I would like be frank and speak about a fear of mine. This fear has held me back from progressing at the pace I would like in my Buddhist path. The fear is wasting my life pursuing something that is not there. What if Nirvana or Enlightenment was just a concept, not real, just an object of motivation to lead men to live a holy life. Even though I'm having faith and believe it to be true, there is that lingering doubt that haunts me in the back of my mind. It's saying "You could live a life pursuing great things, experience great pleasure, and leaving behind a great legacy if you don't waste it away pursuing imaginary goal." So that is my fear that I might waste my life away in pursuing a road less travel as compare to the people around me. I have given up indulging in alcohol with friends for meditation, gambling in casinos for study of suttas, pursuing sexual gratifications for detachments, pursuit of wealth for contentment, and fame for peace. I very much want to live a holy life, this human condition is definitely unsatisfactory, and I want something greater than what this life can offer, but the fear that what I seek does not exist is holding me back like walking in heavy mud.
I thought I share that just to get it off my chest so it will have less hold on me.