What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

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Cibi
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What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Cibi »

I'd like to read some funny stories, like the one where a monk ask Brahma something and he keeps answering by saying "I am the great Brahma, creator of this world etc" (don't remember the Sutta's name). It doesn't matter if one has to already be aware of a certain context in order to get a joke, I'll understand it, probably.
SarathW
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by SarathW »

Worthless man, haven’t I taught the Dhamma in many ways for the
fading of passion, the sobering of intoxication, the subduing of thirst, the
destruction of attachment, the severing of the round, the ending of
craving, dispassion, cessation, unbinding? Haven’t I in many ways
advocated abandoning sensual pleasures, comprehending sensual
perceptions, subduing sensual thirst, destroying sensual thoughts, calming
sensual fevers? Worthless man, it would be better that your penis be stuck
into the mouth of a poisonous snake than into a woman’s vagina. It
would be better that your penis be stuck into the mouth of a black viper
than into a woman’s vagina. It would be better that your penis be stuck
into a pit of burning embers, blazing and glowing, than into a woman’s
vagina. Why is that? For that reason you would undergo death or deathlike suffering, but you would not on that account, at the break-up of the
body, after death, fall into a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a
lower realm, hell. But for this reason you would, at the break-up of the
body, after death, fall into a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a
lower realm, hell
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/aut ... o/bmc1.pdf
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
Cibi
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Cibi »

Don't know, didn't find this very funny. Probably because I'm male, and that I don't want my penis to get bitten by a snake (I love snakes though, they're so cute !).
Cibi
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Cibi »

Did I just read a sutta where the Buddha tells a story of an acrobat getting friendzoned ? :rofl:
dharmacorps
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by dharmacorps »

Thanissaro Bhikkhu collected a book of humorous selections from the Canon. It is called the Buddha Smiles.
JohnK
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by JohnK »

dharmacorps wrote: Fri Dec 20, 2019 12:33 am Thanissaro Bhikkhu collected a book of humorous selections from the Canon. It is called the Buddha Smiles.
From his Introduction:
"One of the reasons why the Canon's humor goes unrecognized relates to its style, which is often subtle, deadpan, and dry. This style of humor can go right past readers in modern cultures...[even] translators often miss the fact that a passage is meant to be humorous, and so render it in a flat, pedantic way."
Those who grasp at perceptions & views wander the internet creating friction. [based on Sn4:9,v.847]
JohnK
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by JohnK »

One may or may not find this humorous (excerpts from "Subha and the Libertine," Therigatha 14):
As Subhā the nun was going through Jīvaka’s delightful mango grove, a libertine (a goldsmith’s son) blocked her path, so she said to him:
...It’s not proper, my friend,
that a man should touch
a woman gone forth...
You—your mind agitated, impassioned;
I—unagitated, unimpassioned,
with a mind entirely freed...

‘You are young & not bad-looking,
what need do you have for going forth?
Throw off your ochre robe—
Come, let’s delight in the flowering grove...

What do you see when you look at me,
you who are out of your mind?’


‘Your eyes are like those of a fawn,
like those of a sprite in the mountains.
Seeing your eyes, my sensual delight
grows all the more...

‘Here, take this eye. It’s yours.’
Straightaway she gave it to him.

Straightaway his passion faded right there,
and he begged her forgiveness:
‘Be well, follower of the holy life.
This sort of thing
won’t happen again.
Harming a person like you
is like embracing a blazing fire.
It’s as if I have seized a poisonous snake.
So may you be well. Forgive me.’

And released from there, the nun
went to the excellent Buddha’s presence.
When she saw the mark of his excellent merit,
her eye became
as it was before.
https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/KN/Thig/thig14.html
Those who grasp at perceptions & views wander the internet creating friction. [based on Sn4:9,v.847]
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Wizard in the Forest
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Wizard in the Forest »

[ the Alavaka Sutta]
Get out ascetic!

The Kevatta Sutta
I am BRAHMA

To Kesi
They are dead to me!
"One is not born a woman, but becomes one."- Simone de Beauvoir
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Sabbe_Dhamma_Anatta
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Sabbe_Dhamma_Anatta »

With Ānanda
Ānanda Sutta SN 44.10

“When Vacchagotta asked me whether the self does not exist absolutely, if I had answered that ‘the self does not exist absolutely’, Vacchagotta—who is already confused—would have got even more confused, thinking: ‘It seems that the self that I once had no longer exists.’”
Funny Vacchagotta :lol:
.


