Buddhadhamma and love

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths - what can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
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Ceisiwr
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Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Ceisiwr »

Hey



Could anyone please give me some advice in getting over love


I have been in love with a guy for some years now, even though he tells me he loves me he maintains that he is straight (and so doesnt want to be with me) despite this i cant help loving him. Its got to the point where i feel a strong sense of dukkha when i speak or see him. Is there a way to focus practice so i can "get over him"

Any advice would be welcome

metta
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Prasadachitta
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Prasadachitta »

Hi Craig,

Why do you want to stop loving him?


Gabe
"Beautifully taught is the Lord's Dhamma, immediately apparent, timeless, of the nature of a personal invitation, progressive, to be attained by the wise, each for himself." Anguttara Nikaya V.332
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tiltbillings
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by tiltbillings »

clw_uk wrote:. Is there a way to focus practice so i can "get over him"
Time is pretty much it.
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Ceisiwr »

gabrielbranbury wrote:Hi Craig,

Why do you want to stop loving him?


Gabe


Because he maintains that he is straight (and im gay) and so he wont be with me (although he has said he loves me), so the romantic love i feel can never be given back which creates a lot of dukkha. I try to tell my self that it can never be but that doesnt work, i have tried focusing on the replusive parts of his and my own body but that doesnt seem to have reduced my love for him either so im at a loss at the moment

metta
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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tiltbillings
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by tiltbillings »

clw_uk wrote:
gabrielbranbury wrote:Hi Craig,

Why do you want to stop loving him?


Gabe


Because he maintains that he is straight (and im gay) and so he wont be with me (although he has said he loves me), so the romantic love i feel can never be given back which creates a lot of dukkha. I try to tell my self that it can never be but that doesnt work, i have tried focusing on the replusive parts of his and my own body but that doesnt seem to have reduced my love for him either so im at a loss at the moment

metta
All the things you are doing are making your pain worse. The fact of the matter is you are going to suffer for awhile. Don't try to get rid of it; that is simply aversion. Learn to live with it and give yourself time, but I do realize that is a very hard concept for 20 somethings. It is going to be a slog, accept it; do your practice, live your life and find something else to do other than ruminating on him. Best also to keep your contact with him to a minimum.
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
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Prasadachitta
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Prasadachitta »

I see,

You want to stop being infatuated with him. I would say pay attention to how the thought or presence of him makes you feel physically and either appreciate whether its unpleasant or pleasant. If its pleasant then why isnt that enough? If its painful then paying attention to the pain should eventually erode the infatuation.

Good luck

Gabe
"Beautifully taught is the Lord's Dhamma, immediately apparent, timeless, of the nature of a personal invitation, progressive, to be attained by the wise, each for himself." Anguttara Nikaya V.332
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Prasadachitta
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Prasadachitta »

Tilt's advise sounds good too.

:anjali:

Gabe
Last edited by Prasadachitta on Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Beautifully taught is the Lord's Dhamma, immediately apparent, timeless, of the nature of a personal invitation, progressive, to be attained by the wise, each for himself." Anguttara Nikaya V.332
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tiltbillings
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by tiltbillings »

gabrielbranbury wrote:Ben's advise sounds good too.

:anjali:

Gabe
Best advice in this thread so far, since Ben has not posted yet in this thread.

Your is good, as well.
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
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Dan74
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Dan74 »

I agree that it takes time and there is no point pushing it away.

But it is also possible to channel this energy, this dukkha you feel into other pursuits. Like practice. As hard as meditation may be at times like these, it is also extremely valuable. If you sit until there is enough clarity to see these feelings arise and change... This may be a very long sit or many sits, but I would say stick with it. Times like these are best times for practice.

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zavk
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by zavk »

Hi Craig,

I haven't got time to write a longer response (need to rush off soon). But if I may share my experience of heartbreak. I experienced a tough breakup some years ago with someone whom I had been with for 7 years. The break up shattered my perception of 'self'. I had up till that point thought that 'I' was someone that she loved and adored. An important thing I learned in the process was that a lot of the grief and pain surrounding questions like 'Why? Why not me?' had to do with my sense of 'self', my sense of 'me'. I had invested a lot of energy into preserving the 'me' whom I thought she loved. So when we broke up, I not only lost her but also that idea of 'me'. What hurt most was the realisation that she didn't love 'me'. And the hardest part about the breakup was learning how to let go of that 'me'. I had to learn how to let go of that 'me' before I could let go of her. And one way I learnt how to let go of 'me' was to learn how to deal with dukkha.

