How to forgive people when you are correct?

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MrLearner
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How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by MrLearner »

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone is safe in this tough time. I have a question about forgiveness, no big issues in my life but just asking to improve my day to day life.

1. I sometimes find it difficult to forgive people when we come to some conflict like verbal arguement and i'm correct. I have no problems when i'm wrong then i accept it, but i don't like to forgive quickly and become friends again when i'm correct because then the other person thinks that me becoming friends again mean he has won and i have accepted i was wrong. This really bugs me because i feel if i forgive this person will never understand he was wrong? So basically my question is how to forgive people and be friends with them again knowing very well that doing so makes them feel victorious without them ever realising what they did was wrong. So really how to forgive unconditionally? Thanks
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by SteRo »

The conceit 'I am' causes many problems and to deal with it might be labourious.
Exhaling अ and inhaling धीः amounts to བྷྲཱུཾ་བི་ཤྭ་བི་ཤུད་དྷེ It's definitely not science but science may provide guidelines nevertheless.
befriend
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by befriend »

I have two friends like this. I told one do you want to win arguments or do you want to win friends?
Take care of mindfulness and mindfulness will take care of you.
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rhinoceroshorn
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by rhinoceroshorn »

Eyes downcast, not footloose,
senses guarded, with protected mind,
not oozing — not burning — with lust,
wander alone
like a rhinoceros.
Sutta Nipāta 1.3 - Khaggavisana Sutta
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See, Ānanda! All those conditioned phenomena have passed, ceased, and perished. So impermanent are conditions, so unstable are conditions, so unreliable are conditions. This is quite enough for you to become disillusioned, dispassionate, and freed regarding all conditions.
Dīgha Nikāya 17
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Ceisiwr
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by Ceisiwr »

Hello MrLearner
Hello everyone,

Hope everyone is safe in this tough time. I have a question about forgiveness, no big issues in my life but just asking to improve my day to day life.

1. I sometimes find it difficult to forgive people when we come to some conflict like verbal arguement and i'm correct. I have no problems when i'm wrong then i accept it, but i don't like to forgive quickly and become friends again when i'm correct because then the other person thinks that me becoming friends again mean he has won and i have accepted i was wrong. This really bugs me because i feel if i forgive this person will never understand he was wrong? So basically my question is how to forgive people and be friends with them again knowing very well that doing so makes them feel victorious without them ever realising what they did was wrong. So really how to forgive unconditionally? Thanks
I would say that first and foremost you must look after your sila and mind. Focus less on how the other person might perceive it. Forgiveness is to cease negative thoughts towards said person, whilst still acknowledging that they behaved inappropriately. If it still bugs you you could try “I still think you are wrong but let’s move on”. Also, remember that argumentative conflicts arise from desire. People cling to certain points of view because of vedanā and sanna. How we feel and perceive a situation is dependently arisen. As such, for worldly folk, it’s usually subject to the taints and so views and opinions can vary. I’ve found keeping this in mind helps when it comes to conflict and when I really feel “I am right, they are wrong”.
Paññaṃ nappamajjeyya, saccamanurakkheyya, cāgamanubrūheyya, santimeva so sikkheyyā’ti

“One should not neglect wisdom, should preserve truth, cultivate relinquishment and train for peace.”

Dhātuvibhaṅga Sutta
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confusedlayman
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by confusedlayman »

MrLearner wrote: Wed May 27, 2020 2:26 pm Hello everyone,

Hope everyone is safe in this tough time. I have a question about forgiveness, no big issues in my life but just asking to improve my day to day life.

1. I sometimes find it difficult to forgive people when we come to some conflict like verbal arguement and i'm correct. I have no problems when i'm wrong then i accept it, but i don't like to forgive quickly and become friends again when i'm correct because then the other person thinks that me becoming friends again mean he has won and i have accepted i was wrong. This really bugs me because i feel if i forgive this person will never understand he was wrong? So basically my question is how to forgive people and be friends with them again knowing very well that doing so makes them feel victorious without them ever realising what they did was wrong. So really how to forgive unconditionally? Thanks
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pegembara
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by pegembara »

If you don't get into a verbal argument in the first place, there is no need for forgiveness.
When you argue, you are basically trying to win the argument assuming you are right, and he is wrong.
In such situations, there will only be winners and losers.
Don't try too hard to win him/her over.
And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, & from idle chatter: This is called right speech.
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cappuccino
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by cappuccino »

