In Love - what to do about it?

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby theAYSays » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:59 am

pink_trike wrote:"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.


Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby pink_trike » Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:13 am

theAYSays wrote:
pink_trike wrote:"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.


Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?

Nothing is ever concrete. That's why we practice wherever we find ourselves appearing, with whatever is on our plate. There's no magic pill, no magic chants. There's only the practice of training the mind.
Vision is Mind
Mind is Empty
Emptiness is Clear Light
Clear Light is Union
Union is Great Bliss

- Dawa Gyaltsen

---

Disclaimer: I'm a non-religious practitioner of Theravada, Mahayana/Vajrayana, and Tibetan Bon Dzogchen mind-training.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby theAYSays » Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:45 am

pink_trike wrote:
theAYSays wrote:
pink_trike wrote:"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.


Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?

Nothing is ever concrete. That's why we practice wherever we find ourselves appearing, with whatever is on our plate. There's no magic pill, no magic chants. There's only the practice of training the mind.


And I do do this. My question would be, is there anything else to do?
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby theAYSays » Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:48 am

Something like this was what I was looking for:

mikenz66 wrote:I particularly like this advice from
AN 4.55 Samajivina Sutta - Living in Tune.
"If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in conviction, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity, and in tune in discernment. Then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."

Metta
Mike


Concrete advice about what to do, what kinds of mentalities to establish. Saying "be more aware" does not specifically answer my questions, as it is general good practice, but not specific to my question about love.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Cittasanto » Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:47 am

Hi All,
Dhammapada verse 242 and its commentary may be worth reflecting I don't have a version I can cut and paste but there is a copy on Buddhanet.
Asubha practice is the antidote to infatuation if I remember correctly, and it is also recommended in an Abhidhamma manual I have called 'a manual of abhidhamma' page 436 which can be gotten from buddhanet also.
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
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Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby PeterB » Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:47 am

You need to do anything . It will pass. Guaranteed.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Lazy_eye » Wed Dec 23, 2009 1:23 pm

Love and family relationships necessarily involve a great deal of attachment. It's built-in to the process. Consider early infant development, for example -- those cute behaviors a wee one starts displaying, around month 4, are all intended to foster child-parent bonding.

Similar things could be said about courtship behavior -- i.e. "falling in love".

My advice then, for what it's worth, is to be realistic and acknowledge the nature of romantic relationships (and, if you get married, family life). Don't shortchange them -- if you're going to go down that road, put your heart into it and accept that it involves attachment and desire. Without these things, your relationship will not flourish. For now, you can focus on appropriate attachment and restraint rather than non-attachment and renunciation. When problems arise, as they inevitably will, dhamma can help.

So fall in love, and enjoy every minute of it! But avoid the extremes of obsession, jealousy, over-infatuation, putting someone on a pedestal, etc. Be an ethical person; keep the five precepts. Be considerate of the other person's needs and aware of your own delusions. Make commitments and honor them -- don't lead your lover down a blind alley. Don't be too "clingy". But be true.

Just my two cents.

LE
Last edited by Lazy_eye on Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:18 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby alan » Wed Dec 23, 2009 2:49 pm

theAysays:
You are exhibiting all the signs of infatuation. You'll deny it of course, but then again infatuation is perhaps best defined as a temporary state of insanity. I'm worried about your statement that only you can give her unconditional love.

A good way to deal with an emotional situations is to ask questions and really follow them out to their conclusions, so let me posit a few questions you might find helpful. These are for you to contemplate, not to answer on this thread. (If you responded here, invariably you'd defend your positions. The purpose is to help you come to a more sensible understanding of the dilemma you feel).

Before that, though: are you under the age of 30? If so, it is highly likely your hormones are talking. Don't fall for the Hollywood stuff about love lasting forever, etc. Lust is a huge component.
Ok then what do you mean by "unconditional love""? Not a dictionary definition, explain for yourself what the value would be in committing yourself, your time, your energy "even if she left me", etc.
You're setting yourself up for a very big emotional fall if you don't come to grips with this.

Your a Buddhist, but also very Confucian. What does that mean?

You can lead her to Enlightenment? Really? How? Will you get there first? How will this quest be aided by the necessities of the household life, and the babies that follow?

Sorry for the long post. I'm speaking as a guy who was madly in love with someone almost 20 years ago who means nothing to me now. Maybe I'm just writing this to my previous self.
Hope it helps!
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Laurens » Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:43 pm

Perhaps the best thing to do is not to think about it too much.

You love this person now, great :) be good to them and treat them kind - thats all you need to do surely?
"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

Carl Sagan
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby alan » Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:52 pm

OH Laurens!
Laurens, Laurens, Laurens!

Here is our thirsty man!
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby theAYSays » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:12 pm

Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Cittasanto » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:21 pm

infatuation isn't necessarily sexual!
from dictionary.com
1. the state of being infatuated.
2. the act of infatuating.
3. foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.
4. the object of a person's infatuation: When I was a kid, my infatuation was stamp collecting.
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
Upāsaka Cittasanto
Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Khalil Bodhi » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:31 pm

theAYSays wrote:Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.


hi theAYSays,

It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear. If you believe that your concern for this person is motivated by metta-karuna and you're unwilling to entertain the possibility that it may not be then what's the point in discussing it further? Whatever you choose to do or think I wish you success and prosperity. May you be well, happy and peaceful!
To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.
-Dhp. 183

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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Mawkish1983 » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:36 pm

Khalil Bodhi wrote:It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear.
Seconded.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby alan » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:45 pm

I spent a good amount of time responding to you in a honest way, theAysays, because I thought you were really looking for help. And then you come back with nonsense.
I don't respect nonsense.
Please don't waste our time again.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby theAYSays » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:11 pm

You'll have to trust me that it's not infatuation. Unless you're enlightened and can read minds, I don't think it is appropriate for you to insist on knowing something about my mind that I do not know.

My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby alan » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:19 pm

I'm reading your mind. You're in a state of delusion. Now go away if you won't listen.
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Mawkish1983 » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:19 pm

theAYSays wrote:My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.

Such as?
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Cittasanto » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:35 pm

I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?
This offering maybe right, or wrong, but it is one, the other, both, or neither!
With Metta
Upāsaka Cittasanto
Blog, - Some Suttas Translated, Ajahn Chah.
"Others will misconstrue reality due to their personal perspectives, doggedly holding onto and not easily discarding them; We shall not misconstrue reality due to our own personal perspectives, nor doggedly holding onto them, but will discard them easily. This effacement shall be done."
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Mawkish1983 » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:51 pm

Manapa wrote:I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?

So, not specifically to do with the Theravada then?

Edit: I see this thread has been moved to the lounge now :) that's probably for the best
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