In Love - what to do about it?

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theAYSays
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by theAYSays »

Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.
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Cittasanto
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Cittasanto »

infatuation isn't necessarily sexual!
from dictionary.com
1. the state of being infatuated.
2. the act of infatuating.
3. foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.
4. the object of a person's infatuation: When I was a kid, my infatuation was stamp collecting.
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He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill
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Khalil Bodhi
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Khalil Bodhi »

theAYSays wrote:Great comments, guys. Thank you.

I think one of the problems we're coming across in this discussion is a hidden assumption that we equate love between a man and a woman (who are related) as intrinsically lustful or sexual. This is not the case here. So please, do not bring up infatuation again.

Think of it as a mother very concerned for her child or vice versa.

She's going through some issues related to love which will only intensify in the future, and I believe that if she can love me, I can really help her find happiness.
hi theAYSays,

It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear. If you believe that your concern for this person is motivated by metta-karuna and you're unwilling to entertain the possibility that it may not be then what's the point in discussing it further? Whatever you choose to do or think I wish you success and prosperity. May you be well, happy and peaceful!
To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.
-Dhp. 183

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Mawkish1983
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Mawkish1983 »

Khalil Bodhi wrote:It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear.
Seconded.
alan
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by alan »

I spent a good amount of time responding to you in a honest way, theAysays, because I thought you were really looking for help. And then you come back with nonsense.
I don't respect nonsense.
Please don't waste our time again.
theAYSays
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by theAYSays »

You'll have to trust me that it's not infatuation. Unless you're enlightened and can read minds, I don't think it is appropriate for you to insist on knowing something about my mind that I do not know.

My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.
alan
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by alan »

I'm reading your mind. You're in a state of delusion. Now go away if you won't listen.
Mawkish1983
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Mawkish1983 »

theAYSays wrote:My question is if there is anything else I can do at this point.
Such as?
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Cittasanto
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Cittasanto »

I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?
Blog, Suttas, Aj Chah, Facebook.

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill
Mawkish1983
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Mawkish1983 »

Manapa wrote:I believe he wants advice on how to get into a relationship with this person? and he will be happy in the relationship even if they cheat on him?
So, not specifically to do with the Theravada then?

Edit: I see this thread has been moved to the lounge now :) that's probably for the best
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adosa
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by adosa »

theAYSays,

Are you asking, on a Buddhist forum, if there are some magical chants or rituals you can do, that the Buddha taught, which will help you get the girl? This is not what the Buddha taught. He did teach how to behave ethically within a relationship and how to achieve mundane happiness in the here and now. But as for anything magical, this was not in the Buddha's purview.

sorry,


adosa
"To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas" - Dhammapada 183
Laurens
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Laurens »

Basically, you are attached to this person. You may be deluded into thinking otherwise, but so long as you have feelings and ideas about this person - that in your mind seperate them out from everyone else as being significant and special to you, then you are attached to them.

Now, there is nothing wrong per se about being attached and in love with someone, but this love you feel is suffering - it may not be apparent right now, but as soon as the conditions for your love of this person cease to be met, you will suffer, as soon as you are parted from this person you will suffer and so on. So long as you are aware of this then go head, be in love, but try to see it for what it is because being deluded about things will make it worse for the both of you when it inevitably encounters change.

The best advice I can give is to be kind and understanding towards that person, nothing is going to make this last forever - you should not think of it in these terms. You say you want to spend the rest of your lifetimes with them... I think you're mad :rofl: you'll be sick of them before the end of this life! Why would want that to continue in the next life?

Take this feeling for what it really is, and while it lasts be good to that person, do not see them as something belonging to you and don't expect anything from them, and don't expect things to last forever - you should be ok if you understand that.
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

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jcsuperstar
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by jcsuperstar »

run, run as fast and as far as you can..... :tongue:

but seriously, you love a girl who doesn't love you, but you think it would help her to love you, and you want advice about this like you're in a relationship?

maybe you should just wait and see what happens? she could find you totally appalling, you never know. don't set yourself up for heartbreak and remember she is a person not some thing that needs to love you or needs you to fix her.
สัพเพ สัตตา สุขีตา โหนตุ

the mountain may be heavy in and of itself, but if you're not trying to carry it it's not heavy to you- Ajaan Suwat
PeterB
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by PeterB »

Mawkish1983 wrote:
Khalil Bodhi wrote:It sounds as if you're not open to any ideas which may run contrary to the answer you'd like to hear.
Seconded.
This kind of thing is known in counselling circles as " there is a problem for every solution "..... :smile:
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Guy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Post by Guy »

Hi theAYSays,

Please don't think that you are being attacked or persecuted, the intentions of the people on this forum is to help you to see things clearly. What gives them the right to claim they know something you don't know about your own situation? Fair question. It is because a lot of people on this forum have been practicing the Noble Eightfold Path for a long long time (some perhaps for many lifetimes), watching their own minds very closely and discerning between wholesome states and unwholesome states, cultivating the skilful and abandoning the unskilful. It is because of this thorough understanding of the nature of their own minds that they can see these same skilful, unskilful, wholesome and unwholesome ways of thinking expressed in the speech and actions of others. They might not be reading your mind directly, but what you are saying reveals a great deal about how you think.

It is the very nature of deluded states of mind that they are very difficult for the person under their influence to see them. It is a great help to have friends on The Path to help point out these delusions until we become skilful enough to recognize them ourselves. In the Sedaka Sutta The Buddha used the simile of two acrobats who both protect themselves and each other. If you have Faith in The Buddha, The Dhamma and The Sangha then please try to be humble enough to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, others might have put in the time and effort to practice the Buddha's teaching to understand the processes of mental defilements by watching themselves and can therefore help others who are going through the same things they have.

I wish you all the best on The Path, it takes a lot of courage and humility to walk this Path. Are you up to the challenge?

With Metta,

Guy
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm
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