Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
bhooooo
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:48 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by bhooooo »

Hi,
this thread has been nice to read. I start by quoting and then add my own thoughts...
Pondera wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 8:51 am
#1 piece of advice. STOP MASTURBATING TO INTERNET PORN.

Your testosterone levels are the number 1 determining factor that will decide if you get laid or not.
This is a must: internet porn sends your primal brain into overdrive and it takes years to recover from these addictions. I made the mistake to masturbate to cope with life, which has been a mistake that took a lot of time to recover from.
confusedlayman wrote: Fri Feb 26, 2021 2:57 pm at max u can masturbrate but u need to give it up if u want to progress higher stages...
what higher stages? I'm practicing semen retention, been reading the Brahmacharya and noticing first hand the power of the sexual energy. Please share other readings for this path, there's never enough resources to learn from!
coconut wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:35 am For example, sex is two people masturbating eachother with their bodies, but it's only a perception that calls this disgusting act, "love".

You can attain that same perception and "love" feeling without other people and without masturbation, or sensual contact. You can do it through brahma viharas. Perceptions can arise without a body, and are not dependent on bodies.
I agree and I add that it helps to have a clear distinction between lust, love and companionship. Contemplate the impermanence of physical beauty, understand how the sexual appetite is never going to be satisfied regardless of the amount of sex and at the same time cultivate inner love, towards yourself, others and the universe.

The grass is always greener on the other side also when it comes to relationship status: do not rely on external factors for being satisfied in your skin. There's plenty of cases where the bachelor seeks companionship only to miss his solitude and independence. Likewise, seek in a partner a compatible character when it comes to hobbies, lifestyle and vision about kids. Avoid at all costs red flags from your potential partner. Best of luck on your quest!

Personally, I trust the universe: recently had a lucid dream about a baby and eventually it's going to happen. After my last break-up, however, I am taking some time on my own.
Saaz
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2021 7:48 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Saaz »

Hi!

I think I can relate a lot to your situation. I sometimes feel lonely, but the curious thing is that I don't feel lonely when I'm alone, but when I'm among people; lately I'm coming to the conclusion that this loneliness appears when it becomes evident that I hold a different set of values from my colleagues, friends, family. I'm not interested in having a relationship or gather with people in the usual way (chit-chat, alcool, etc.). I have spent many years trying to be sure wasn't a problem of social anxiety or extremely shiness, but I'm keen to believe that the problem is the fact that I miss a Sangha and that instead I'm associated with non-Buddhist peers.

I think would be nice to chat privately and have a confrontation. Unfortunately, I'm new to the site and I cannot yet send private messages :)
Observing
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2021 9:56 am

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Observing »

Thinking that happiness will come from a person or situation is ignorance. Feelings, situations, and people are uncontrollable, unsatisfying, and impermanent. Seeking out a relationship in the hope it will bring you happiness is going to lead to suffering. If you do find a relationship, that's ok of course. But coming to view it as your source of happiness is not seeing reality.
anagaarika
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2021 1:38 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by anagaarika »

This might sound a bit heretic or harsh, but I´ll share my perspective anyway.

I don´t know your background so please don´t read this as any kind of judgement, but from what I have often seen the problem is inadequate romantization or idealisation of "love". Even in this thread you see people arguing for discrimination between some lofty ideal of "love" and "mere" sex. I personally see both as nothing but equally mistaken grasping for an object - be it imagined personality (in case of love) or body. A lot of people suffer from a kind of false piety regarding sexual activity - they say it´s something reserved only for the "right" person in the "right" situation etc. etc.... I see this as utterly delusional: sex is always just a mechanical process, just as the so called romantic "love" is. The one may be more sublimated than the other, but it´s still the same grasping. Different forms may be more or less damaging, for sure, but my point is that there is really nothing inherently uplifting in love. It´s nothing but your brain rewarding you for working on procreation, that´s it. If all those men (and there are plenty today) who cannot find a sexual partner actually could have sex for a few times at least, I´m sure many of them would see how unwise the idealisation thereof is. Being in love is uplifting in the same way as taking a MDMA pill is - basically your brain tripping.

As for the sex part, I still believe the easiest way of getting rid of the sexual drive is to see for yourself how unfulfilling and laborious it is (that is to actually try it - direct experience is the best cure against idealization). Just as someone wrote - the body is inherently disgusting and needs to be cleaned constantly to be seen as attractive. We wash it because it has a tendency to get dirty, we put on perfumes because it has a tendency to stink, we see doctors because it has a tendency to get sick, we beautify it because it has a tendency to get ugly, we have to shave it, cut nails, take care of hair etc. etc. to make it look attractive. If one sees all this for themselves, he will be immune against all undue idealisation of love and sex. But the point is to see for yourself because otherwise you can never be sure your mind won´t swing back to sensuality and start seeking gratification where there is in fact little to none - and this will be caused by lack of empirical data in the first place.
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