🅢🅐🅑🅑🅔 🅓🅗🅐🅜🅜🅐 🅐🅝🅐🅣🅣🅐

Self ...
  • "an entirely and perfectly foolish idea" :D ~ MN22
Pulsar
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Pulsar »

Dear Wizard in the Forest thanks for this funny story of Kesi...
I think it is a bit too funny to be funny, it almost hurts, these murders.
Short excerpts
If a tamable horse doesn’t submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild and harsh training, lord, then I kill it. Why is that? [I think:] ‘Don’t let this be a disgrace to my lineage of teachers.
But the Blessed One, lord, is the unexcelled trainer of tamable people. How do you train a tamable person?”

To make the story short, Buddha admits to killing, just like the horse trainer, has to kill the useless
no good horse.
“And if a tamable person doesn’t submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild & harsh training, what do you do?”
“If a tamable person doesn’t submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild & harsh training, then I kill him, Kesi.”
“But it’s not proper for our Blessed One to take life! And yet the Blessed One just said, ‘I kill him, Kesi.’”

“It is true, Kesi, that it’s not proper for a Tathagata to take life. But if a tamable person doesn’t submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild & harsh training, then the Tathagata doesn’t regard him as being worth speaking to or admonishing.
His knowledgeable fellows in the holy life don’t regard him as being worth speaking to or admonishing. This is what it means to be totally destroyed in the Doctrine & Discipline, when the Tathagata doesn’t regard one as being worth speaking to or admonishing, and one’s knowledgeable fellows in the holy life don’t regard one as being worth speaking to or admonishing.”

What a nice fun story to think of
in the dawn of a New Year...but in a way it helps reinforce one's own training. So thank you for the
non-funny part.
I can think of another sutta, but later...
With love
Pulsar
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by Pulsar »

a sutta with several jokes...MN 35 Cula Saccaka sutta.
Once upon a time, there lived a brash young fella called Saccaka.
People thought he was a saint. He had fine credentials, his Mom and Dad were philosophers,
a great orator he was, folks were attracted to him perhaps like to Martin Luther king "I had a dream" or
whatever.
This fella would go around town and brag how Buddha was no match for him,
small excerpts 
So Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son went to those Licchavis and, on arrival, said to them, "Come out, good Licchavis! Come out, good Licchavis!
Today will be my discussion with Gotama the contemplative! If he takes the position with me that was taken with me by his famous disciples, the monk named Assaji,
then just as a strong man, seizing a long-haired ram by the hair,
would drag him to and fro, and drag him all around,
in the same way I, statement by statement,
will drag Gotama the contemplative to and fro, and drag him all around, more jokes deleted for sake of brevity... ends with ..will shake Gotama the contemplative down and shake him out and thump him. Just as a sixty-year old elephant, plunging into a deep pond,
would amuse itself playing the game of hemp-washing, in the same way I will amuse myself playing the game of hemp-washing Gotama the contemplative, as it were
Come on out, good Licchavis! Come on out, good Licchavis! Today will be my discussion with Gotama the contemplative!"
Braggadocio and the Licchavis find the Buddha. Saccaka is cocksure he will win, amuses himself.
Debate begins...Buddha claims
"Form is not self etc"
Saccaka refutes... 
Buddha proves how form is not self, by saying something like a dictator or King pasenadi, can order the decapitation of his subjects.
Saccaka loses when he realizes that the form is not stable.
Saccaka is crestfallen, Buddha persists that he should admit his defeat...
Saccaka falls silent, not wanting to admit loss.
A second time, the Blessed One said to Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son:
"What do you think? When you say, 'Form is my self,' do you wield power over that form: 'May my form be thus, may my form not be thus'?
When this was said, Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son was silent a second time.
Then the Blessed One said to him,
"Answer now, This is not the time to be silent. When anyone doesn't answer when asked a legitimate question by the Tathāgata up to three times, his head splits into seven pieces right here."
 
