Why some love fail?

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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Qianvvzh
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Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2021 5:52 am

Why some love fail?

Post by Qianvvzh »

Hello, I'm new in this discussion website. I'm born in strong Buddhist family. Usually I'll discuss Buddhist related matter with my mom. However as she is already passed away, I can't anymore.

This year, i lose two person I love, my mom and my grandmother. I'm grieving, but i can let them go. Now, i lose someone i love again. Someone whom i want to marry in the near future. Everything is perfect between us. It's not childish butterfly spark like when i was a teenager. It's calm and warm, just like a calm river. I've attracted emotionally to him since i was young. I date many man before him, but everytime i see him once a year, i would feel love towards him. So, after my past relationship didn't work out, i bravely approach him. I was scared he will reject me, because i know he never has any girl in his heart in this life. Turns out he accept me, love me as his first. And he plan to only loves me as his last.

We plan to marry each other in 1-2 years. We're in a healthy and loving relationship for 3 years. Friendship for more than 6 years. But then his parents suddenly reject me. Force him to break up with me, or they would disown him. Their reason is because they don't like me by looking my appearance, without even knowing me. And they don't like how we're in the same age. I'm hurt, but this time i let go once again. Maybe me & his parents have bad karma in the past life. I don't want him to lose parents, I don't want him to forget his parents. In every hurtful options, i choose to accept the reality. I won't hate his parents, I won't blame them or him. Even if it's gonna hurts me, if this can end the bad karma between me and his parents (and him too), I'm more than willing.

I know life is still long ahead. I will continue my life, have my own family. So does he. But i know I won't stop loving him. Can i at least wish that in the next life, we can be together? I won't blame or ask for why i should have this kind of hardship.
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Sabbe_Dhamma_Anatta
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Sabbe_Dhamma_Anatta »

Welcome to DWT.

It's sad to hear the story. That said, I do respect your very mature attitude on the situation, and accordingly, I believe you will keep going fine in your life whatever the external situations may be.

Regarding the title, I would say there is much difference between metta and "everyday love" which is centered around attachment even if it is between parents & children.

:anjali:
𝓑𝓾𝓭𝓭𝓱𝓪 𝓗𝓪𝓭 𝓤𝓷𝓮𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓿𝓸𝓬𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓓𝓮𝓬𝓵𝓪𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽
  • Iᴅᴇᴀ ᴏꜰ Sᴏᴜʟ ɪs Oᴜᴛᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴ Uᴛᴛᴇʀʟʏ Fᴏᴏʟɪsʜ Vɪᴇᴡ
    V. Nanananda

𝓐𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓽ā 𝓜𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓼 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓣𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓘𝓼
  • Nᴏ sᴜᴄʜ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀs ᴀ Sᴇʟғ, Sᴏᴜʟ, Eɢᴏ, Sᴘɪʀɪᴛ, ᴏʀ Āᴛᴍᴀɴ
    V. Buddhādasa
Maarten
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Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:14 pm

Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Maarten »

As stated previously, you are dealing with this really well!
It's possible for a couple to both make a determination to be reborn together, but they would both strongly want this to happen, which is not the case with you two. If you were to do it alone, perhaps you would come back as a hungry ghost? I wouldn't try it.

The love failed because that's what it does, it's normal, and everyone that loves will go through this eventually. Perhaps in your previous lives, you two were happily married and both in love, but now he has grown away from you, while your feelings are still there. This would have happened sooner or later since nothing lasts forever. That's why the Buddha isn't a big fan of romantic love.

Here is the story of Kisa Gotami, a mother who had lost her only child:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kisa_Gotami
'Suppose there were a beetle, a dung-eater, full of dung, gorged with dung, with a huge pile of dung in front of him. He, because of that, would look down on other beetles: 'Yes, sirree! I am a dung-eater, full of dung, gorged with dung, with a huge pile of dung in front of me!' - SN 17.5
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S. Johann
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by S. Johann »

Good housholder,

there is no other "love", which is not subject to fail, then the "love" toward truth, the desire toward liberation. Suffering comes from what is (made) dear. Piyajatika Sutta: From One Who Is Dear

And it could be the Love-Sutta which makes one "fall in love" toward what not subject for decay. Who ever happens to fall in love with liberation is bound not only to meet ones beloved but also to finally arrive, made ones own.

May good householder, may all, soon find firm relation, deep love and refuge into the Tripple Gems
You may make use of this account as wished for good, it's a cast off one. Password: 12345678. As the good stuff gets usually censured here, good if being quick to find ways out.
Maarten
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Maarten »

A powerful way for you to reduce the suffering you feel when you think of him and wish you could be together longer is to stop those thoughts and deliberately remember all the beautiful experiences you had with him, and then try to feel grateful for those instead. You got a beautiful gift, some people would be rejected straight away, and never get to share any love at all. So try to feel grateful for the beautiful gift you received, instead of wanting more of it.

The same you can apply to your mother and grandmother, they raised you well and taught you dhamma, you are very lucky for that already. Some people would be completely traumatized and even commit suicide after losing all these people, but you seem to be doing reasonably well, perhaps that is a gift from your mother to be grateful and happy about.
'Suppose there were a beetle, a dung-eater, full of dung, gorged with dung, with a huge pile of dung in front of him. He, because of that, would look down on other beetles: 'Yes, sirree! I am a dung-eater, full of dung, gorged with dung, with a huge pile of dung in front of me!' - SN 17.5
Bundokji
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Bundokji »

If you want to know why some love fail, try to contemplate what sustains it. For example, your feelings towards him are sustained by not encountering a more appealing alternative:
"Lord, as I was leaving home, a Sakyan girl — the envy of the countryside — glanced up at me, with her hair half-combed, and said, 'Hurry back, master.' Recollecting that, I don't enjoy leading the holy life. I can't keep up the holy life. Giving up the training, I will return to the common life."

