Joke!!!

[cooran]

Where is this place?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.
At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

[cooran]

An old lady went to the Supermarket to buy some Cat Food and when she got to the checkout, the Cashier said..
"I am sorry, I am unable to sell this to you, unless you can prove to me that you indeed do have a cat.
We have many complaints that elderly people are buying Cat Food for their own consumption, so we need proof you have a cat!"

The old lady went home..got her cat..and the Supermarket allowed her to purchase the Cat food..

The following week, the Old Lady wanted to purchase some Dog Food and was again told..
"Madam..We have been through this before..Unless you can truly prove you have a dog, we are unable to let you purchase this Dog Food!"

Back went the poor dear to get her dog and then they sold the food to her..

Now..A few weeks went by and the Old Lady returned to the shop with a small box in her hand.
She went up to the Cashier and asked her to put her finger in the little hole at the top..
"I am not putting my finger in there!" said the same cashier who had been serving her.."There might be a snake in there!"
"No, No..I wouldn't do anything to hurt you my dear!" said the Lady..
So the cashier put her finger in and when she pulled it out..The little Old Lady asked her to smell it...which she duly did...and then turned up her nose and said...
'It smells like faeces!" said the cashier...

"That is exactly what it is ...Now can I have 4 rolls of toilet paper?"

[Paññāsikhara]

The Australian Taxation Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

...

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

Chris, many years ago, starting from my last year at high school, I started writing my own joke book.
This joke, amongst the thousands that it soon contained, was probably one of my favorite jokes ever! (Though slightly different version.)

[Prasadachitta]

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

[Vepacitta]

Why does it take Buddhists so long to vacuum a room?

Because they don't have any attachments.




V.

[cooran]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it.
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Sanghamitta]

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

Some Jubu ( Jewish Buddhist ) jokes.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so hard ?

We all responsible for our present kamma. In your last life you never called. You never wrote your mother. And you are surprised you are having a bad time ?

You can go sit and figure out anatta...and what have you got ? Bupkis.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another matter.

With the first sip of tea, contentment. With the second sip of tea, peace. With the third sip of tea..a Danish.

You breath in...you breath out..you breath in..
Forget that and Enlightenment is the least of your problems.

[cooran]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology - a bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie. (BBQ)
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[Kim O'Hara]

One tiny improvement:
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the chook pellets in the shed.
One small grumble:
Why pick on Townsville? The further North you go, the bigger the mozzies get. Cairns is worse, Mossman worse still, and I don't think I *ever* want to go to Weipa

Kim

[cooran]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

=========================================================================================================
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.

The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.

She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.

"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.

The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.

She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

(My apologies to all my beautiful Blonde friends)
==================================================

[cooran]

For those who didn't do so well in their Melbourne Cup Sweep in Oz:

A horse was looking over the fence at some blokes playing a Cricket match..

"Any chance of a game?" he yells out to the captain of the team...

At first the captain thought he was hearing things, but the horse insisted and said that it was keen to play...The captain laughed to himself and decided to let the horse play..Just for the surprise on the other fellas faces...

The horse goes into bat...A big six over the fence...Second Ball...Six...Third ball..Six and this went on for the whole over..Then the over went to the opposite end...

The Captain hit the ball for a run...BUT the Horse just stood there...The captain yelled out to the horse..."RUN...RUN.." but the horse just stood there...AND the Captain was RUN OUT...

"Why didn't you run?" said the captain angrily..

"Listen mate," said the horse.."If I could run, I would be at the Racetrack today and not messing around playing Cricket!"

[cooran]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller, Jesus.'

[Fede]

Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs, jawing and passin' the time of day.
One turns to the other, and says, "Y'know Betty, y're gonna think me a foolish ol' gal, but I decided to have me some bit of cosmetic surgery done...I'm gonna have a boob job, cuz I'm tired of 'em banging 'gainst mah waist all the time...."

Betty replies,
"Durn it Ethel, I ain't payin' no mind to yer. Matter of fact, I'm thinkin' of doing something radical mah-self. I read about it in one of them noo fancy beewty magazines. I'm gonna have my azzole bleached!"

After a moment's silence, Ethel replies,
"'S Funny Betty, but I don't see your husband as a blond".....