MrLearner wrote: without them ever realizing what they did was wrong. So really how to forgive unconditionally? Thanks
everyone who isn't awake is wrong


wrong is relative…


however, this may clarify
Last edited by cappuccino on Wed May 27, 2020 5:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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SDC
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by SDC »

Maybe don't worry so much about being right and you won't have anything to forgive. 8-)
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dharmacorps
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by dharmacorps »

I have had problems with this too. Things that help me: Most of the time, nobody is 100 percent right or wrong though. You can also be right in material facts, but wrong in approach and handling of the matter. As the forest ajahns are famous for saying, even if you have the right beliefs, you are wrong if you cling to them. Metta/good will is not about who is right. Being "right" is a conceited state so "you" don't always know that you are right. You can also be completely right about something and not like the results you get from it. The idea is to do what is right and skillful, and let go of expecting things to go your way.
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by binocular »

MrLearner wrote: Wed May 27, 2020 2:26 pmHope everyone is safe in this tough time. I have a question about forgiveness, no big issues in my life but just asking to improve my day to day life.

1. I sometimes find it difficult to forgive people when we come to some conflict like verbal arguement and i'm correct. I have no problems when i'm wrong then i accept it, but i don't like to forgive quickly and become friends again when i'm correct because then the other person thinks that me becoming friends again mean he has won and i have accepted i was wrong. This really bugs me because i feel if i forgive this person will never understand he was wrong? So basically my question is how to forgive people and be friends with them again knowing very well that doing so makes them feel victorious without them ever realising what they did was wrong. So really how to forgive unconditionally? Thanks
Why would you have to forgive them?

If they're not interested in talking about the conflict between the two of you, then they're not interested enough in being friends with you to begin with.

The question is whether you can be polite toward them without you feeling defeated. Polite, not friends.
Hic Rhodus, hic salta!
JohnK
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by JohnK »

MrLearner wrote: Wed May 27, 2020 2:26 pm ...This really bugs me because i feel if i forgive this person will never understand he was wrong?
Consider why this matters to you. For example, it sounds like you are presuming to be their teacher -- maybe something to let go of.
So really how to forgive unconditionally?
Probably gradually by following the eightfold path. ;)
Some possibilities: Practice metta (universal goodwill); practice seeing the arising and passing of your thoughts and moods -- this should help you to more easily let go of taking these so seriously in the moments when you are plagued by your "correct" non-forgiveness; noticing what your non-forgivenss feels like -- agitation -- dukkha -- consider what clinging may be behind it.
:anjali:
Those who grasp at perceptions & views wander the internet creating friction. [based on Sn4:9,v.847]
2600htz
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by 2600htz »

Hi:

Just tell them you still think they did the wrong thing and you are correct, but you are willing to move on.

Regards.
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Dhamma Chameleon
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by Dhamma Chameleon »

I see forgiveness as something someone asks for. If they ask for it, the Buddha said you give it. If they do not see that they did anything wrong, then it's not forgiveness that's in order. Instead you can practice wisdom and discernment (avoiding conflict with this person, not disclosing your deep held beliefs knowing that no good will come of it). And compassion, like others have talked about. You can consider, 'just like me, they cling to their views. They seem unable to let go of a view when presented with new information, or even for the sake of a friendship. It probably causes them a lot of suffering.'

This attitude leads to problematic relationships for people. You can actually help them by avoiding such problems in your relationship. Do your bit to make it more harmonious, it will make you suffer less too, you may even enjoy finding skillful means of dealing with such people. It's a useful skill.
binocular
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Re: How to forgive people when you are correct?

Post by binocular »

MrLearner wrote: Wed May 27, 2020 2:26 pm1. I sometimes find it difficult to forgive people when we come to some conflict like verbal arguement and i'm correct.
It also depends on what the issue at hand was.

Not everything can or should be dismissed as merely "idle clinging to views".

For example, take a situation where the other person took your car without asking you for it first, and then they insisted that they were justified to so because the two of you are friends, while you think that what they did was wrong.

Technically, both of you indeed have views in this case, and are clinging to them. But to dismiss such conflicts on the grounds of "oh, it's just idle clinging to views" would be immoral.
Hic Rhodus, hic salta!
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