How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

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Ionbuddy
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How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by Ionbuddy »

I have an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous when someone is upset. How do you deal with this? Staying silent might agitate such a person.

Thank you. :hug:
I still have defilements.
dharmacorps
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by dharmacorps »

You could watch your breath. Do equanimity meditation. Equanimity meditation is particularly helpful when dealing with strong reactions to other people (ill will, or the opposite too).
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DooDoot
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by DooDoot »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am Staying silent might agitate such a person.
Actually, often, but not always, the above does not occur. Often, staying silent gives the impression to the other person you are listening & supporting. Often the other person merely wants someone to listen to them rather than wants someone to give them advice. Often distraught people are incapable of taking & understanding advice.
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 amHow do you deal with this?
The optimal way to deal with this is to understand the Buddhist teachings on right action and the underlying qualities required for right action (such as found in DN 31; AN 4.55; etc; etc). When this understanding exists, one can truly understand the causes for why another is upset and also understand the optimal solution.

As an example, the suttas teach in a few places the right qualities required for a lasting relationship. If these teachings are comprehended then one can discern in an upset person how their former or current relationship lacked/s the appropriate qualities. Such understanding really helps in staying stable because one understands the negative results of another's unskillful kamma are inevitable.

In short, in Buddhism, the reflection to develop equanimity is: "all beings are the heirs to & owners of their actions. Whatever they do, for good or for ill, of their kamma they will be the heirs".

When your empathy is unbalanced &/or excessive, this shows you are taking "ownership" of the other persons actions rather than imputing ownership or responsibility upon the other person for their own inevitable outcomes.
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 amHow do you deal with this?
A secular way is to do a counselling course; which can often be done without cost with a suicide counselling public service; such as LifeLine. Or simply read a book about client-centred counselling. These will teach "client-centred" counselling approaches, which include acknowledging what the other person is feeling & thinking and then, when appropriate or timely, asking the other person about any solutions they have considered for their situation.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by cappuccino »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am How do you deal with this?
people enjoy being upset


you can neglect this kind of enjoyment
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by SteRo »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am I have an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous when someone is upset. How do you deal with this? Staying silent might agitate such a person.
"an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous" sounds like agitation. Think about it.
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coconut
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by coconut »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am I have an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous when someone is upset. How do you deal with this? Staying silent might agitate such a person.

Thank you. :hug:
Walk away until they calm down.
dharmacorps
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by dharmacorps »

SteRo wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 9:48 am
"an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous" sounds like agitation. Think about it.
yeah, this sounds right. What they may be interpreting as empathy may be something else. They may just get engulfed in other people's emotions, which makes them reactive rather than empathic.
Ionbuddy
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by Ionbuddy »

dharmacorps wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 7:50 pm yeah, this sounds right. What they may be interpreting as empathy may be something else. They may just get engulfed in other people's emotions, which makes them reactive rather than empathic.
Well I guess it depends on what your definition of empathy is. If it's the common definition then it's feeling what the other person is feeling. If it's the nursing definition, then it's quite a bit more complicated. There's probably many more definitions I'm simply not aware of.

Generally, something like the common definition is seen as a good thing, at least at a certain level.
I still have defilements.
dharmacorps
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by dharmacorps »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:31 pm
Generally, something like the common definition is seen as a good thing, at least at a certain level.
If it is a good thing then it wouldn't cause you trouble and you wouldn't be reasonably asking for help.
Ionbuddy
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by Ionbuddy »

dharmacorps wrote: Mon Jan 25, 2021 12:50 am
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:31 pm
Generally, something like the common definition is seen as a good thing, at least at a certain level.
If it is a good thing then it wouldn't cause you trouble and you wouldn't be reasonably asking for help.
That's a fair point.
I still have defilements.
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Aloka
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by Aloka »

DooDoot wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:48 am
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am Staying silent might agitate such a person.
Actually, often, but not always, the above does not occur. Often, staying silent gives the impression to the other person you are listening & supporting. Often the other person merely wants someone to listen to them rather than wants someone to give them advice. Often distraught people are incapable of taking & understanding advice.
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 amHow do you deal with this?
The optimal way to deal with this is to understand the Buddhist teachings on right action and the underlying qualities required for right action (such as found in DN 31; AN 4.55; etc; etc). When this understanding exists, one can truly understand the causes for why another is upset and also understand the optimal solution.

As an example, the suttas teach in a few places the right qualities required for a lasting relationship. If these teachings are comprehended then one can discern in an upset person how their former or current relationship lacked/s the appropriate qualities. Such understanding really helps in staying stable because one understands the negative results of another's unskillful kamma are inevitable.

In short, in Buddhism, the reflection to develop equanimity is: "all beings are the heirs to & owners of their actions. Whatever they do, for good or for ill, of their kamma they will be the heirs".

When your empathy is unbalanced &/or excessive, this shows you are taking "ownership" of the other persons actions rather than imputing ownership or responsibility upon the other person for their own inevitable outcomes.
Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 amHow do you deal with this?
A secular way is to do a counselling course; which can often be done without cost with a suicide counselling public service; such as LifeLine. Or simply read a book about client-centred counselling. These will teach "client-centred" counselling approaches, which include acknowledging what the other person is feeling & thinking and then, when appropriate or timely, asking the other person about any solutions they have considered for their situation.

:goodpost:
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by BlackMagic »

Imagine their breath moving into their hara/lower daintein a few finger breadths below the navel. Breathe peacefully calmly and think RA. It will move you both past the bardo/intermediate state/nindana of becoming.
What has happened; Is that which has yet to come. What will be ...Already is.
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confusedlayman
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person

Post by confusedlayman »

Ionbuddy wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:07 am I have an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous when someone is upset. How do you deal with this? Staying silent might agitate such a person.

Thank you. :hug:
only anagami and arhant can do it naturally
I may be slow learner but im at least learning...
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