you are lusting after are somebody's wives, daughters. Perhaps, if you can begin to think of other women as your sisters - it may help.
with metta,

Ben


Thank you Ben.

I have tried and keep trying in reasoning myself , that by this habit , i am troubling myself and also not being fair to my own daughter , sister , wife and mother . For some reason i am not able to see through this blindness. Hoping much very much that your good wishes and that of others will see me put further efforts in becoming a happier person.

Many years ago, when mindfulness was diligent and as continuous in my daily living , i had gone to sleep for the night with awareness . I was awakened after a time with a feeling of the body being frozen and found myself helpless in not being able to move a finger or a limb, suddenly the frozen feeling changed to piercing and moving pins and needles localized to the head area . For the briefest fleeting moment i could feel abstract lust, the body then melted at once with arising and passing, and i fell back into a disturbed sleep . It was as if death and birth happened together.

My heart melts when I hear Goenkaji describing Prince Siddharth as being a very moral and virtuous child right from the beginnings . The eyes get clouded over.

sanjay
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Re: advise

Postby Ben » Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:15 am

It takes time, Sanjay.
The important thing is to keep applying the effort.
with metta,

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com
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Re: advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:42 am

Ben wrote:It takes time, Sanjay.
The important thing is to keep applying the effort.
with metta,

Ben


Thanks Ben .

The heart does pound sometime thinking the same rigamarole of life is going to spring forth in a new womb , and added to it the troubles of an over inquisitive child .

Your black and white photograph does provide me with inspiration , it can be seen that you have realized in good measure of that what is decaying and essentially base. Should you be visiting India , please be our guest . We stay in Chennai , a city in Southern India. It will be nice to meditate together . Some of my best times have also been in giving service during retreats , its a great way of meeting like minded people , and the joy of seeing some new or old students having very rough minds , change to soft and pliable can be that much more inspiring.

sanjay
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Re: advise

Postby Ben » Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:58 am

Thank you Sanjay for your kind offer and kind words.
Unfortunately, I will be unable to come to India for some time.
If you have a smartphone, the insight timer (www.insighttimer.com) app may be of interest to you.
There is a Dhamma Wheel meditation challenge group and Uposotha Club groups with some Dhamma Wheel members utilizing it.
with metta,

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com
User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
 
Posts: 16292
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: Land of the sleeping gods

Re: advise

Postby chownah » Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:58 pm

Sanjay PS,
Just to be clear, are you saying that you become sexually aroused so frequently that it is disruptive of your life?
Is this the root of the problem?
chownah
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Re: advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:10 pm

chownah wrote:Sanjay PS,
Just to be clear, are you saying that you become sexually aroused so frequently that it is disruptive of your life?
Is this the root of the problem?
chownah


It is a deeply ingrained childhood habit .

It had become very weak prior to marriage when most of the time i used to meditate and be aware during work. Even after marriage , i was very surprised that my drive was not as much . It was more like a cumbersome chore.

Then due to weak character and calibre , overtime i found myself not being able to balance both family life as well as walking on the path of knowledge . Gradually my own will began to dwindle , resulting in baser instincts and indifference getting stronger .

So in answering your question, yes . The truth now is that it is disruptive both for my own growth and for my family . I am hoping that bringing out in the open will prevent me from viewing graphic content all together, and strengthen my resolve . I am quite confident that if i apportion a good amount in doing service as well being a student in the retreats , there is every possibility in overcoming the weakness. But having a family and given its day to day responsibilities , makes it not as easy it seems.

Anyway , the wholesome outweighs the unwholesome , yet i know this is a fundamental stumbling block of mine . Mental properties of conceit , anger , hatred , jealousy , ill will or being too attached with the progress of meditation , the nimitas and its jhannas , do not trouble me much .

i hope to swim across, and also help others in swimming across, once done.

sanjay
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Re: advise

Postby chownah » Mon Sep 30, 2013 12:33 pm

Sunjay PS,
Sounds like your problem is not just that you are sexually aroused often but rather that you seek out sexual arousal often. Is that right?
chownah
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Re: advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Mon Sep 30, 2013 2:51 pm

chownah wrote:Sunjay PS,
Sounds like your problem is not just that you are sexually aroused often but rather that you seek out sexual arousal often. Is that right?
chownah


it doesn't matter now Chownah.........

sometimes an unknowing timing of a resolve can lead the way......

sanjay
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Re: advise

Postby chownah » Tue Oct 01, 2013 2:54 am

Sanjay PS,
It looks like you have managed to swim across and I hope that you will help other in swimming across by sharing here what has transpired.
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Re: advise

Postby Sanjay PS » Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:33 am

chownah wrote:Sanjay PS,
It looks like you have managed to swim across and I hope that you will help other in swimming across by sharing here what has transpired.
chownah


Swimming across is a figurative use of speech Chownah.

The problem at hand has diminished in its intensity, in that there is a conscious effort now in happily doing away with this unwholesome habit. As Ben mentioned , what matters is to keep up the effort.

Our shortcomings of doubt , conceit, anger , agitation , jealousy, sloth , lust etc are responses to what inherently are the manifestations of sensations happening within us , and nothing to do with the object , external . The object is acutely limited in troubling us . It is our habit of finding ourselves " seemingly " comfortable with the ignorance of taking the object , the observed and the observer as real that creates all the problem.

The path of knowledge is so nice , result oriented , here and now, and as broad and deep as the limitless skies above us ...........

May all of us be happy and well.

sanjay
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