Critique Poems I Translated to Pali

[namyoho]

I translated some of Robert Frost's poems to Pali, and would greatly appreciate all inputs/suggestions regarding grammar, vocabulary and flow.
Thank you.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

ekacce vadanti iti lokaṃ aggiyā anta
ekacce vadanti himaṃ
icchānaṃ anubhavehi
aham agginā sammannāmi
kiṃ tu yadiṃ mama dvikkhattuṃ marati
aham pahoṇaka upanandhatiṃ jānāmi
abhivadāmi nāsassa himaṃ
visālaṃ bhavati
api alaṃ

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

pakatiyā pathamaṃ saddalaṭṭhānaṃ suvaṇṇaṃ
yassā paramaṃ ekāhika/katipayadivasappavattaka raṅgaṃ
yassā ādimaṃ pattaṃ kusumaṃ
kiṃ tu kevalaṃ ekaṃ ghaṭikā hetu
tadā pattaṃ apakkamati pattaṃ
tathā nandanavanaṃ dukkhitaṃ bhavati
tathā aruṇaṃ divase parivatteti
suvaṇṇassa na kiñci punaṃ jīvati

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;
Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if it could bear no more.
The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.
And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song

patthiya aham iti pakkhīṃ dūraṃ virujjhati
mam gharassa samīpe na kūjati
aham dvaarassa samīpe patiṭṭhāmi tāḷeti pakkhiyā uttāsāmi ca
yāvaṃ pakkhiṃ adhikaṃ na sayha/sahati
vajjaṃ mama api atthi
pakkhiṃ gītāya na virajjhati
gitassa nissaddaṃ karoti/niruttarataṃ pāpeti - ima adhippāyo/abhikaṅkhana/अभिलासा /ākaṅkhana/ākaṅkhā
supākaṭaṃ ataccha/sadosa/ayathābhūta


Hannibal

Was there even a cause too lost,
Ever a cause that was lost too long,
Or that showed with the lapse of time to vain
For the generous tears of youth and song?

kadāpi ekaṃ paṭhamārambhaṃ atimattaṃ vissaranti
ati kaalena vissaranti
athavā yobbanassa cāgasīlīṃ assuyā
cirena so niratthaka bhav

I would like to thank Assaji for their invaluable advice.

[sphairos]

Hi, namyoho.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.

ekacce vadanti iti lokaṃ aggiyā anta -- as it is not metrical, why not anto, if it is a Nom. Sing.? Why loka is in Acc. Sing. ? What is the subject of the sentence? If it is anta, why loka is in Acc. Sing., wouldn't it be better if it was lokassa anto? Lokassa aggiyā anto?

This way you say that "the end of the world is in fire", but in the original we have "will end" where "end" is a verb, so wouldn't it be better to say antaṃ gacchati? Something like loko antaṃ gacchati aggiyā?

ekacce vadanti himaṃ -- hima in Indo-Aryan languages means "winter, cold, snow", but very rarely "ice". The words for "ice" in Sanskrit are avaśyāya, tuhina, tuṣāra etc.

[namyoho]

Hi, namyoho.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.

ekacce vadanti iti lokaṃ aggiyā anta -- as it is not metrical, why not anto, if it is a Nom. Sing.? Why loka is in Acc. Sing. ? What is the subject of the sentence? If it is anta, why loka is in Acc. Sing., wouldn't it be better if it was lokassa anto? Lokassa aggiyā anto?

This way you say that "the end of the world is in fire", but in the original we have "will end" where "end" is a verb, so wouldn't it be better to say antaṃ gacchati? Something like loko antaṃ gacchati aggiyā?

ekacce vadanti himaṃ -- hima in Indo-Aryan languages means "winter, cold, snow", but very rarely "ice". The words for "ice" in Sanskrit are avaśyāya, tuhina, tuṣāra etc.

Dear sphairos,

Thank you. I understand and have made the necessary changes.
I'd love to hear your inputs about the other poems as well

Thanks again.