Hello Dhamma Friends
Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 12:59 am
After a long time as a 'Guest' lurker, I decided to register and join for some discussions and Dhamma-vicaya, and also seek advice as I am making preparations to go-forth from householder to homelessness soon.
A little backstory:
I am 31 years old. Born and raised in Southern BC and Northern Alberta, Canada, to parents who were very supportive of a philosophical and existential seeker from a young age, who always felt like an 'outsider' to the hedonist pursuits of my highschool friends. In highschool I learnt Taichi, Qigong, Daoist meditation and was first introduced to Eastern Philosophy from my Taichi teacher as he would read sections from the DaoDeJing after each class. After highschool I stumbled upon a 6 month Samatha meditation course offered by the Willpower Institute and Thai monk Luangpor Viriyang Sirintharo in Fort McMurray and completing that course we went to Northern Thailand for a retreat with a group of monks and lay people in Doi Inthanon forest park. Upon returning to Canada I did two long personal retreats at Birken Forest Monastery (Sitavana) and was very inspired to become a monk there and then, however, my best friend was in a serious car accident and became a paraplegic, I wanted to give him my support. Also being a virgin, some societal influences lead me to pursue worldly life again. I decided to search for a way to help my injured best friend and decided to go to China to study Chinese medicine with the aspirations that I could find a way to heal his spine.
Being 19 at the time, hormones were overwhelming when in China. I did end up studying TCM from the monks and living at the monastery on Emei Mountain in Sichuan province. Taking the Buddhist Refuges and also studying Chan Mahayana from quite a few amazing masters. Needless to say that my young male hormones got the better of me and I got tangled up in a relationship with a Chinese girl who plucked my heart strings enough to lead me away again from ordaining there and I moved into a big city in China to teach English and be with this girl. I came back to Canada a few times for short visits and to share my new found knowledge of TCM and meditation with my friend. Perhaps it helped a little, but he seemed to be on his own path to recovery by then.
The years passed while living in Mainland China and I grew discontent with the futility of worldly pursuits and bitter-sweet agony of romantic relationships. I discerned myself the discrepancies of Mahayana Vinaya in contrast to the Theravada. I naturally felt a skeptical of Pure-Land practice which is ubiquitous in China. I felt strongly drawn to align myself with the core teachings of the Buddha so I contacted the Mahasi Sasana Yeiktha in Yangon (which was about an hour's flight from where I was living) and requested a sponsorship letter, which I received. I intended to sever all ties to romance and pursue the meditative life. On the fateful day of my departure I made a phone call to my ex-girlfriend to wish her goodbye. She begged and pleaded that I not go and came up with some good sounding reasons for us to stay together. At 21 years old, maybe I hadnt experienced my fill of Dukkha. I cancelled the flight and stayed in China.
Again the years passed living in Mainland China. Struggling with moments of happiness and pain. Grief at loss, and pleasure with gain. Basically drinking in Samsara. At times I would feel regret for not going to Burma, but trying to make the best of my situation as a lay Buddhist practitioner. In 2005, I felt I had enough and needed to be inspired to drag myself out of foolishness. I had read of the four places of Buddhist pilgrimage and that the Buddha said "And whoever, Ananda, should die on such a pilgrimage with his heart established in faith, at the breaking up of the body, after death, will be reborn in a realm of heavenly happiness." I truly felt drained of the will to live as a Puthujjana and decided to go on this pilgrimage with no plans for an afterwards. I bought a one-way ticket to Kathmandu, Nepal and didnt tell my girlfriend. I thought I could just disappear.
Having seemingly successfully 'disappeared' I roamed around the four Holy Places of Nepal and Northern India. Varanasi was my home-base. I lived in an ashram on a Ghat of the Ganges and when I wasnt at Bodh Gaya or Sarnath I spent time learning Kundalini with the owner of the ashram. Varanasi is an awe-inspiring, hair-raising place. The stench of death is everywhere. From the smoke of the 24/7 cremations to the dying cattle and stray animals in the gutters. Stepping over diseased and dying people lying in the streets, part of me was always weeping for their pain and part of me wanted to get the hell out of there. The Holy-places did instill great motivation to carry-on and "Strive with heedfulness". But being penny-less and with malaria I had to rely on the concern and compassion of my mother to fly me home.
