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In Love - what to do about it? - Page 3 - Dhamma Wheel

In Love - what to do about it?

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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adosa
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby adosa » Thu Dec 24, 2009 5:28 pm

theAYSays,

Are you asking, on a Buddhist forum, if there are some magical chants or rituals you can do, that the Buddha taught, which will help you get the girl? This is not what the Buddha taught. He did teach how to behave ethically within a relationship and how to achieve mundane happiness in the here and now. But as for anything magical, this was not in the Buddha's purview.

sorry,


adosa
"To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas" - Dhammapada 183

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Laurens
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Laurens » Thu Dec 24, 2009 6:03 pm

Basically, you are attached to this person. You may be deluded into thinking otherwise, but so long as you have feelings and ideas about this person - that in your mind seperate them out from everyone else as being significant and special to you, then you are attached to them.

Now, there is nothing wrong per se about being attached and in love with someone, but this love you feel is suffering - it may not be apparent right now, but as soon as the conditions for your love of this person cease to be met, you will suffer, as soon as you are parted from this person you will suffer and so on. So long as you are aware of this then go head, be in love, but try to see it for what it is because being deluded about things will make it worse for the both of you when it inevitably encounters change.

The best advice I can give is to be kind and understanding towards that person, nothing is going to make this last forever - you should not think of it in these terms. You say you want to spend the rest of your lifetimes with them... I think you're mad :rofl: you'll be sick of them before the end of this life! Why would want that to continue in the next life?

Take this feeling for what it really is, and while it lasts be good to that person, do not see them as something belonging to you and don't expect anything from them, and don't expect things to last forever - you should be ok if you understand that.
"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

Carl Sagan

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jcsuperstar
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby jcsuperstar » Fri Dec 25, 2009 1:36 am

run, run as fast and as far as you can..... :tongue:

but seriously, you love a girl who doesn't love you, but you think it would help her to love you, and you want advice about this like you're in a relationship?

maybe you should just wait and see what happens? she could find you totally appalling, you never know. don't set yourself up for heartbreak and remember she is a person not some thing that needs to love you or needs you to fix her.
สัพเพ สัตตา สุขีตา โหนตุ

the mountain may be heavy in and of itself, but if you're not trying to carry it it's not heavy to you- Ajaan Suwat

PeterB
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby PeterB » Fri Dec 25, 2009 6:21 pm


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Guy
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Guy » Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:54 am

Hi theAYSays,

Please don't think that you are being attacked or persecuted, the intentions of the people on this forum is to help you to see things clearly. What gives them the right to claim they know something you don't know about your own situation? Fair question. It is because a lot of people on this forum have been practicing the Noble Eightfold Path for a long long time (some perhaps for many lifetimes), watching their own minds very closely and discerning between wholesome states and unwholesome states, cultivating the skilful and abandoning the unskilful. It is because of this thorough understanding of the nature of their own minds that they can see these same skilful, unskilful, wholesome and unwholesome ways of thinking expressed in the speech and actions of others. They might not be reading your mind directly, but what you are saying reveals a great deal about how you think.

It is the very nature of deluded states of mind that they are very difficult for the person under their influence to see them. It is a great help to have friends on The Path to help point out these delusions until we become skilful enough to recognize them ourselves. In the The Buddha used the simile of two acrobats who both protect themselves and each other. If you have Faith in The Buddha, The Dhamma and The Sangha then please try to be humble enough to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, others might have put in the time and effort to practice the Buddha's teaching to understand the processes of mental defilements by watching themselves and can therefore help others who are going through the same things they have.

I wish you all the best on The Path, it takes a lot of courage and humility to walk this Path. Are you up to the challenge?

With Metta,

Guy
Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm

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Fede
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Fede » Sat Dec 26, 2009 5:00 pm

theAYsays has posted this on another forum - in two different sub-forums.
This hints at a touch of desperation, not to say obsession.....

I really think it's time to ask you, what answer are you looking for?
What is it you want people to actually say to you?
What words do you seek, in answer to your questions?

What would you like to hear us actually respond with?
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/

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Dugu
Posts: 112
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Dugu » Wed Dec 30, 2009 12:56 pm

Love is so blinding isn't it? Most of us have gone through it at one point. :namaste:

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salty-J
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Location: Los Angeles, California

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby salty-J » Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:55 am

in my past experiance, the more intense the "love", the more intense the suffering that followed eventually.....
"It is what it is." -foreman infamous for throwing wrenches in fits of rage

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Guy
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Location: Perth, Western Australia

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Guy » Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:20 am

Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm

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Annapurna
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Annapurna » Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:14 pm

Hello, theAYSays

Several of our members are married and have children, and are still seriously practising Buddhists, for instance Retro and Ben.

So I see no reason why you should go celibate and live like a monk, unless that is what you want to do- ordain.

If the love is mutual, go for it, a marriage and parenthood provide excellent chances to practice Buddhist virtues such as compassion, selflessness and others.

It may also be perfectly consistent with your present karma.

Plus, don't worry about her getting old alone.

You'll age with her, and- believe me, with somebody you've known young you will always see that shining through, especially when you love.

Age is ripples on the water, but not the pond. :heart:

Perhaps you can even be dhamma friends, and that is a precious gift.

I wish you good luck.


Annabel
http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

Sanghamitta
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Sanghamitta » Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:21 pm

Perhaps there is a difference between loving someone and being "in love", the latter it seems to me is fairly pathological but usually short lived.. :tongue:
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.

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Annapurna
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Annapurna » Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:27 pm

Of course there is a difference.

But they can walk hand in hand. If "being in love" subsides, love is still a good horse to pull the carriage, especially when the second horse is being "best friends".

I've seen such couples. Also my parents were such a couple. That's why I know it is possible.
http://www.schmuckzauberei.blogspot.com/

kayy
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:20 pm

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby kayy » Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:53 pm

I personally don't think that being in a relationship is contradictory to Dharma practice, even when you've reached advanced levels of meditation, practice and awakening.

If that were the case, it would be best to try to convince everyone in the world to aim towards monkhood, thus making extinct the human race.

Ignoring, suppressing or trying to remove desire does not work.



If the girl you love reciprocates your feelings, then go for it, take care of each other and be happy!

kayy
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:20 pm

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby kayy » Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:54 pm


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Guy
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Joined: Fri May 22, 2009 4:05 am
Location: Perth, Western Australia

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Guy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:27 am

Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm

kayy
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:20 pm

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby kayy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:34 pm


kayy
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:20 pm

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby kayy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:41 pm

Guy - do you mean to say that Stephen Batchelor, Martin Aylward, Joseph Goldstein, Sharon Salzberg, Jack Kornfield and all the other lay Buddhist teachers, famous or otherwise, who currently are or have previously been in relationships, are not committed to ending suffering in this lifetime?

Best regards

Katy

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baratgab
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Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby baratgab » Mon Feb 01, 2010 10:15 pm

"Just as in the great ocean there is but one taste — the taste of salt — so in this Doctrine and Discipline there is but one taste — the taste of freedom"

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Guy
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Location: Perth, Western Australia

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby Guy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 11:58 pm

Four types of letting go:

1) Giving; expecting nothing back in return
2) Throwing things away
3) Contentment; wanting to be here, not wanting to be anywhere else
4) "Teflon Mind"; having a mind which doesn't accumulate things

- Ajahn Brahm

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retrofuturist
Site Admin
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Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: In Love - what to do about it?

Postby retrofuturist » Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:16 am

"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead" - Thomas Paine


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