Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
bhooooo
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:48 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by bhooooo »

Hi,
this thread has been nice to read. I start by quoting and then add my own thoughts...
Pondera wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 8:51 am
#1 piece of advice. STOP MASTURBATING TO INTERNET PORN.

Your testosterone levels are the number 1 determining factor that will decide if you get laid or not.
This is a must: internet porn sends your primal brain into overdrive and it takes years to recover from these addictions. I made the mistake to masturbate to cope with life, which has been a mistake that took a lot of time to recover from.
confusedlayman wrote: Fri Feb 26, 2021 2:57 pm at max u can masturbrate but u need to give it up if u want to progress higher stages...
what higher stages? I'm practicing semen retention, been reading the Brahmacharya and noticing first hand the power of the sexual energy. Please share other readings for this path, there's never enough resources to learn from!
coconut wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:35 am For example, sex is two people masturbating eachother with their bodies, but it's only a perception that calls this disgusting act, "love".

You can attain that same perception and "love" feeling without other people and without masturbation, or sensual contact. You can do it through brahma viharas. Perceptions can arise without a body, and are not dependent on bodies.
I agree and I add that it helps to have a clear distinction between lust, love and companionship. Contemplate the impermanence of physical beauty, understand how the sexual appetite is never going to be satisfied regardless of the amount of sex and at the same time cultivate inner love, towards yourself, others and the universe.

The grass is always greener on the other side also when it comes to relationship status: do not rely on external factors for being satisfied in your skin. There's plenty of cases where the bachelor seeks companionship only to miss his solitude and independence. Likewise, seek in a partner a compatible character when it comes to hobbies, lifestyle and vision about kids. Avoid at all costs red flags from your potential partner. Best of luck on your quest!

Personally, I trust the universe: recently had a lucid dream about a baby and eventually it's going to happen. After my last break-up, however, I am taking some time on my own.
Saaz
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2021 7:48 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Saaz »

Hi!

I think I can relate a lot to your situation. I sometimes feel lonely, but the curious thing is that I don't feel lonely when I'm alone, but when I'm among people; lately I'm coming to the conclusion that this loneliness appears when it becomes evident that I hold a different set of values from my colleagues, friends, family. I'm not interested in having a relationship or gather with people in the usual way (chit-chat, alcool, etc.). I have spent many years trying to be sure wasn't a problem of social anxiety or extremely shiness, but I'm keen to believe that the problem is the fact that I miss a Sangha and that instead I'm associated with non-Buddhist peers.

I think would be nice to chat privately and have a confrontation. Unfortunately, I'm new to the site and I cannot yet send private messages :)
Observing
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2021 9:56 am

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Observing »

Thinking that happiness will come from a person or situation is ignorance. Feelings, situations, and people are uncontrollable, unsatisfying, and impermanent. Seeking out a relationship in the hope it will bring you happiness is going to lead to suffering. If you do find a relationship, that's ok of course. But coming to view it as your source of happiness is not seeing reality.
anagaarika
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2021 1:38 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by anagaarika »

This might sound a bit heretic or harsh, but I´ll share my perspective anyway.

I don´t know your background so please don´t read this as any kind of judgement, but from what I have often seen the problem is inadequate romantization or idealisation of "love". Even in this thread you see people arguing for discrimination between some lofty ideal of "love" and "mere" sex. I personally see both as nothing but equally mistaken grasping for an object - be it imagined personality (in case of love) or body. A lot of people suffer from a kind of false piety regarding sexual activity - they say it´s something reserved only for the "right" person in the "right" situation etc. etc.... I see this as utterly delusional: sex is always just a mechanical process, just as the so called romantic "love" is. The one may be more sublimated than the other, but it´s still the same grasping. Different forms may be more or less damaging, for sure, but my point is that there is really nothing inherently uplifting in love. It´s nothing but your brain rewarding you for working on procreation, that´s it. If all those men (and there are plenty today) who cannot find a sexual partner actually could have sex for a few times at least, I´m sure many of them would see how unwise the idealisation thereof is. Being in love is uplifting in the same way as taking a MDMA pill is - basically your brain tripping.

