Joke!!!

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Hello all,

For your delectation.

20 intelligent jokes most people won't get straight away
http://m.tickld.com/x/20-intelligent-jo ... 16-is-gold

With metta,
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

Continuing on the theme above, one of my favorites from my time in academia:

The dean calls in the chairs of various departments to conserve more funds and stop spending so much money. The chair of the physics department states that they will do less expensive lab work. The math department states that they don't need to do any lab work, all they need are pencils and trash cans. The philosophy department chimes in that they will be the thriftiest of them all; that they don't even need trash cans!
randall
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by randall »

Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Xmas?



....



A: He can feel his presence!


:jedi:
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

Laws Of Nature

Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Law of Public Speaking -- REMEMBER: A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop
selling it!
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But, don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

:rofl:
Mettāya,
Kåre
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

How Did You Die in Your Past Life?
http://www.playbuzz.com/gregs/how-did-y ... -past-life
from Facebook, which tells you all you really need to know ... :thinking:
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Pondera
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Pondera »

Upon rising from meditation for over 40 minutes, I brought my right leg out of a half lotus posture only to find that it had attained the total cessation of perception and feeling.

Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
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Mkoll
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Mkoll »

Pondera wrote:Upon rising from meditation for over 40 minutes, I brought my right leg out of a half lotus posture only to find that it had attained the total cessation of perception and feeling.

Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
Then doesn't it feel all prickly and hot as the blood rushes back in? That's how it is for me - quite uncomfortable.

~~~
robertk wrote:
Excellent! I'll have to share that. :lol:

~~~

Gotta add some gamer jokes!


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Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
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Pondera
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Pondera »

Mkoll wrote:
Pondéra wrote: Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
Then doesn't it feel all prickly and hot as the blood rushes back in? That's how it is for me - quite uncomfortable.
Oh, yes. For me as well. Slightly disturbing and uncomfortable.
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

Ron was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
He was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse & the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking & staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

Why did God make mothers?
These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspe ction. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home a nd dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
at's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time,
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bill s all day

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
Plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk »

The Praying Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

"What do they say?' the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?''

"That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.'

"Thank you!' the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say 'Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Well, finally... our prayers have been answered!"
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

Some fun facts

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number 3.
6. When you did number 3 you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog.
7. You're smiling right now, because you were fooled.
8. You skipped number 5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a number 5.
SarathW
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by SarathW »

Congratulations!
You got all the supernormal powers.
You just read my mind.
:twothumbsup:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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Mkoll
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Mkoll »

:rofl:

Good one David!
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
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