~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~*


The annual Taxman's visit to the local Synagogue comes round again.
This poor guy is so frustrated.
Mindful of how careful, wise and calculating Jewish people are reputed to be, when it comes to money, he is naturally more eager than most, to find a flaw in their book-keeping. Anything in fact, which would mean a great big tax penalty...
So, he peruses and scrutinises every single page, every single entry, for anything - anything - that might prove them wrong, and net him a few dollars for the IRS.

He carefully runs his finger along every line, until -
"Aha! Look here! Your candles! why the free box of candles? Huh? HUH??"

"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of dripped wax, every bit that goes onto the cloth, the candlesticks, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the candle supplier. It's all right there. All this spent wax is sufficient to create a whole box of new candles,and every year, they send us a new one".
*damn!* thinks the Inspector, but says nothing.

he carries on checking.
"Aha! Look here! Your Challah bread! Why the free box of bread? Huh? HUH??"
"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of crumb, every bit that goes onto the cloth, dishes, the seats, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the Challah supplier. It's all right there. All these breadcrumbs are sufficient to create a whole box of new Challah dumplings, and every year, they send us a new one".
*damn!* thinks the Inspector, but says nothing.

Then, he hits upon an ingenious plan.

"Aha! Look here! Your circumcisions! What do you do with all those little bits of spare skin, Huh? HUH?? Tell me that!" he sits back triumphantly.

"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of skin, every bit that goes onto the cloth, the swab, the table, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the IRS office. It's all right there. All these skins are sufficient to create a real dickhead, and every year, they send us a new one".

[cooran]

Not really jokes, but a small collection of short essays from little kids in London - posted elsewhere.......................

1.HELICOPTERS. Helicopters are smarterer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover.

2.RELIGION. I asked Mum why they say old men at the end of prayers at skool. I don't know any old men apart from my grandpa.

3.NATURE. Crabs and similar creatures belong to a family of crushed asians.

4.HISTORY. Sir Walter Raleigh cercumcised the world with a big clipper.

Joan of Ark was burnt as a steak.

5.FAMILY. If you marry two people you are a pigamist. But morons are allowed to do this.

6.WAR. Sometimes in war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriges until war is over. But some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.

In wartime children had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.
============================================================
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
============================================================

[Laurens]

Did you hear that Jonathan Ross got caught stealing kitchen utensils?

When asked why he did it, in a recent interview he replied: "I just like taking whisks".

[this will fail if you don't know who Jonathan Ross is]

[cooran]

Most of the World economies bar Australia, Germany, China, South Korea and Japan have crashed in recent times, however in the last forty eight hours uncertainty has now hit Japan......................

In the last 6 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of it's branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore 2500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.

[tiltbillings]

.

[cooran]

Three men were out on a hiking weekend when they came across a large violent raging river that they had to cross, but had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed to God and asked for strength and stuff to cross the river and ' ** poof ** ' God gave him monster arms and legs and in two hours after almost drowning a few times he made it to the other side.

Tha second man also prayed and "** poof ** " God gave him a boat and in about 90 minutes after capsizing a few times he made it.

The third man prayed even harder and God went " ** poof ** " and turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked upstream 200 metres and walked across the bridge

[Kim O'Hara]

Three men were out on a hiking weekend when they came across a large violent raging river that they had to cross, but had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed to God and asked for strength and stuff to cross the river and ' ** poof ** ' God gave him monster arms and legs and in two hours after almost drowning a few times he made it to the other side.

Tha second man also prayed and "** poof ** " God gave him a boat and in about 90 minutes after capsizing a few times he made it.

The third man prayed even harder and God went " ** poof ** " and turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked upstream 200 metres and walked across the bridge

She obviously wasn't blonde.

Kim

[cooran]

Its the start of the holiday season in a small town on the south coast of France , but its raining, so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the top floor.

The owner takes the 100 euro note in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.

The butcher takes the money to his wholesaler to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay for some pigs he bought a while ago.

The farmer happily gives the 100 euro note to the local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The pro goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients and lays the 100 euros on the counter.

At that moment the rich Russian returns from upstairs to reception and informs the owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory to his tastes and takes his 100 euros back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone was no longer in debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.