How to Manage Embarrassment/Shame

[Wildflowers]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering what the buddhist approach is to embarrassment or shame? This is a bit long but I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and help.

Because of issues that happened in my upbringing and family of origin I have quite a strong reaction to embarrassment, shame and not belonging. I don’t have a strong network of supportive family and friends because of this upbringing, as it has made me withdraw from the word a bit and be quite scared.

I recently had a period of time where I was processing what happened to me as a child. It just came to the surface all of a sudden. For a time it made me notice all of the instances where people are not accepting or thoughtful of me and I feel perhaps I was a little too vocal about that. I do not like being that way, I want to think the best of people but this pain keeps bringing me back to a place that is disappointed and saddened by what people are not doing for me and not having a strong support network in my life.

I perhaps naïvely confided in partners family about my feelings because I thought they would be understanding, but I was not met with compassion unfortunately. More with avoidance. I feel shame now because I feel like they might see me as a negative person that thinks the worst of the people around her because I expressed my feelings about my upbringing and situation. I am also feeling guilty because I do not want to be that person. I feel like hiding away from his family now.

I need to see them regularly because they are my partners family. I can’t bring it up and talk to them about it because they don’t react well to people talking about emotions so I feel a bit stuck. I have this knee jerk reaction to really shut-off and withdraw when I feel this way not out of anger or anything more out of fear/shame.

In short I really would love to just move past it positively but I find it hard to show my face and not withdraw and hide. I feel a lot of stress when I am around them now because I feel like I have misrepresented myself.

It is as simple as noticing I have this habit of not thinking the best of people at times, not being hard on myself because I know the feelings and reactions comes from pain and just trying my best as I go forward to apply buddhist ideas (loving kindness, right action, speech ect) going forward?

Thanks again for any help

[DooDoot]

I am wondering what the buddhist approach is to embarrassment or shame?

Hi there Wildflowers.

Buddhism says to be overly self-conscious will bring us suffering. Buddhism points to self-identifying as the root source of suffering.

I recently had a period of time where I was processing what happened to me as a child. It just came to the surface all of a sudden.

Yes. People can certainly be unkind to each other, which includes to their own children. Buddhism does not recommend this unkindness.

I perhaps naïvely confided in partners family about my feelings because I thought they would be understanding, but I was not met with compassion unfortunately.

Possibly you can attend a good trustworthy Buddhist centre and speak to a Buddhist teacher or counselor.

I need to see them regularly because they are my partners family. I can’t bring it up and talk to them about it because they don’t react well to people talking about emotions so I feel a bit stuck.

Possibly you can simply forget about what happened with your in-laws and let it pass. If they don't mention it again then simply forget it, in relation to them.

i feel shame now because I feel like they might see me as a negative person that thinks the worst of the people around her because I expressed my feelings about my upbringing and situation.

Buddhism says to feel shame in relation to what we should not feel shame towards will bring heavy suffering. The Buddhist scriptures say:

316. Those who are ashamed of what they should not be ashamed of, and are not ashamed of what they should be ashamed of — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .budd.html

In summary:

1. Parents are wrong when unkind to their children

2. Your in-laws are wrong (that is, lacking) to not have sympathy towards you.

While we should be grateful to whatever good our parents did for us, it is not wrong of us to find fault with our parent's shortcomings. This will allow us to improve as people and not repeat our parents mistakes. If we ourselves are parents, we will be better parents to our children.

I have this knee jerk reaction to really shut-off and withdraw when I feel this way not out of anger or anything more out of fear/shame.

It sounds like your in-laws are not the right people for you to take refuge in. Simply let it pass and consider choosing another sphere, such as a professional counselor, a trustworthy Buddhist centre or even this chat site, to sort out your wish to feel properly loved & respected, as your personal intuition seeks & knows is true & correct.

In short I really would love to just move past it positively but I find it hard to show my face and not withdraw and hide. I feel a lot of stress when I am around them now because I feel like I have misrepresented myself.

Imo, based on what you wrote, there is no need to feel shame in relation the lack of empathy of your parents-in-law. In short, imo, they were wrong. However, it is not an issue you need to have with them. Simply let it pass. We don't feel shame in relation to uncompassionate people. We only feel shame when we ourselves transgress the Buddhist moral precepts.

It is as simple as noticing I have this habit of not thinking the best of people at times

Buddhism teaches us to think realistically about people; in terms of both their good & bad qualities. We practise appreciation (called 'mudita') towards good qualities and we practise compassion & equanimity towards bad qualities.

trying my best as I go forward to apply buddhist ideas (loving kindness, right action, speech ect) going forward?

In your situation, it appears loving-kindness towards your self is currently the most important things. As I quoted already, Buddhism instructs us to distinguish good from bad & right from wrong, as follows:

316. Those who are ashamed of what they should not be ashamed of, and are not ashamed of what they should be ashamed of — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

317. Those who see something to fear where there is nothing to fear, and see nothing to fear where there is something to fear — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

318. Those who imagine evil where there is none, and do not see evil where it is — upholding false views, they go to states of woe.

319. Those who discern the wrong as wrong and the right as right — upholding right views, they go to realms of bliss

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .budd.html

Buddhism also advises us to find trustworthy virtuous spiritual friends (called 'kalyanamitta') to assist & support us on this path towards ending suffering.