Not suprisingly, I felt regret for just disappearing on my girlfriend. For some reason, I got the idea that I 'owed' her something. So, foolishly, broke and at the vexation of my mother I yet again returned to China. This time to get married. Life was a lot like ground-hog day, wishing different results with the same actions. This episode in the 'China years' lasted until 2010. Then, being now divorced, deeply in credit card debt, depressed and desperate for a life-change I made the final trip back to Canada. And since then, more or less, I have been working to repay the debt, re-igniting my desire for liberation from Samsara, following the training of the precepts, and earnestly studying all aspects of the Dhamma.
At this point we come to the present day. Debt free. I now own a large house. Have a high paying job. Stayed single! Observe Uposatha days. Regularly attend local Sangha group meetings and put meditation and Dhamma study at the forefront of my life. I am so grateful for everything that has happened to me thus far, as I have seen exactly what True Happiness IS NOT. So, I have now made preparations to quit my job, sell my house and give away all my possessions and finances with the wholehearted aspiration of entering the monkhood for life. My next step will be on April 1st when I will begin my journey to visit Theravada monasteries in Canada and in the US, perhaps even in Burma or Thailand with the intention of finding a suitable place for me.
I am grateful to members Bhikkhu Pesala, Gavesako, Dhammanando, appicchato and Phra Chuntawongso for their wisdom and patient advice I have read in their posts.
I am inspired by the experiences of members Jayantha-NJ, Blackbird, reflection, James the Giant
And to the considerate posts of Ben, Retrofuturist, Ytrog, SarathW, Lonesomeyoghurt, Modus.Ponens, 5khandas, cooran, cittasanto, manas, pilgrim, mkoll, sekha, mikenz66, kusala, David N. Snyder, Tiltbillings and others I forgot to mention
I look forward to deepening the practice and understanding with you all.
With Metta,
Thomas
A little backstory:
I am 31 years old. Born and raised in Southern BC and Northern Alberta, Canada, to parents who were very supportive of a philosophical and existential seeker from a young age, who always felt like an 'outsider' to the hedonist pursuits of my highschool friends. In highschool I learnt Taichi, Qigong, Daoist meditation and was first introduced to Eastern Philosophy from my Taichi teacher as he would read sections from the DaoDeJing after each class. After highschool I stumbled upon a 6 month Samatha meditation course offered by the Willpower Institute and Thai monk Luangpor Viriyang Sirintharo in Fort McMurray and completing that course we went to Northern Thailand for a retreat with a group of monks and lay people in Doi Inthanon forest park. Upon returning to Canada I did two long personal retreats at Birken Forest Monastery (Sitavana) and was very inspired to become a monk there and then, however, my best friend was in a serious car accident and became a paraplegic, I wanted to give him my support. Also being a virgin, some societal influences lead me to pursue worldly life again. I decided to search for a way to help my injured best friend and decided to go to China to study Chinese medicine with the aspirations that I could find a way to heal his spine.
Being 19 at the time, hormones were overwhelming when in China. I did end up studying TCM from the monks and living at the monastery on Emei Mountain in Sichuan province. Taking the Buddhist Refuges and also studying Chan Mahayana from quite a few amazing masters. Needless to say that my young male hormones got the better of me and I got tangled up in a relationship with a Chinese girl who plucked my heart strings enough to lead me away again from ordaining there and I moved into a big city in China to teach English and be with this girl. I came back to Canada a few times for short visits and to share my new found knowledge of TCM and meditation with my friend. Perhaps it helped a little, but he seemed to be on his own path to recovery by then.
