Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
JC938
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Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by JC938 »

Hi,

My age is already 31. I have never had a gf in life, nor sex.

I know very well that Buddha taught to give up sex, to resolve to be a sanyasi is right resolve.

But sometimes, I feel like, maybe I should give up and live a simpler life. When I see people asking questions in youtube chat like "I need a bf" from some teenagers.

And I feel like, yes, I need gf. I feel like I need. I don't just want sex, but I do want love, I don't know if I want love, but maybe it will make me live a happy life, maybe I should seek companionship in life. I should live a good life, a simple life. You know, like simple living, high thinking.

Maybe I should practice good sila, practice good meditation. But live a lay life, not a monk life.

Well, I don't really want sex (that bad right now), but i do want compassion type love, friendship, maybe I should go out and make friends with both male and female.

I felt really good after talking nice to strangers on youtube. So, I feel like connecting with people. I don't want to be alone.

Thanks for reading, any comments is welcome.

Any advice? My question is, I do know very well that sanyasi life or being single is good for me, it can even make me happy if I have compassion type love. But, sometimes I feel like I'm attracted to Opposite sex. I don't even really have a question since it's something I need to decide for myself. But i just want to see what are your guys views about this thing.

Thanks
JohnK
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by JohnK »

JC938 wrote: Mon Feb 01, 2021 7:41 pm ...
Maybe I should practice good sila, practice good meditation. But live a lay life, not a monk life.
...
That sounds like a pretty darn good life.
The Buddha had many lay followers -- even noble ones.
The monastic community still depends on them.
I don't want to discourage you from becoming a monk if that's what is really right for you, but it sounds like that may not be for you -- it is clearly not for everyone.
(Also one should be careful not to use the teachings on solitude to justify a tendency toward unhealthy social isolation.)
Just my two cents.
:anjali:
Those who grasp at perceptions & views wander the internet creating friction. [based on Sn4:9,v.847]
SteRo
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by SteRo »

JC938 wrote: Mon Feb 01, 2021 7:41 pm Any advice?
Calm down and don't think too much.
Cleared. αδόξαστος.
Inedible
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Inedible »

The world is a different place than it was in Buddha's time. Public education, libraries, internet search engines. Our brains are different now than they were just fifty years ago.

What do you really want? Where are you going?
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Pondera
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Pondera »

You should not die a virgin. You should at least have sex once in order to know if you want more or you can see the inherent problems that arise from sex.

If you DO have sex and you fall in love, your relationship will likely involve a LOT of sex, and then marriage and then children - and then forget about becoming a Buddhist.

Here is the secret. But first - look at the times we’re living in. The days of going to a night club, getting intoxicated, having the courage to ask a girl to dance - buy her drinks - get her number - or better yet - go home together ...

COVID 19 has ended those days for you my friend. And that is how most guys your age get laid. So you should consider your chances of getting laid to be quite low at this weird and dangerous point in time.

To be a 31 year old virgin is not so bad. But you need to get laid. Use protection. Use “Tinder”.

#1 piece of advice. STOP MASTURBATING TO INTERNET PORN.

Your testosterone levels are the number 1 determining factor that will decide if you get laid or not.

If you chose to masturbate excessively - you will never get laid. A) you will never have the desire B) you will never have the kamma and C) you will never have the pheromones - to find and hook up with a girl.

If you completely STOP all masturbation to internet porn - you will A) increase testosterone levels B) increased testosterone levels will drive your mental intentions to find sexual gratification AWAY from your right hand and your smart phone - and C) you will develop the pheromones which will unconsciously attract women to you.

You’re 31! Take care of your self. Show some restraint. And get laid when this pandemic is over.
Like the three marks of conditioned existence, this world in itself is filthy, hostile, and crowded
coconut
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by coconut »

Regarding op,

there's nothing special about sex, and it's rather disgusting and dirty. The body is dirty, it smells, it has bacteria, diseases, it gets rid of toxins through fluids, just like a vagina gets rid of bacteria and toxins through mucus,. and it has bad smells, and needs to be constantly cleaned, It's quite disgusting.

As for companionship, as a lay person there is nothing wrong with meeting good people. But good people are actually quite rare. The average person only cares about stimulating their senses, and you are nothing but an object they use to stimulate their own senses. You are basically a masturbation object they use to masturbate their senses with. Same with sex, they're just using your body to masturbate themselves with. It's not love.

What you're really desiring is positive feelings associated with "love". Those are what one needs to not feel alone. And your own mind is just as capable of producing those feelings as anyone elses mind. Those feelings are not produced by people, but by perception.

For example, sex is two people masturbating eachother with their bodies, but it's only a perception that calls this disgusting act, "love".