I should say that we are back together again after a break of a few years. But it was hell for me during the time.

Take care
With metta,
zavk
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Ceisiwr »

All the things you are doing are making your pain worse. The fact of the matter is you are going to suffer for awhile. Don't try to get rid of it; that is simply aversion. Learn to live with it and give yourself time, but I do realize that is a very hard concept for 20 somethings. It is going to be a slog, accept it; do your practice, live your life and find something else to do other than ruminating on him. Best also to keep your contact with him to a minimum.

I suppose i am adverting a bit, it just hurts so much sometimes. I try to practice celibacy and abandon sexuality but if im honest deep down inside i really want to be with someone (this guy in this case) although it might be something to do with my age as you say



metta
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Cittasanto
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Cittasanto »

Why not try practicing metta? or a contemplation of the body?
time heals many wounds, but be open to love don't make my mistake and shut yourself off from the possibility.
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Jechbi
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Jechbi »

Find someone else.

It might not be the ultimate solution, but at this stage it's probably a realistic way to get a better handle on the fact that this person doesn't belong on the pedestal you've created (in fact no person does). The problem is the pedestal. Which you created. fwiw.

Hang in there ...
Last edited by Jechbi on Tue Aug 25, 2009 3:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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retrofuturist
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings Craig,

I agree with Manapa.
Manapa wrote:Why not try practicing metta? or a contemplation of the body?
time heals many wounds, but be open to love don't make my mistake and shut yourself off from the possibility.
Also, be mindful of the craving that appears. Use that in the framework of dependent origination to analyse your experience.

Best wishes.

Metta,
Retro. :)
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Re: Buddhadhamma and love

Post by Ben »

Hi all,
tiltbillings wrote:
gabrielbranbury wrote:Ben's advise sounds good too.

:anjali:

Gabe
Best advice in this thread so far, since Ben has not posted yet in this thread.

Your is good, as well.
You guys made me laugh!
It seems as though my presence has been 'invoked', so here goes...

Craig, there aren't many of us who don't understand where you're at right now. And I think the plight we face either at the end of a relationship or when our love is not returned is made worse because we live in societies that reify romantic love. We are fed messages time and again that love is the highest truth, the pinnacle of experience and is everlasting. It was Charles Bukowski who said (I now no longer know where) that Love is a mad-dog from Hell. Perhaps it was in his anthology of Poetry published under 'Burning in water, drowning in flames'. Anyway...
It was the Buddha who warned us all that from attachment comes suffering. Also, keep in mind from the suttas:
"That's the way it is, brahman. That's the way it is. Sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear. And it's through this sequence of events that it may be understood how sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear...

...Then Queen Mallika went to King Pasenadi Kosala and on arrival said to him, "What do you think, great king: Is Princess Vajiri dear to you?"

"Yes, Mallika, Princess Vajiri is dear to me."

"And what do you think: would sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair arise in you from any change & aberration in Princess Vajiri?"

"Mallika, any change & aberration in Princess Vajiri would mean an aberration of my very life. How could sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair not arise in me?"

"Great king, it was in connection with this that the Blessed One — the One who knows, the One who sees, worthy, & rightly self-awakened — said, 'Sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are born from one who is dear, come springing from one who is dear.'

-- MN87
From memory, this insn’t the only example where someone, or a couple, were made aware of the reality that romantic love, like everything else, was anicca, anatta, and dukkha, and not the everlasting and sublime state we are hoodwinked into believing.
Craig, right now, apart from continuing with your practice, there isn’t much else I can advise you on doing. Maintain your precepts, your meditation and study. Other people’s advice on this thread is also sound. The fact is, you are going to experience pain, so in the words of my teacher ‘just observe’ and you may wish to limit contact with the boy in question. And if you are in the habit of practicing metta bhavana, be sure to include yourself as an object of metta, karuna, mudita and upekkha.
Take care of yourself Craig, and please make use of the friendships here on this forum for your benefit and happiness.
Metta

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

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