Kind regards

[Akashad]

Hi Wildflowers,

Practice the brahmaviharas towards yourself.Its very soothing and has the power to lighten or heal situations.Even if external things dont change internally you will feel relieved.

[SarathW]

Hi Wildflowers,

Practice the brahmaviharas towards yourself.Its very soothing and has the power to lighten or heal situations.Even if external things dont change internally you will feel relieved.

Also contemplate on eight worldly conditions.

"Monks, these eight worldly conditions spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions. Which eight? Gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. These are the eight worldly conditions that spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

[auto]

Hi Wildflowers,

Practice the brahmaviharas towards yourself.Its very soothing and has the power to lighten or heal situations.Even if external things dont change internally you will feel relieved.

its useless.

[Akashad]

[quoting of now deleted post removed]

Wildflower is clearly hurting.Times like these it's very hard to think about "the minds eyes" and "proper attention",when theres so much pain, etc.Brahmaviharas can provide relief.After the pain lessens wildflower can be in the position to practice seeing the minds eyes etc.

Also brahmaviharas work I practice it everyday.im not sure why parents dont teach this meditation often maybe they just dont know about it,dont trust or cant see the cause and effects that proceed after practicing it.Ive seen the effects of brahmaviharas and that's why I do it without fail.i wish more people could see it but to each their own.maybe their not as concerned about easy terrains and it doesnt bother them to live on rough terrain.It doesnt matter we all headed to the Other Shore choosing which practice resonated more with us.

[SteRo]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering what the buddhist approach is to embarrassment or shame?

Mindfulness of embarrassment or shame. "Here it is again: embarrassment", "Here it is again: shame". Through objectification you realize that neither embarrassment nor shame are you because you are observing what is other. Training thus you abandon being overwhelmed by embarrassment or shame because these have nothing to do with you.

[auto]

[quoting of now deleted post removed]

Wildflower is clearly hurting.Times like these it's very hard to think about "the minds eyes" and "proper attention",when theres so much pain, etc.Brahmaviharas can provide relief.After the pain lessens wildflower can be in the position to practice seeing the minds eyes etc.

Also brahmaviharas work I practice it everyday.im not sure why parents dont teach this meditation often maybe they just dont know about it,dont trust or cant see the cause and effects that proceed after practicing it.Ive seen the effects of brahmaviharas and that's why I do it without fail.i wish more people could see it but to each their own.maybe their not as concerned about easy terrains and it doesnt bother them to live on rough terrain.It doesnt matter we all headed to the Other Shore choosing which practice resonated more with us.

If you are confronted with the situation where thinking about attending it makes you feel shame and embarrassment. Thinking about attending that situation, what is about to come, is possible exposing you what you find shameful. It is supposed to be so. And not to mention, it is chronical, it happen when it happens, you can't get shame out at certain times even if you try hard and other times you don't need effort since there is a literal situation threat..i don't know really the mechanics here..

“Sir, one truly sees with right wisdom that this has come to be.“Bhūtamidanti, bhante, yathābhūtaṃ sammappaññāya passati.
Seeing this, one is practicing for disillusionment, dispassion, and cessation regarding what has come to be.Bhūtamidanti yathābhūtaṃ sammappaññāya disvā bhūtassa nibbidāya virāgāya nirodhāya paṭipanno hoti.
..

I think the idea is to become dispassionate towards what have arisen, so don't try to make it go away nor hold on to it.

Shame is causing repulsive sensation. If you want to get rid of shame, it is attachment to cessation.

One truly sees with right wisdom that it originated with that as fuel.Tadāhārasambhavanti yathābhūtaṃ sammappaññāya passati.

shame is the fuel for repulsive sensation. In short what actually matters is not shame individually but as where it stands in the equation and we don't deal with shame specifically it can be any other things acting as fuel and all things get cultivated.

but this is how i interpret Sutta now.

[Aloka]

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This little talk (approx. 8 minutes) from Ajahn Amaro might help: "Letting go in a balanced way".







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[one_awakening]

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This little talk (approx. 8 minutes) from Ajahn Amaro might help: "Letting go in a balanced way".







.

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Brilliant video explained in such a simple way Just shows you how often people complicate the Dhamma unnecessarily.




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[Aloka]

Brilliant video explained in such a simple way Just shows you how often people complicate the Dhamma unnecessarily.

Good to know that you liked it!



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[cappuccino]

I am wondering what the buddhist approach is to embarrassment or shame?

well it's from self-view

[confusedlayman]

I am wondering what the buddhist approach is to embarrassment or shame?

well it's from self-view

[User1249x]

Some circumstances i would consider;
- Shame, as a principle is a good thing in that it keeps good people from wrong-doing
- Many people are ashamed of what isn't considered shameful by wise people and are not ashamed of what is considered shameful by wise people
- World in general doesn't agree on what is and isn't shameful
- One can't please everyone and live up to everyone's ideas of what is and isn't shameful. This or that person will inevitably find one at fault.
- If one is ashamed of one's conduct that can be seen as a positive thing because being ashamed is better than being shameless in wrong-doing.
- One who is ashamed is a likely candidate to eradicate wrong-doing and live without shame & regret
- If one due to wrong-views and general bewilderment might be ashamed of what isn't shameful one should investigate the basis of that