I am having a two main problems with getting any further in my practice. I am having a feeling of not being good enough. When I'm reading and meditating I feel very calm and centered; however, later on I, for example, make a mistake by overreacting and yell at my kids. Afterwards I feel... really bad and it's very difficult to return to my practice.
I have been trying to figure out what else has been stopping me, and a passage in "Breath by Breath: The Liberating Practice of Insight Meditation" showed me. Basically it talked about, in meditation all your feeling come up and you have to face them. I am having a problem with facing myself, and my past. It feels like purposely opening up old wounds every time I meditate. Yes it helps to heal them, but in the interim it is just too painful to face.
I know it sounds pretty melodramatic
, even as i'm reading over it, it sounds pretty lame. but it really is how I feel.
Basically I'm just looking for some guidance. I'm really not sure where to go from here.
only just yesterday, I was in meditation, and I noticed a problem. There was this expectation that I ought to be doing better. It manifested as a kind of hardness, a stiffness in the mind. And I realized that there simply was not enough love, metta, in the mind. That is when I allow a warm, forgiving glow of kindness to permeate my mind and body. Give yourself some credit. You have made the decision to sit, and meditate. That is a wholesome act. Bring more love into the meditation, that's my advice. Whatever things you have done that were not quite as good as you would have liked, yes they need to be corrected, but you are working on that, right? You are making the effort, day by day, step by step. So we need to forgive. Forgive yourself, and forgive others also, because any harm they did was also due to defilement, due to ignorance, ultimately.
I find that the warm glow of metta changes the meditation. I can then get back into the breath. I am more accepting of my current ability in the practice, or the lack thereof. I can better accept that this is how things are right now. Not that I don't keep striving to improve, just that right now, I am doing the right thing (meditation) and can be at least at relative peace with that.
Forgive yourself, and infuse your mind and body with metta. And keep striving to improve also. That's my basic advice, based on experience. And next time you are in that situation with your kids, be watchful. Know what the triggers are, and be prepared.
What could you do better next time? What strategy could you use, to effectively draw a boundary line with them (which as parents we do
need to do), but without losing mindfulness and actually yelling?