I have an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous when someone is upset. How do you deal with this? Staying silent might agitate such a person.
Thank you.
How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
I still have defilements.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
You could watch your breath. Do equanimity meditation. Equanimity meditation is particularly helpful when dealing with strong reactions to other people (ill will, or the opposite too).
Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
Actually, often, but not always, the above does not occur. Often, staying silent gives the impression to the other person you are listening & supporting. Often the other person merely wants someone to listen to them rather than wants someone to give them advice. Often distraught people are incapable of taking & understanding advice.
The optimal way to deal with this is to understand the Buddhist teachings on right action and the underlying qualities required for right action (such as found in DN 31; AN 4.55; etc; etc). When this understanding exists, one can truly understand the causes for why another is upset and also understand the optimal solution.
As an example, the suttas teach in a few places the right qualities required for a lasting relationship. If these teachings are comprehended then one can discern in an upset person how their former or current relationship lacked/s the appropriate qualities. Such understanding really helps in staying stable because one understands the negative results of another's unskillful kamma are inevitable.
In short, in Buddhism, the reflection to develop equanimity is: "all beings are the heirs to & owners of their actions. Whatever they do, for good or for ill, of their kamma they will be the heirs".
When your empathy is unbalanced &/or excessive, this shows you are taking "ownership" of the other persons actions rather than imputing ownership or responsibility upon the other person for their own inevitable outcomes.
A secular way is to do a counselling course; which can often be done without cost with a suicide counselling public service; such as LifeLine. Or simply read a book about client-centred counselling. These will teach "client-centred" counselling approaches, which include acknowledging what the other person is feeling & thinking and then, when appropriate or timely, asking the other person about any solutions they have considered for their situation.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
people enjoy being upset
you can neglect this kind of enjoyment
Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
"an uncontrollable amount of empathy, which makes it hard for me to stay equanimous" sounds like agitation. Think about it.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
yeah, this sounds right. What they may be interpreting as empathy may be something else. They may just get engulfed in other people's emotions, which makes them reactive rather than empathic.
Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
Well I guess it depends on what your definition of empathy is. If it's the common definition then it's feeling what the other person is feeling. If it's the nursing definition, then it's quite a bit more complicated. There's probably many more definitions I'm simply not aware of.dharmacorps wrote: ↑Sun Jan 24, 2021 7:50 pm yeah, this sounds right. What they may be interpreting as empathy may be something else. They may just get engulfed in other people's emotions, which makes them reactive rather than empathic.
Generally, something like the common definition is seen as a good thing, at least at a certain level.
I still have defilements.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
That's a fair point.dharmacorps wrote: ↑Mon Jan 25, 2021 12:50 amIf it is a good thing then it wouldn't cause you trouble and you wouldn't be reasonably asking for help.
I still have defilements.
Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
DooDoot wrote: ↑Sun Jan 24, 2021 12:48 amActually, often, but not always, the above does not occur. Often, staying silent gives the impression to the other person you are listening & supporting. Often the other person merely wants someone to listen to them rather than wants someone to give them advice. Often distraught people are incapable of taking & understanding advice.
The optimal way to deal with this is to understand the Buddhist teachings on right action and the underlying qualities required for right action (such as found in DN 31; AN 4.55; etc; etc). When this understanding exists, one can truly understand the causes for why another is upset and also understand the optimal solution.
As an example, the suttas teach in a few places the right qualities required for a lasting relationship. If these teachings are comprehended then one can discern in an upset person how their former or current relationship lacked/s the appropriate qualities. Such understanding really helps in staying stable because one understands the negative results of another's unskillful kamma are inevitable.
In short, in Buddhism, the reflection to develop equanimity is: "all beings are the heirs to & owners of their actions. Whatever they do, for good or for ill, of their kamma they will be the heirs".
When your empathy is unbalanced &/or excessive, this shows you are taking "ownership" of the other persons actions rather than imputing ownership or responsibility upon the other person for their own inevitable outcomes.A secular way is to do a counselling course; which can often be done without cost with a suicide counselling public service; such as LifeLine. Or simply read a book about client-centred counselling. These will teach "client-centred" counselling approaches, which include acknowledging what the other person is feeling & thinking and then, when appropriate or timely, asking the other person about any solutions they have considered for their situation.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
Imagine their breath moving into their hara/lower daintein a few finger breadths below the navel. Breathe peacefully calmly and think RA. It will move you both past the bardo/intermediate state/nindana of becoming.
What has happened; Is that which has yet to come. What will be ...Already is.
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Re: How to stay stable in the presence of distraught person
only anagami and arhant can do it naturally
I may be slow learner but im at least learning...