You can attain that same perception and "love" feeling without other people and without masturbation, or sensual contact. You can do it through brahma viharas. Perceptions can arise without a body, and are not dependent on bodies.
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Sam Vara
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Sam Vara »

coconut wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:35 am
For example, sex is two people masturbating eachother with their bodies, but it's only a perception that calls this disgusting act, "love".
Maybe the internet is like that too, but involving minds rather than bodies...and with the added excitement that lots of other people might join in... :?
coconut
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by coconut »

Sam Vara wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:49 am
coconut wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:35 am
For example, sex is two people masturbating eachother with their bodies, but it's only a perception that calls this disgusting act, "love".
Maybe the internet is like that too, but involving minds rather than bodies...and with the added excitement that lots of other people might join in... :?
It's what I call mental masturbation. Same with information hoarding.

Jhanas are also mental masturbation, but are relatively more wholesome than worldly thought masturbation, and jhanas are a necessary stepping stone to freedom.
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cappuccino
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by cappuccino »

coconut wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 11:52 am Jhanas are also mental masturbation
jhāna is calm


the opposite of excitement


excitement is the domain of sex
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cappuccino
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by cappuccino »

JC938 wrote: Mon Feb 01, 2021 7:41 pm I have never had a gf in life, nor sex.
which would you rather have?


the teaching or girls
befriend
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by befriend »

I'm sorry to hear you feel alone, volunteering is a good way to meet people. If you have social anxiety I don't know but I try to get the newspaper daily so I have interesting things to talk about. You could always connect with a sibling or aunt or uncle on the phone or join a zoom Dhamma group to talk to wholesome people. Also doing brahma viharas makes you feel less alone even when by yourself.
Take care of mindfulness and mindfulness will take care of you.
SunWuKong
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by SunWuKong »

Samgha is, or should be, like family. You go to a retreat and feel like you have known these people all your life. That should be enough. Platonic relationships are okay too, nobody should make sexuality a condition of friendship. It's possible to be a lay person in a relationship or marriage and still practice Buddha, Samgha, Dhamma. In fact, if you are truly at things juncture, it might be better to seek any relationships within the samgha, because mixed relationships have so much struggle. At least, both parties should be on a spiritual path together. Buddhism requires letting go attachments. The sad thing about life, relationships, family: none of it is permanent. Not having it in the first place means you don't lose it when it is taken away, which it will be, either by separations, careers, divorce, illness, or death; these are sure to happen.
Cortadew
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Cortadew »

Pondera wrote: Tue Feb 02, 2021 8:51 am You should not die a virgin. You should at least have sex once in order to know if you want more or you can see the inherent problems that arise from sex.

If you DO have sex and you fall in love, your relationship will likely involve a LOT of sex, and then marriage and then children - and then forget about becoming a Buddhist.

Here is the secret. But first - look at the times we’re living in. The days of going to a night club, getting intoxicated, having the courage to ask a girl to dance - buy her drinks - get her number - or better yet - go home together ...

COVID 19 has ended those days for you my friend. And that is how most guys your age get laid. So you should consider your chances of getting laid to be quite low at this weird and dangerous point in time.

To be a 31 year old virgin is not so bad. But you need to get laid. Use protection. Use “Tinder”.

#1 piece of advice. STOP MASTURBATING TO INTERNET PORN.

Your testosterone levels are the number 1 determining factor that will decide if you get laid or not.

If you chose to masturbate excessively - you will never get laid. A) you will never have the desire B) you will never have the kamma and C) you will never have the pheromones - to find and hook up with a girl.

If you completely STOP all masturbation to internet porn - you will A) increase testosterone levels B) increased testosterone levels will drive your mental intentions to find sexual gratification AWAY from your right hand and your smart phone - and C) you will develop the pheromones which will unconsciously attract women to you.

You’re 31! Take care of your self. Show some restraint. And get laid when this pandemic is over.
I am in a similar situation and I believe being that old is better to give on romantic relationships and practice celibacy for life.
Inedible
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by Inedible »

There is an old story for children about a fox who finds some grapes growing on a vine. The fox tries to reach them and can't do it. Eventually the fox decides to quit trying and go away, saying that the grapes are no good for eating anyway. Sour grapes. The story is usually just shortened to those two words, sour grapes. It is applied to anyone who gives up too easily on what they wanted and just says it doesn't matter because it wasn't worth wanting anyway.
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confusedlayman
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Re: Family life vs homeless life/being single for life.

Post by confusedlayman »

at max u can masturbrate but u need to give it up if u want to progress higher stages...
I may be slow learner but im at least learning...
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