Age difference in relationship

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths - what can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
steve19800
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Age difference in relationship

Post by steve19800 »

Hi Everyone,

First of all, I don't know if this topic is Modern Theravada in particular but I would like to know at least from your perspective or experience.
Do you think age difference contributes to a harmonious relationship? For example if you have 3 or 6 years gap then most of the time the relationship will be going through hard times particularly in married life. I know this sounds ridiculous but I witnessed many to be true.

Can anyone share some thoughts? Thanks.
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retrofuturist
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
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Mkoll
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Mkoll »

steve19800 wrote:Hi Everyone,

First of all, I don't know if this topic is Modern Theravada in particular but I would like to know at least from your perspective or experience.
Do you think age difference contributes to a harmonious relationship? For example if you have 3 or 6 years gap then most of the time the relationship will be going through hard times particularly in married life. I know this sounds ridiculous but I witnessed many to be true.

Can anyone share some thoughts? Thanks.
I'd say open Dhamma or the Lounge would be the best home.

I agree with retro.
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
SarathW
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by SarathW »

This may not directly related to your OP.
In Parabhava Sutta it says if a very old man (say 80 year old man) get married to a vey young woman (Say 18 years old) that is a reason for loss of wealth.
:shrug:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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Sweet_Nothing
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Sweet_Nothing »

As long as there is genuine affection, intimacy and understanding I do not think a reasonable difference in age matters.
Any relationship is wholesome when there are no impure intentions involved. At the same time, it is important to be with one partner rather than moving on to different partners over and over again, as this only multiplies attachments/sankharas creating more delusion.
Homage to the triple gem.
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Kim OHara
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Kim OHara »

retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.
My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
In my family the age differences (for whatever reason) have run the other way: my mother five years older than my father, and my brothers all marrying girls one to five years older than themselves.
:shrug:
My son and his friends (all now in their twenties) say that any girl they go out with should be at least [half their own age plus seven years] old or the relationship is too unequal. That seems about right to me, too, even for older people, since an age difference of five or ten years matters as little in middle age as a difference of a couple of years for teenagers.

But the key is some reasonable approximation of equality.

:namaste:
Kim
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equilibrium
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by equilibrium »

Age is based on time.....yet time doesn't really exist at all.....hence, there is no such a thing as age.

Therefore.....harmonious relationship doesn't depend on age....it depends on something else.

Furthermore.....harmonious relationship is subjective.....life isn't meant to be harmonious is it?.....or the way "I" want it to be?
SarathW
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by SarathW »

What we call the time is the change (impermanence)
Impermanence (changing nature) is there.
:thinking:
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Sam Vara
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Sam Vara »

I don't think it matters at all. I'm 26 years older than my wife. She is also a Christian, considering training to become a priest. We know two other couples who have even bigger age gaps. Any lack of harmony in my marriage is usually due to me forgetting to treat her with respect - so I think this is the important thing!
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TheNoBSBuddhist
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by TheNoBSBuddhist »

The only times a noticeable age-difference may be an issue, is "right at the beginning" and "right at the end".

For example, Sam Vara, at the time you met your wife, all things might have been completely appropriate; however, had you met her when you were 29, little would you have thought that the three-year-old in front of you would have become your wife! And I am acquainted with a couple, the wife of which attended her husband's christening. Admittedly she was only 13, but you get the picture. So beginnings need some form of ethical approach, if such attractions occur at a time when the society the couple live within, consider it unreasonable.
Similarly, at the other end of the spectrum, it is extremely common that the younger member of the relationship becomes the older member's carer - as happened with my aunt and uncle. She was 13 years younger than he, and ended up being his nurse, carer, companion and cook, as he became more and more infirm.
Age differences are all in the mind. If love exists, ages are mere numbers indicating chronological progress.
:namaste:

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Mkoll
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Mkoll »

TheNoBSBuddhist wrote:For example, Sam Vara, at the time you met your wife, all things might have been completely appropriate; however, had you met her when you were 29, little would you have thought that the three-year-old in front of you would have become your wife!
:rofl:
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
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Reductor
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Reductor »

My wife and I have been together for 10 years (9 married, one not). It's been pretty rough for much of it, but I don't think that has as much to do with our age difference as it does with our personality differences.

Possibly we've had trouble from a difference in sex drive, with me being younger and her older. But more likely, I now think, she's just not as lust bent as I am and has never been.

What's our age difference, you ask? Well, I began to date her when I was 21, and we'd not reached the limits set out by Kim above (half one's age plus seven years). I was four years too young for even that! Lol.

So, five or six years sound like nothing, to me. More like an excuse when things are a bit difficult ("Oh, you're such an old man! How can we ever relate! You're practically my father (if you had me while in kindergarten)!"). Anyway... good luck with whatever.
steve19800
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by steve19800 »

retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by Ben »

steve19800 wrote:
retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.
My wife and I have been together 22 years and we have a six year age difference.
Keep in mind all relationships require constant work.
Kind regards,
Ben
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SarathW
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Re: Age difference in relationship

Post by SarathW »

steve19800 wrote:
retrofuturist wrote:Greetings Steve,

I don't see why that need be so. Each of my grandfathers is/was several years older than their wives and they got along famously.

My girlfriend is 8.5 years younger than me, and whilst it's not always smooth sailing, I don't think this has anything to do with age per se...

Metta,
Retro. :)
Greetings Retro,

Thanks all for the fast reply. Sorry for being unclear, what I meant by the gap are 3 and 6 years. It is not superstitious but there maybe some astrological influence or elements involved in some people who were born in particular time which do not match with other characters? I know couples who have 6 or 3 years gap with their partner are often encountering much more problem to their relationship, either health problem suddenly emerged after the marriage or the relationship itself. Does anyone know anyone who has 3 or 6 years gap but experience the opposite? I know it's strange but I haven't seen any.
Even if you marry to someone who was born as you, on the same year, month, hour, day, minutes and seconds makes no difference.
It just two ignorant people.
Oscar Wilds said "the secret of a happy marriage is the mutual miss understanding"

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Marriage
:shrug:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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