A question I've been pondering for some time is why many more practitioners of the dhamma do not dedicate themselves wholly to the spiritual path rather than maintaining complicated householders' lives. Nearly every day I question whether to engage in some additional worldly project or to devote more time to the dhamma, which has so far been the only reliable thing that has brought some unshakable satisfaction and peace in my life. I'm trying to understand why worldly life has such a draw for me. I do have a very fortunate worldly position (work as a model, attended a prestigious university, financially secure, in my late 20s), though I have also have had many very painful and traumatic life experiences, which may or may not have led me to spirituality and philosophy at a very young age - about eight years old. I know for sure, however, that the worldly life offers no real satisfaction, and I have a great longing to devote my life in its entirety to spiritual practice.
What might be holding me back? --lingering doubt that the spiritual path is the "correct" one to take, that perhaps it, too, is empty and that a better bet may be to dilly-dally in worldly pleasure, even as utterly meaningless, fleeting, and unreliable as it all is? --lack of an idea about what a "spiritual path" might look like for me? (i.e. ordaining, living a simple householder's life with most of time devoted to practice, etc.) --simple constant forgetting of the sublime pleasure of spiritual practice vs the gross pleasure of worldly life unless constantly "feeding" the mind with dhamma, formal practice, etc rather than the junk food of worldly sense contacts, ideas, fantasies, etc? If it is so crystal clear that pleasure that does not lead to satisfaction, and in fact only wastes time and perhaps conditions the mind to simply crave more pleasure, why do we continue to seek it out? * I don't believe in reincarnation at this point, so I feel it's of utmost importance to use this life as skillfully as possible. Do others perhaps not feel this urgency because they feel they have additional lifetimes, so it's okay if they get distracted for a years or eons?
I'd be interested to hear others' personal experiences.. if you consider yourself a devoted practitioner but still maintain a householder's life that takes up most of your time and energy, why do you do so?
Did the Buddha ever outline the reasons why one might not engage wholly in the practice? Reading what I wrote above it seems that doubt is the main underlying reason, but I do not understand why it still lingers for me personally. Does lingering doubt remain until one has experienced the jhanas?
It seems to me that having a householder's life is a major hindrance on the path because the foundation of worldly success is creating and promoting some kind of persona. All the householder's activities that a renunciate would not engage in reinforce an idea of a self, an identity, which is, in my understanding, the core of suffering.
I apologize for the disorganized post but simply writing it has helped a bit. Thanks for listening.
*I am not referring to mere sensual pleasure but all worldly pleasure, even the more subtle pleasures such as social acceptance, relationships with partners and children, etc.
