how to apologize

General discussion of issues related to Theravada Training of Sila, the Five Precepts (Pañcasikkhāpada), and Eightfold Ethical Conduct (Aṭṭhasīla).

how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:18 am

hi i have a question about how to apologize if you have been a great bad action, my bad action i have to confess is to being antisocial (ignoring, avoiding, and refuse to talk with my classromm mates), i have no friends in my classroom, it can be rare and strange maybe because it is not in the texts but for me causes guilt and despair, and i have been in this situation for many years, so sincerely im in a deep problem because for me is not to be a good person in my comunity, so my question is how do one apologize to people who ignore you and now you want to talk to them and change positively for the welfare of myself and of others?, is it have to do at public, person by person? i need to resolve this problem with urgency that is making myself very unhappy and anxious.

Other thing what paramitas and what do you recommend me to practice, i was practicing metta, khanti, dana, tolerance, and thats it, and a sort of virtue at talking some times, and one day it brought me great joy and a great smile :D, but thats it, but now im comfused, what paramitas are to be practiced first?

sorry for my faults
thank you very much, may you be well and happy with a great smile :D
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Re: how to apologize

Postby SarathW » Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:49 am

How about start saying Good Morning and Have a Nice Day (Evening) first.
Then share some gifts with them. Eg. some sweets or toys.
I think you are a very nice person and have lot of concern for other people.
:)
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Re: how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Fri Jan 10, 2014 1:06 pm

thank you sarath for your kind words ;), i think i need to do that, the last day i never thought to apologize because of fear because it is a big deal but now i think it is necessary for my spiritual welfare, and of others, it should be done by thinking it well very much. May apologize works and i would have done the job, tha hard think to start a new life.
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Re: how to apologize

Postby Pondera » Sat Jan 11, 2014 1:32 am

Try one person. You have to look that one person in the eye, so he/she knows your intention. Then you say "I'm sorry." Or maybe "I want to tell you that I'm sorry for ---".

What happens next you can't control. The person either forgives you or doesn't. But know this. Once you apologize for something, some people will remember that and - maybe they'll forgive you. Most times, the person will forgive you. But you can't worry about whether the person forgives you of not. You might even get the reverse effect. But an apology can take time. The first step is to get the words out. Tell one person you really think deserves an apology that "You're sorry." And in case he/she won't know what you're sorry for, it helps a lot to say what you're sorry for. Let's the person know you care about their feelings. Good luck.

Also. Don't worry how "genuine" the apology is. I apologize to my wife all the time. Half to make me feel better; half to make her feel better.

- P.
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Re: how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Sat Jan 11, 2014 2:05 am

thank you very much Pondera for your advice and kind words it is very useful for me about how to apologize and that gives me motivation and intelligence, thank you ;) very much may you be happy and grow in this dhamma path.
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Re: how to apologize

Postby thelotuseffect » Thu Jan 16, 2014 12:58 am

I assume you are young (talking about school). Don't get caught in the social/antisocial web. The most satisfying thing I can find on earth is the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha. I know of the darkness you feel. I never had any friends in school and had to eat lunch alone. Confused, angry, and sad... and picked on :rofl: Didn't know how to deal with my anxiety and the anxiety of others.

You are not alone. All sentient beings are alone in the darkness. So in that sense we share that quality. The social games are usually vacuous, without essence, and lead to dukkha. Trust me, I've searched for answers everywhere. The Buddhadhamma is the best you will find. Practice virtue. Try to push your limits by practicing the five precepts and generosity. The forums here are wonderful and part of the Sangha. These will lead to the growth you are looking for. Also, everything takes time. You want to truly connect? Apply yourself. Let go of social stuff it will work itself out if you keep metta with you.

"Just as when a carpenter or carpenter's apprentice sees the marks of his fingers or thumb on the handle of his adze but does not know, 'Today my adze handle wore down this much, or yesterday it wore down that much, or the day before yesterday it wore down this much,' still he knows it is worn through when it is worn through. In the same way, when a monk dwells devoting himself to development, he does not know, 'Today my effluents wore down this much, or yesterday they wore down that much, or the day before yesterday they wore down this much,' still he knows they are worn through when they are worn through."
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:10 pm

Worst feelings :oops: Is to feel that someone will Yell at you or the fear of maybe someone will Yell at me. But that will gradually go away, the karma of beeing yalled at and the feeling of Thinking about beeing yalled or be yalled at I truly believe.
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby Babadhari » Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:30 pm

hi villkorkarma

Thannisaro Bhikku advises to relect on the feeling of space in the body when being yelled at, then the person is only yelling at space :tongue:

metta
Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion.
Aflame, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs ......

Seeing thus, the disciple of the Noble One grows disenchanted. SN 35.28
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Re: how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 5:43 am

Thank you all of youu admirable friends, i tought to apologize and it works great but by my social condition and i think my karmic condition my only way to practice dhamma is to being in the world but over it at the same time that for me means making friends moving trough that way and also practicing metta, and all the paramitas that for me brought me happiness, also bring great happiness. Thank you all of you friends.
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Fri Jan 17, 2014 2:01 pm

I Think as me as a spirit not the space.. :anjali: ;) :rofl:
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:38 am

hi dhamma friendsd today and the last few days i have been in trouble with my classroom mates, sometimes i feel yelled and then it is a strong wall between me and them, but what to do if sometimes i feel a strong remorse in my heart to apologize but whatever happens (also because i have other people as friends or i enter class and pay atention) i lost that feeling of remorse and then i lost that consciusness of thinking of well doing the apologizing and dont finish the action?

sometimes i do other beneficial things that bring me happiness and then im no longer with that sense of urgency or the need of apologizing. This is the principal fact i mean is necesary to talk to you my friends.

May you be well and good, it is a pleasure to ask you for advice, you are the best i can go for advice. :bow:
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:05 pm

just keep on with your work, its specially good i Think that you realize that you have done mistake thats really great.
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:06 pm

we often miss the subtile Changes in our lives but they are there - in behaviour, challenges
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:19 pm

when we arent so tired anymore the hindrances go away.
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby mario92 » Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:59 am

Thank you villorkarma :namaste: may you be well and happy :)
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Re: how to apologize

Postby villkorkarma » Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:51 pm

you to. I readed this in a book, and i have own experience of it to (About the barriers/hindrances)
dont hurt anyone in any sort of way
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Re: how to apologize

Postby rgb1 » Sat May 24, 2014 2:04 am

I really don't see a reason to apologize, the only thing it will do is give you temporary relief. Whether you spoke to them or not is the least important thing in their life. Instead of looking outwards for happiness I suggest you look inwards. Look at the guilt and anxiety, and their causes and conditions, come to understand them and they will have no hold on you and eventually the mind will let go of them. In short vipassana meditation. That is the only way you will overcome these things. This isn't a quick fix and there isn't any qiuick fix if you want to get rid of unwholesome mind states like anxiety and depression, anger and whatever else. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpzurcpIDeY here is a how to for vipassana meditation.

I hope this helps,
Metta.
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