Ending of a relationship

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
pdw
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:21 pm

Ending of a relationship

Postby pdw » Fri Nov 15, 2013 3:59 pm

Hello everyone ...

First of all, i would like to say that english is not my first language so please forgive me if i express myself not perfectly.


So here is my little story.
I have been introduce to the dhamma since 2007 when i went to my first course of vipassana meditation by the teacher SN GOENKA.. Since then, i have done a 10 day course every year. Since then also , i have been in a relationship with a non-pratictionner witch is the main idea of my topic .

My last course in january 2014 was very special when i finally felt more metta then ever. And it was the first time that i sat every morning and every evening in a period of 6 month.
Before going to that course in january 2014, i was a bit wondering about my relationship and feeling a bit dissapointed about it, but I was always saying to myself, well i have to work on myself and be more tolerant and accept my partner as it is . I have to observe the sensation becaus what i feel is not not becaus of him but becaus of my old stock of unhappiness.
So when i came back from my course , I was happy about the work on myself and i was just thinking about following the path, i felt that i could love more and more and it did actually during a certain period of time , But then, after having a 3 weeks trip in the summer with my partner , i felt more aversion toward him and i felt that i was not feeling love anymore. I felt doubt about myseflt and my practice , about not accepting things, about not being a good meditator . I was thinking , well i am practicing the dhamma , i should be more loving and accept people as there are but it didnt and i decide to broke up. I felt a bit struggle inside becaus i really though that , by being a good meditator , i could be more stable in my relation and find more peace and compassion in it and it really didnt happen that way. I am questionning myself.
I am going to back to my annual course in january ...

All comments are very welcome
thanks so much for your time
metta

Patrick

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reflection
Posts: 1116
Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2011 9:27 pm

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby reflection » Fri Nov 15, 2013 4:54 pm

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.
Why did you feel averted to him?
The Buddha said we should choose our friends and partners wisely. If a partner is not supportive or helpful, it may be for the best to break up. The following is an exaggeration, but desperately trying to hold onto a relationship, just for the sake of it, of course is not healthy behaviour.

:anjali:
Reflection

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manas
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Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:04 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby manas » Tue Nov 19, 2013 12:31 am

reflection wrote:Hi,

Welcome to the forum.
Why did you feel averted to him?
The Buddha said we should choose our friends and partners wisely. If a partner is not supportive or helpful, it may be for the best to break up. The following is an exaggeration, but desperately trying to hold onto a relationship, just for the sake of it, of course is not healthy behaviour.

:anjali:
Reflection


It occurred to me that, the aversion that surfaced, might also not have been due to his partner being the wrong person, but rather due to stuff having gotten 'stirred up' within the mind - as can happen from meditation retreats.

:anjali:
Then the Blessed One, picking up a tiny bit of dust with the tip of his fingernail, said to the monk, "There isn't even this much form...feeling...
perception...fabrications...consciousness that is constant, lasting, eternal, not subject to change, that will stay just as it is as long as eternity."

(SN 22.97)

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kmath
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:44 pm

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby kmath » Tue Nov 19, 2013 1:48 am

Obvious question here is what about your partner is bothering you? And what do you otherwise love about him or her?

pdw
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:21 pm

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby pdw » Tue Nov 19, 2013 4:40 pm

Thanks for all your answer ...

I think i need be more compassion to myself and be able to let go ...attachment make me suffering ... its time to observe Anicca .... everything is impermanent ...love can have a end .

''Meditate on the relationships in your life to see how they bring you toward or away from awareness, toward or away from skilful and unskilful mental states and activities. As you become more aware of the friendships in your life that are indeed admirable, these relationships will naturally grow and deepen, while ordinary friendships will either fall away — the Buddha is also quite clear that solitude is far preferable to being in the company of those disinterested in cultivating positive qualities — or these friendships will begin to change for the better. The process is what western philosophers would call a dialectic, from the meditation cushion to the world, and from the world to the meditation cushion, a process of interrelationship and building toward awakening.”

Strive4Karuna
Posts: 93
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:38 am

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby Strive4Karuna » Thu Nov 21, 2013 7:51 pm

So I'm in on the same boat as thread op. I know someone who I don't think Is a good influence on me. I want to end the relationship but do no know how to end it without being rude. He ask me to go for tea and even though I didn't want to I said yes. I have known him since grade school, and even though I try to avoid him he always seems to pop back up in my life even after long periods of absence. The only options I have come up with is blowing him off or telling him that I don't want to be friends anymore. I dont feel good telling him I think he a bad influence though. What are some other options? He also goes to te same university as me so I will run into him from time to time.

Sanjay PS
Posts: 311
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2013 2:26 pm

Re: Ending of a relationship

Postby Sanjay PS » Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:38 am

Strive4Karuna wrote:So I'm in on the same boat as thread op. I know someone who I don't think Is a good influence on me. I want to end the relationship but do no know how to end it without being rude. He ask me to go for tea and even though I didn't want to I said yes. I have known him since grade school, and even though I try to avoid him he always seems to pop back up in my life even after long periods of absence. The only options I have come up with is blowing him off or telling him that I don't want to be friends anymore. I dont feel good telling him I think he a bad influence though. What are some other options? He also goes to te same university as me so I will run into him from time to time.



its always nice to develop compassion and then ignore a person who may be troubling . Sooner or later , it will no longer matter , and the person will loose the strength of continuation . More than that the inner vexation within ones heart will die away . Also , the last post of pdw is of great use to apply in day to day relationships and living .

sanjay
The Path of Dhamma

The path of Dhamma is no picnic . It is a strenuous march steeply up the hill . If all the comrades desert you , Walk alone ! Walk alone ! with all the Thrill !!

U S.N. Goenka

1stworldview16
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2016 4:56 am

Revenge Your Ex

Postby 1stworldview16 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 5:04 am

Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex"
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.
So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.
The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your life well.
This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care.
According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.
I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.
I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don't look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.
Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.
Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:
Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.
Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.
Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.
Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.
Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don't sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you've been putting off.
Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.
Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.
Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!


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