Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
mabw
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Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by mabw »

Greetings,

To married Buddhists here, I would like to hear how you live a Buddhist married life with kids. This is not a thread about getting married or not, or having kids or not.

Causes and conditions have just made me conclude that married life is something that I want to pursue. Not having many friends in meatspace, the Buddhists, I meet online, monk and lay, often advocate a celibate life. It's not something I can do, sorry. And reading a little too much of such views has just been a downward spiral for me spiritually, since it has more than once made me consider whether to give up on the whole Buddhist project entirely since at times it just seems so dour and difficult. I tell myself, Buddhism is realistic not pessimistic, but if i'm not ready to be celibate, then it is not healthy to keep forcing myself to be.

So, the only way I see myself going long term on the path is, while still having one foot in the samsaric world, and to have another foot learning and practising Buddhism.

Thank you in advance.
SarathW
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by SarathW »

Please read Singalovada Sutta and Parabhva Sutta meant for lay people.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
mabw
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by mabw »

SarathW wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 11:01 am Please read Singalovada Sutta and Parabhva Sutta meant for lay people.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html

Have read the former before, and now with your link have read the latter. Thank you. I was looking for something more applied, but suttas like these help too.
Mr Albatross
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by Mr Albatross »

mabw wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 11:20 amI was looking for something more applied, but suttas like these help too.
Are you already married? If not, then the important thing is to make sure that your bride-to-be is one of the four kinds of good wife, not the three kinds of bad wife. That's not an easy task, for in the courting stage the three bad kinds may try to dupe you by pretending to be one of the four good kinds. Women are fiendishly clever at this sort of thing.

To quote Rev. Ian Paisley: "When you meet the Devil in trousers he is very vicious, but when you meet the Devil in a skirt, then you are for it!"

So, I don't hold out very much hope for you if you go ahead with this perilous plan, but do at least acquaint yourself with the seven kinds of wives in the link below.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sujata_ ... s_of_wives
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by Ceisiwr »

I think the OP is asking more how to balance being a Buddhist and their Dhamma practice with having a family and family life, rather than how to meet a partner and how to treat them.
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
mabw
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by mabw »

Ceisiwr wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 12:47 pm I think the OP is asking more how to balance being a Buddhist and their Dhamma practice with having a family and family life, rather than how to meet a partner and how to treat them.
My sentiments exactly.
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robertk
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by robertk »

It doesn’t make much difference whether married or not.
There are the 6 sense bases, the external objects and the consciousnesses depending on these.
Whether walking or talking or hearing or seeing they arise and can be understood (or not). Just learn that every moment is conditioned and there is no self anywhere and then it seems that situations don’t really matter too much.

Robertk Married, 3 young children.
6B94D477-E87F-4028-9B95-46B63005169C.jpeg
On holiday now in Turkey.
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Dan74
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by Dan74 »

Personally I don't see a clash between Buddhist practice and married life, unless your spouse is against the practice or if married life places so many demands on you that you cannot spare any time for dedicated practice.

Ajahn Chah used to say that if you have time to breathe, you have time to meditate. It's a mistake many of us make, I think, to oppose lay life to practice and to see them as two, rather than one. https://rightmindfulness.wordpress.com/ ... -the-west/

Sure, formal practice is important. But I'd say one of the most important aspects of practice is to learn to integrate practice into life until there is just life-practice.
_/|\_
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Aloka
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by Aloka »

Hello mabw,

"A Constitution for Living by Ven. P. A. Payutto might be helpful:

https://www.watnyanaves.net/uploads/Fil ... living.pdf


:anjali:
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bodom
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by bodom »

Aloka wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 2:48 pm Hello mabw,

"A Constitution for Living by Ven. P. A. Payutto might be helpful:

https://www.watnyanaves.net/uploads/Fil ... living.pdf


:anjali:
I've been reading my copy of this book the last 2 weeks. Great study guide to living the lay life and Dhamma practice.

:anjali:
Liberation is the inevitable fruit of the path and is bound to blossom forth when there is steady and persistent practice. The only requirements for reaching the final goal are two: to start and to continue. If these requirements are met there is no doubt the goal will be attained. This is the Dhamma, the undeviating law.

- BB
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bodom
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by bodom »

mabw wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 10:11 am Greetings,

To married Buddhists here, I would like to hear how you live a Buddhist married life with kids. This is not a thread about getting married or not, or having kids or not.

Causes and conditions have just made me conclude that married life is something that I want to pursue. Not having many friends in meatspace, the Buddhists, I meet online, monk and lay, often advocate a celibate life. It's not something I can do, sorry. And reading a little too much of such views has just been a downward spiral for me spiritually, since it has more than once made me consider whether to give up on the whole Buddhist project entirely since at times it just seems so dour and difficult. I tell myself, Buddhism is realistic not pessimistic, but if i'm not ready to be celibate, then it is not healthy to keep forcing myself to be.

So, the only way I see myself going long term on the path is, while still having one foot in the samsaric world, and to have another foot learning and practising Buddhism.

Thank you in advance.
Here is a link to a western Dhamma teacher who has published a book entitled A Householders Vinaya. It is an excellent book that shows how Dhamma can be incorporated into a busy lay life with a wife and children.

You can download the book from this website for free as a pdf or purchase a hardcopy online from Amazon. I highly recommend it.

https://householdersvinaya.com/

:anjali:
Liberation is the inevitable fruit of the path and is bound to blossom forth when there is steady and persistent practice. The only requirements for reaching the final goal are two: to start and to continue. If these requirements are met there is no doubt the goal will be attained. This is the Dhamma, the undeviating law.

- BB
mabw
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by mabw »

robertk wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 12:54 pm

6B94D477-E87F-4028-9B95-46B63005169C.jpeg
On holiday now in Turkey.
Beautiful picture =)
mabw
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by mabw »

All very helpful so far. Keep them coming!
SarathW
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by SarathW »

I think it is important to find a wife with a broad-minded outlook towards religions.
If you find a non-Buddhist wife you may face a lot of conflicts.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
Alino
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Re: Balancing Dhamma and Married Laylife

Post by Alino »

Keeping one foot in Samsara means keeping wandering endlessly.

Only Sotapanna or Sakadagami have the luxe to chose between two modes of being and keep going. But they have done the job of renounciation already...

Being humain is precious.
Being in the world with the Dhamma is precious.
Encountering Dhamma is precious
Being able to understand it is precious
Practicing it is precious

Next time with this constellation will not be very soon for many of us. Life is short.

Renounciation of sensual stimulations is not easy in the beginning, in the same way as it's not easy to store smoking while everybody smoking around you. But once you breath fresh air, it's will be hard to come back to breath the smoke on the senses.
If one day you give it a try, it will give you unexpected hapiness and joy. As Ajahn Jayasaro said, something like : "no one of the great Masters regretted their sacrifices once they have realised the true happiness..." Because its worth it ! It worth the whole Samsara to be sacrificed, because the only thing g we sacrifice it's our own dukkha...
We don't live Samsara, Samsara is living us...

"Form, feelings, perceptions, formations, consciousness - don't care about us, we don't exist for them"
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