The years passed while living in Mainland China and I grew discontent with the futility of worldly pursuits and bitter-sweet agony of romantic relationships. I discerned myself the discrepancies of Mahayana Vinaya in contrast to the Theravada. I naturally felt a skeptical of Pure-Land practice which is ubiquitous in China. I felt strongly drawn to align myself with the core teachings of the Buddha so I contacted the Mahasi Sasana Yeiktha in Yangon (which was about an hour's flight from where I was living) and requested a sponsorship letter, which I received. I intended to sever all ties to romance and pursue the meditative life. On the fateful day of my departure I made a phone call to my ex-girlfriend to wish her goodbye. She begged and pleaded that I not go and came up with some good sounding reasons for us to stay together. At 21 years old, maybe I hadnt experienced my fill of Dukkha. I cancelled the flight and stayed in China.
Again the years passed living in Mainland China. Struggling with moments of happiness and pain. Grief at loss, and pleasure with gain. Basically drinking in Samsara. At times I would feel regret for not going to Burma, but trying to make the best of my situation as a lay Buddhist practitioner. In 2005, I felt I had enough and needed to be inspired to drag myself out of foolishness. I had read of the four places of Buddhist pilgrimage and that the Buddha said "And whoever, Ananda, should die on such a pilgrimage with his heart established in faith, at the breaking up of the body, after death, will be reborn in a realm of heavenly happiness." I truly felt drained of the will to live as a Puthujjana and decided to go on this pilgrimage with no plans for an afterwards. I bought a one-way ticket to Kathmandu, Nepal and didnt tell my girlfriend. I thought I could just disappear.
Having seemingly successfully 'disappeared' I roamed around the four Holy Places of Nepal and Northern India. Varanasi was my home-base. I lived in an ashram on a Ghat of the Ganges and when I wasnt at Bodh Gaya or Sarnath I spent time learning Kundalini with the owner of the ashram. Varanasi is an awe-inspiring, hair-raising place. The stench of death is everywhere. From the smoke of the 24/7 cremations to the dying cattle and stray animals in the gutters. Stepping over diseased and dying people lying in the streets, part of me was always weeping for their pain and part of me wanted to get the hell out of there. The Holy-places did instill great motivation to carry-on and "Strive with heedfulness". But being penny-less and with malaria I had to rely on the concern and compassion of my mother to fly me home.
Not suprisingly, I felt regret for just disappearing on my girlfriend. For some reason, I got the idea that I 'owed' her something. So, foolishly, broke and at the vexation of my mother I yet again returned to China. This time to get married. Life was a lot like ground-hog day, wishing different results with the same actions. This episode in the 'China years' lasted until 2010. Then, being now divorced, deeply in credit card debt, depressed and desperate for a life-change I made the final trip back to Canada. And since then, more or less, I have been working to repay the debt, re-igniting my desire for liberation from Samsara, following the training of the precepts, and earnestly studying all aspects of the Dhamma.
At this point we come to the present day. Debt free. I now own a large house. Have a high paying job. Stayed single! Observe Uposatha days. Regularly attend local Sangha group meetings and put meditation and Dhamma study at the forefront of my life. I am so grateful for everything that has happened to me thus far, as I have seen exactly what True Happiness IS NOT. So, I have now made preparations to quit my job, sell my house and give away all my possessions and finances with the wholehearted aspiration of entering the monkhood for life. My next step will be on April 1st when I will begin my journey to visit Theravada monasteries in Canada and in the US, perhaps even in Burma or Thailand with the intention of finding a suitable place for me.
I am grateful to members Bhikkhu Pesala, Gavesako, Dhammanando, appicchato and Phra Chuntawongso for their wisdom and patient advice I have read in their posts.
I am inspired by the experiences of members Jayantha-NJ, Blackbird, reflection, James the Giant
And to the considerate posts of Ben, Retrofuturist, Ytrog, SarathW, Lonesomeyoghurt, Modus.Ponens, 5khandas, cooran, cittasanto, manas, pilgrim, mkoll, sekha, mikenz66, kusala, David N. Snyder, Tiltbillings and others I forgot to mention
I look forward to deepening the practice and understanding with you all.
With Metta,
Thomas