Then, taking Ven. Nanda by the arm — as a strong man might flex his extended arm or extend his flexed arm — the Blessed One disappeared from Jeta's Grove and reappeared among the devas of the heaven of the Thirty-three [Tāvatiṃsa]. Now on that occasion about 500 dove-footed nymphs had come to wait upon Sakka, the ruler of the devas. The Blessed One said to Ven. Nanda, "Nanda, do you see these 500 dove-footed nymphs?"

"Yes, lord."

"What do you think, Nanda? Which is lovelier, better looking, more charming: the Sakyan girl, the envy of the countryside, or these 500 dove-footed nymphs?"

"Lord, compared to these 500 dove-footed nymphs, the Sakyan girl, the envy of the countryside, is like a cauterized monkey with its ears & nose cut off. She doesn't count. She's not even a small fraction. There's no comparison. The 500 dove-footed nymphs are lovelier, better looking, more charming."
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

Such is the nature of conditioned phenomena.
And the Blessed One addressed the bhikkhus, saying: "Behold now, bhikkhus, I exhort you: All compounded things are subject to vanish. Strive with earnestness!"

This was the last word of the Tathagata.
Qianvvzh
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Qianvvzh »

Thank you for all of your kind respond to this.
I'm glad to know at least i choose something right.

His parents would disown him if he want to discuss about our relationship further. His dad almost got sick because of his unbearable anger when he still want to ask for his dad permission once more.
I wouldn't want him to lose both his parents, or him being ungrateful and rebellious child. He is also a Buddhist, he knows it's not right for him to do his parents like that, even though he knows the reason his parents reject me is not right. If it's only his parents would stop giving him support, he still can do that. But if he will lose his parents, he can't.

I've ask him, if in the next life we can be together, is he willing to wait, to keep love me until the end. Because if he will, i promise even though i will have a family with another man, at the end of my life, I'll still wish for him in my next life. He answered yes, if possible he want to be my life partner in our next life. If not, being my close family to me is also fine, as long as he can remain close with me. I trust him, but there's some doubt if things will happen jn that way.

Thank you again for even listening to somewhat childish and naive story.
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dicsoncandra
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by dicsoncandra »

Hi, I know that you'll need to have your time but I'd like to offer a little perspective granted that I had gone through something similar.

I would just like to say that he too is responsible for the choices that he make. I know that some parents can be unreasonable and controlling, and it is within his accountability to make himself heard, speak up and make clear of his boundaries. I for one was in his position two years ago and got myself verbally and emotionally harassed (read: abused) by my parents then as I chose to hold my ground. Fortunately, my parents' relationship with me got better with time (only after more than a year) because perhaps they realise which is of higher importance: their pride (and ignorance) or their son (with his inner compass of what is right and wrong).

I don't ever know if I will end up with my current partner happily ever after, but that is a separate matter and I know for sure that I did the right thing for standing up against wrongdoing in whatever form it may come. Parents are not owners of their children and children have no obligation to be obedient to live lives in the parents' image.

Your partner is accountable for where your relationship end up and if he isn't with you today, then he isn't the one. I hope you don't ever go into another relationship with the current attitude because it would be a huge disservice to the other person and the relationship, which is also brings a huge deal of suffering.

I hope you recover well and I wish you all the best

Metta
arising is manifest;
ceasing is manifest;
change-while-standing is manifest.

Link to website: http://dicsonstable.blog/
Ontheway
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Ontheway »

Because if he will, i promise even though i will have a family with another man, at the end of my life, I'll still wish for him in my next life.
Whoever married this lady, that guy is so bad luck that his wife is cheating on him in mind.
Hiriottappasampannā,
sukkadhammasamāhitā;
Santo sappurisā loke,
devadhammāti vuccare.

https://suttacentral.net/ja6/en/chalmer ... ight=false
Smakoros
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Smakoros »

It's hard to explain it unequivocally. That's life.
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confusedlayman
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by confusedlayman »

If u are cheating in ur present husband then that itself is bad karma for future relationship.

Thinking about loving in next life is bad idea as he can be any species and u can be anything.

If u feel love then that feeling itself comes and goes.
I may be slow learner but im at least learning...
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cappuccino
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by cappuccino »

Qianvvzh wrote: Wed Dec 22, 2021 6:21 am I won’t blame or ask for why I should have this kind of hardship.
Lose love, seek Nirvāṇa
jc1990
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by jc1990 »

love fails because both don't keep sila 5.

and not kill is also not eat.
TryingToMeditate
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by TryingToMeditate »

I'm jc1990 above, please ignore my post above, I think it was silly.
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Gwi II
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Re: Why some love fail?

Post by Gwi II »

To get married only need a gurl guardian (ur father).
But, this is for your time to love urself before others.

We can love anyone, who you're love;
But dunt love others more than urself.

Before u love someone, you must love urself than others.
Then parents or guardian, family (wife/husband, children,
etc.) Later on friend or best friend and teacher.



Love's Levels:
1. Ourself (in this world ourself only 1),
2. Parents (we are born from 1 father n 1 mom),
3. Family (in a family there r a father, mother, and children),
4. Friends*
5. Teacher (complement, without teachers, what can we be?)


* Four good-hearted friends:
1. The helper,
2. The friend in good times and bad,
3. The counselor, and
4. The one who’s compassionate. (The Buddho).
Gwi: "There are only-two Sakaṽādins:
Theraṽādå&Ṽibhajjaṽādå, the rest are
nonsakaṽādins!"
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