Relationships and the things we let go of

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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BasementBuddhist
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Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by BasementBuddhist »

I have a best friend who means the world to me. We are basically twins. We know each other inside and out. We can speak without speaking, and read each others minds. At times it seems, we are one person in two bodies.

I am growing more and more committed to the practice, meditating for hours a day and maintaining mindfulness as much as possible.

I've always been a very boisterous, emotional, passionate person, and this and shared anxieties and "vibes" are what really bond my friend and i. I can feel these things changing in me to a degree.

I'm scared that as the Buddha's teaching grows in me and the defilements lesson, this friend and I will grow apart. I'm almost afraid to go further into the practice because of this thought.

Is there a hope for having both the things that I want? Is this fear unfounded? Obviously the dynamic will shift as I change, that is a given. Have you guys lost friends because of the practice? Was it worth it? Any advice or ideas? Any thoughts?
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by Ceisiwr »

BasementBuddhist wrote: Sun Jan 10, 2021 2:32 am I have a best friend who means the world to me. We are basically twins. We know each other inside and out. We can speak without speaking, and read each others minds. At times it seems, we are one person in two bodies.

I am growing more and more committed to the practice, meditating for hours a day and maintaining mindfulness as much as possible.

I've always been a very boisterous, emotional, passionate person, and this and shared anxieties and "vibes" are what really bond my friend and i. I can feel these things changing in me to a degree.

I'm scared that as the Buddha's teaching grows in me and the defilements lesson, this friend and I will grow apart. I'm almost afraid to go further into the practice because of this thought.

Is there a hope for having both the things that I want? Is this fear unfounded? Obviously the dynamic will shift as I change, that is a given. Have you guys lost friends because of the practice? Was it worth it? Any advice or ideas? Any thoughts?
I have a close friend like that too. I also had similar concerns in the past. All I can say is that we are still close friends today. The Dhamma didn’t drive me apart from her. It did play its part in stopping me making new close friendships though.
Paññaṃ nappamajjeyya, saccamanurakkheyya, cāgamanubrūheyya, santimeva so sikkheyyā’ti
“One should not neglect wisdom, should preserve truth, cultivate relinquishment and train for peace.”

Dhātuvibhaṅga Sutta
Inedible
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by Inedible »

As Jed McKenna wrote, this is why Arjuna threw down his weapons and refused to act. Everyone can agree that getting rid of the bad is useful and good. The problem is everything must go. You can't pick which things to let go of. When people see that even the good must go it comes as a shock. But until you personally get to that point you can't move past it.
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BasementBuddhist
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by BasementBuddhist »

Thank you, to the both of you. These are both really helpful answers. Intellectually I know what will be, will of course be. We're all just human though.

Of course the one thing I won't give up is the one thing that will keep me from achieving the goal. Grrr. I guess we will see when comes the day I am standing on the edge of the existential cliff.
SteRo
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by SteRo »

BasementBuddhist wrote: Sun Jan 10, 2021 2:32 am I'm scared that as the Buddha's teaching grows in me and the defilements lesson, this friend and I will grow apart. I'm almost afraid to go further into the practice because of this thought.
Why did you get involved in buddhism in the first place? What are your conflicting goals? On the one hand this friendship and on the other hand ... what?
Exhaling अ and inhaling धीः amounts to བྷྲཱུཾ་བི་ཤྭ་བི་ཤུད་དྷེ It's definitely not science but science may provide guidelines nevertheless.
simsapa
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by simsapa »

Is there a hope for having both the things that I want?
Can you hold onto something and let go of it at the same time?
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confusedlayman
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by confusedlayman »

holding on to friend will not save u from lower realms, rebirth or give u insight... but holding to buddhism will save u.. u r just attached to idea of friends because in reality they are just elements or powders or nano element and so on... u are attached to your idea..
I may be slow learner but im at least learning...
Ionbuddy
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Re: Relationships and the things we let go of

Post by Ionbuddy »

Hm... Why not just simply practice metta and mudita towards this person?

If they leave, assuming you've been keeping your mind and actions pure, then you have nothing to feel bad about.
If you leave, assuming this person is being abusive to you in some way, then you still have nothing to feel bad about.
If you leave, assuming this person is trying to get you to do something evil... I think you get the idea.

A friendship which is built on mutual respect has nothing to fear.
I still have defilements.
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