In Love - what to do about it?

[theAYSays]

"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.

Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?

[pink_trike]

"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.

Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?

Nothing is ever concrete. That's why we practice wherever we find ourselves appearing, with whatever is on our plate. There's no magic pill, no magic chants. There's only the practice of training the mind.

[theAYSays]

"What to do about it?"

Love, and bring your practice to love.

Yes, but is there anything more concrete I can do?

Nothing is ever concrete. That's why we practice wherever we find ourselves appearing, with whatever is on our plate. There's no magic pill, no magic chants. There's only the practice of training the mind.

And I do do this. My question would be, is there anything else to do?

[theAYSays]

Something like this was what I was looking for:

I particularly like this advice from
AN 4.55 Samajivina Sutta - Living in Tune.

"If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in conviction, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity, and in tune in discernment. Then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."

Metta
Mike

Concrete advice about what to do, what kinds of mentalities to establish. Saying "be more aware" does not specifically answer my questions, as it is general good practice, but not specific to my question about love.

[Cittasanto]

Hi All,
Dhammapada verse 242 and its commentary may be worth reflecting I don't have a version I can cut and paste but there is a copy on Buddhanet.
Asubha practice is the antidote to infatuation if I remember correctly, and it is also recommended in an Abhidhamma manual I have called 'a manual of abhidhamma' page 436 which can be gotten from buddhanet also.

[PeterB]

You need to do anything . It will pass. Guaranteed.

[Lazy_eye]

Love and family relationships necessarily involve a great deal of attachment. It's built-in to the process. Consider early infant development, for example -- those cute behaviors a wee one starts displaying, around month 4, are all intended to foster child-parent bonding.

Similar things could be said about courtship behavior -- i.e. "falling in love".

My advice then, for what it's worth, is to be realistic and acknowledge the nature of romantic relationships (and, if you get married, family life). Don't shortchange them -- if you're going to go down that road, put your heart into it and accept that it involves attachment and desire. Without these things, your relationship will not flourish. For now, you can focus on appropriate attachment and restraint rather than non-attachment and renunciation. When problems arise, as they inevitably will, dhamma can help.

So fall in love, and enjoy every minute of it! But avoid the extremes of obsession, jealousy, over-infatuation, putting someone on a pedestal, etc. Be an ethical person; keep the five precepts. Be considerate of the other person's needs and aware of your own delusions. Make commitments and honor them -- don't lead your lover down a blind alley. Don't be too "clingy". But be true.

Just my two cents.

LE

[alan]

theAysays:
You are exhibiting all the signs of infatuation. You'll deny it of course, but then again infatuation is perhaps best defined as a temporary state of insanity. I'm worried about your statement that only you can give her unconditional love.

A good way to deal with an emotional situations is to ask questions and really follow them out to their conclusions, so let me posit a few questions you might find helpful. These are for you to contemplate, not to answer on this thread. (If you responded here, invariably you'd defend your positions. The purpose is to help you come to a more sensible understanding of the dilemma you feel).

Before that, though: are you under the age of 30? If so, it is highly likely your hormones are talking. Don't fall for the Hollywood stuff about love lasting forever, etc. Lust is a huge component.
Ok then what do you mean by "unconditional love""? Not a dictionary definition, explain for yourself what the value would be in committing yourself, your time, your energy "even if she left me", etc.
You're setting yourself up for a very big emotional fall if you don't come to grips with this.

Your a Buddhist, but also very Confucian. What does that mean?

You can lead her to Enlightenment? Really? How? Will you get there first? How will this quest be aided by the necessities of the household life, and the babies that follow?

Sorry for the long post. I'm speaking as a guy who was madly in love with someone almost 20 years ago who means nothing to me now. Maybe I'm just writing this to my previous self.
Hope it helps!

[Laurens]

Perhaps the best thing to do is not to think about it too much.

You love this person now, great be good to them and treat them kind - thats all you need to do surely?

[alan]

OH Laurens!
Laurens, Laurens, Laurens!

Here is our thirsty man!

[theAYSays]

Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.

[Cittasanto]

infatuation isn't necessarily sexual!
from dictionary.com
1. the state of being infatuated.
2. the act of infatuating.
3. foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.
4. the object of a person's infatuation: When I was a kid, my infatuation was stamp collecting.

[Khalil Bodhi]

Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.

hi theAYSays,

It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear. If you believe that your concern for this person is motivated by metta-karuna and you're unwilling to entertain the possibility that it may not be then what's the point in discussing it further? Whatever you choose to do or think I wish you success and prosperity. May you be well, happy and peaceful!

[Mawkish1983]

It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear.

Seconded.

[alan]

I spent a good amount of time responding to you in a honest way, theAysays, because I thought you were really looking for help. And then you come back with nonsense.
I don't respect nonsense.
Please don't waste our time again.

[theAYSays]

You'll have to trust me that it's not infatuation. Unless you're enlightened and can read minds, I don't think it is appropriate for you to insist on knowing something about my mind that I do not know.

My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.

[alan]

I'm reading your mind. You're in a state of delusion. Now go away if you won't listen.

[Mawkish1983]

My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.

Such as?

[Cittasanto]

I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?

[Mawkish1983]

I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?

So, not specifically to do with the Theravada then?

Edit: I see this thread has been moved to the lounge now that's probably for the best