As for the sex part, I still believe the easiest way of getting rid of the sexual drive is to see for yourself how unfulfilling and laborious it is (that is to actually try it - direct experience is the best cure against idealization). Just as someone wrote - the body is inherently disgusting and needs to be cleaned constantly to be seen as attractive. We wash it because it has a tendency to get dirty, we put on perfumes because it has a tendency to stink, we see doctors because it has a tendency to get sick, we beautify it because it has a tendency to get ugly, we have to shave it, cut nails, take care of hair etc. etc. to make it look attractive. If one sees all this for themselves, he will be immune against all undue idealisation of love and sex. But the point is to see for yourself because otherwise you can never be sure your mind won´t swing back to sensuality and start seeking gratification where there is in fact little to none - and this will be caused by lack of empirical data in the first place.
yinyangkoi
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Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2022 3:55 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by yinyangkoi »

I am in a relationship right now, I have been with the same woman for years. In the beginning the sex is very frequent because of the hormones being released. Now sex is infrequent. There are also two kinds of sex. One kind is driven by lust, animal lust. The other is much different, it feels more like making love. When you make love there is the feeling of unison with your partner. You are completely present and become one with each other (that's how it feels). It's very intimate, it feels like your hearts are connected and one. However this is also only temporary. And no matter if you are in relationship or single, it will be a bit unsatisfactory. So don't depend on a partner to make you happy. It is great to have someone you can practice compassion with, and a partner who can help you and support you when you are sick or need help. I really want my family and partner to be happy and help them as much as possible. Over time I have dropped the notion of them being my family and my partner. Now I see them just as humans, beings, when they need help I help them. Also my teacher has a partner as well (she is a zen master), but I don't know about the Theravada tradition.
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Ontheway
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Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2021 3:35 pm

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Ontheway »

It is a personal choice.

Monkhood is definitely the ideal option in the light of True Dhamma proclaimed by the Blessed One.

But most people are just not ready to commit them to full time practice, due to responsibility, personal weakness, or health issues.

One should think carefully whether he is capable of living independently and get use to homelessness or not. Buddhist monkhood should not be treated as a way to get away from worldly matters (escapism) or for leisure.

I remember there was a simile on internet said that
To be a Bhikkhu is like sitting on a tall big alpha elephant. You will be given honour, respect, and in high moral status. Behave carefully and be diligent in guarding body doors and senses.

If the person acted carelessly and failed to guard the senses: just like a person seated on a tall big elephant, acted carelessly and fall from the high seat and landed on ground with bruises, broken bones, sometimes even death occurs. Similarly, the Bhikkhu now who acted carelessly and failed to guard the senses, will get blame here and now, rejected from companions in holy life, even reborn to Hell after death.
The Buddha said:
monk fall hell.jpg
"Those streams which flow throughout the world, Ajita", said the Lord, "Mindfulness serves to curb them in, This I call the restraint of the streams. But wisdom only turns them off."

(Sn 1035)
Maarten
Posts: 128
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:14 pm
Location: The Netherlands

Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Maarten »

JC938 wrote: Mon Feb 01, 2021 7:41 pm Hi,

My age is already 31. I have never had a gf in life, nor sex.

I know very well that Buddha taught to give up sex, to resolve to be a sanyasi is right resolve.

But sometimes, I feel like, maybe I should give up and live a simpler life. When I see people asking questions in youtube chat like "I need a bf" from some teenagers.

And I feel like, yes, I need gf. I feel like I need. I don't just want sex, but I do want love, I don't know if I want love, but maybe it will make me live a happy life, maybe I should seek companionship in life. I should live a good life, a simple life. You know, like simple living, high thinking.

Maybe I should practice good sila, practice good meditation. But live a lay life, not a monk life.

Well, I don't really want sex (that bad right now), but i do want compassion type love, friendship, maybe I should go out and make friends with both male and female.

I felt really good after talking nice to strangers on youtube. So, I feel like connecting with people. I don't want to be alone.

Thanks for reading, any comments is welcome.

Any advice? My question is, I do know very well that sanyasi life or being single is good for me, it can even make me happy if I have compassion type love. But, sometimes I feel like I'm attracted to Opposite sex. I don't even really have a question since it's something I need to decide for myself. But i just want to see what are your guys views about this thing.

Thanks
I'm a virgin myself at 38 and I'm perfectly fine with it. This idea you have about needing to lose your virginity comes from 'macho male' conditioning. At least in western culture many men get taught that a 'real man' isn't a virgin and has lots of sex. It is viewed as the greatest pleasure, while in fact compared to some of the pleasures the practice has to offer it' isn't much at all.

Besides you aren't really a virgin to begin with, you've done it countless of times in every which way imaginable, you just can't remember it anymore.

The idea of wanting to have love is 'romantic conditioning' where our culture spins the narrative that in order to be happy you need to be in love. This story is only there because people don't know anything better that this. They think the horrible deal of alternating between being in love and having your heart broken is the best you can hope for. Just cultivate Metta and you'll get to feel a much greater love, similar to being in love with all of humanity, and you'll never get your heart broken, because it's unconditional! It will also solve your problem of loneliness, which you should just be prepared to deal with on your own, and it will turn into solitude, which mean you won't need to depend on anyone else to be happy anymore.
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