joke or serious, depends on how one interprets.
Now on that occasion the spirit (yakkha) Vajirapāṇin [Thunderbolt-in-Hand], carrying an iron thunderbolt, was poised in the air above Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son, (thinking,) "If Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son doesn't answer when asked a legitimate question by the Blessed One up to three times, I will split his head into seven pieces right here
The Blessed One saw the spirit Vajirapāṇin, as did Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son. So Saccaka — afraid, terrified, his hair standing on end — seeking shelter in the Blessed One, .... — said to the Blessed One, "Let Master Gotama ask me. I will answer"
What do you think? When you say, 'Form is my self,' do you wield power over that form:
'May my form be thus, may my form not be thus?
"No, Master Gotama."...
The reality is the psychological trauma to Saccaka...canon uses a thunderbolt spirit, to illustrate this,
jokingly ...
Buddha continues...
when you are interrogated, rebuked, & pressed by me with regard to your own statement, you are empty, void, mistaken. But it was you who made this statement before the assembly in Vesālī: 'I see no contemplative or brahman, the head of an order, the head of a group, or even one who claims to be an arahant, rightly self-awakened, who — engaged in debate with me — would not shiver, quiver, shake, & break out in sweat under the armpits. Even if I were to engage a senseless stump in debate, it — engaged with me in debate — would shiver, quiver, & shake, to say nothing of a human being.' But now some drops of sweat coming out of your forehead, drenching your upper robe, are landing on the ground, whereas now I have no sweat on my body." And the Blessed One uncovered his golden-colored body to the assembly
 
Buddha half disrobing?? 
When this was said, Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son fell silent, abashed, sitting with his shoulders drooping, his head down, brooding, at a loss for words.
Then Dummukha [BadMouth] the Licchavi-son — sensing that Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son was silent, abashed, sitting with his shoulders drooping,
his head down,
brooding, at a loss for words — said to the Blessed One,
"Lord, a simile has occurred to me."
"Speak, Dummukha," the Blessed One said.
Suppose, lord, that not far from a village or town was a pond. There in it was a crab.
Then a number of boys & girls, leaving the village or town, would go to the pond and, on arrival, would go down to bathe in it.
Taking the crab out of the water, they would place it on the ground.
And whenever the crab extended a leg, the boys or girls would cut it off, break it, and smash it with sticks or stones right there, so that the crab — with all its legs cut off,
broken, & smashed — would be unable to get back in the water as before. 
In the same way, whatever Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son's writhings, capers, & contortions, the Blessed One has cut them off, broken them, and smashed them all, so that Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son is now unable to approach the Blessed One again for the purpose of debate
When this was said, Saccaka the Nigaṇṭha-son said to Dummukha the Licchavi-son,
Just you wait, Dummukha. You be damned Dummukha. You're a big-mouth, Dummukha. We're not taking counsel with you. We're here taking counsel with Master Gotama
Last joke appears to be the  best, when Mr Bad Mouth compares Saccaka to a crab who is dragged out of water by girls and boys, and gets his limbs cut off, each time he moves a limb to get back in the water. 

Saccaka just could not extricate himself from the jam he got into.
See what happened to the fella,  who claimed he could drag Buddha to and fro.
This sutta perhaps should be renamed "Sutta on the cruelest joke", or "Sutta on the funniest"
A warning to those who think they can one-up Buddha.
A Saturday morning short story, taking a few liberties with text.
With a great deal of love...not a joke.  :candle:
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salayatananirodha
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Re: What are some funny stories in the Canon ?

Post by salayatananirodha »

naked ascetic walks up to the buddha and they have 'courteous discussion'
yakkha tells the buddha to move out of the spot he's standing in so he can stand there, then does it again and again
16. 'In what has the world originated?' — so said the Yakkha Hemavata, — 'with what is the world intimate? by what is the world afflicted, after having grasped at what?' (167)

17. 'In six the world has originated, O Hemavata,' — so said Bhagavat, — 'with six it is intimate, by six the world is afflicted, after having grasped at six.' (168)

- Hemavatasutta


links:
https://www.ancient-buddhist-texts.net/index.htm
http://thaiforestwisdom.org/canonical-texts/
http://seeingthroughthenet.net/wp-conte ... _Heart.pdf
https://www.dhammatalks.org/index.html
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