Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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Lugia
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Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2020 4:46 am

Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by Lugia »

First of all, I'm not objectifying anyone. But here is the story. I study abroad and my roommate and I are from the same country. He is kinda womanizer guy always talk about that girl this girl etc and always shows me a girl's fb to get my validation how do you find her etc?
I, on the other hand, also single but not a womanizer, and if I have a crush on a girl, I dont seek any other girls.
Thing is I accidentally saw one girl's picture from one group photo of my friend in my country and I asked her name and became fb friends. But I didnt write to anything exception of she likes me pic and Im hers. Anyway one time I just told my roommate that this is the girl Im striving to look once I back to my country. But as soon as he saw her name he later became a fb friend and sent pm to her. He left to my country one semester before me and I heard that now they're meeting sometimes.
I feel betrayed and some people say since she was not my girlfriend, just leave it be.
Yes I understand, but still what my roommate did is unwholesome action, right?
Sorry for writing a seemingly creepy stuff.
SarathW
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Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 2:49 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by SarathW »

This is a very common occurrence and I have seen it happening before.
The way I see it your friend seems to have a strong lust (Kama Chanda) for this female and it is unwholesome according to Buddhism.
It appears there is some competition here and it is always unwholesome as there is anger (Byapada) involve in it.

So do not worry about this too much instead try to understand the nature of your mind.
Do you have anger towards your friend and this particular female?
Then you have an unwholesome mental state which is more dangerous and damaging to you than the mental state of your friend.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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nothingworthgrasping
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Joined: Fri Nov 15, 2019 10:05 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by nothingworthgrasping »

Lugia wrote: Fri Aug 19, 2022 11:14 pm
Yes I understand, but still what my roommate did is unwholesome action, right?
Easily seen are others’ faults, hard indeed to see are one’s own.

He who sees others’ faults, and is ever irritable —
the defilements of such a one multiply.
He is far from the destruction of defilements.

- KN Dhp 252 & 253 ( http://www.aimwell.org/18-mala.html )


.

Let the intelligent person live a celibate life,
as one would avoid a pit of glowing coals;
but being unable to live the celibate life,
go not beyond the bounds with others’ wives.

- KN Snp 2.14 ( https://suttacentral.net/en/snp2.14 )
dharmacorps
Posts: 1979
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Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by dharmacorps »

This sounds like a kind of trifling problem of a very young person. When you get older, you will understand how silly this all is. It doesn't matter at all. In 20 years you won't even remember this stuff.
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JamesTheGiant
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Location: New Zealand

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by JamesTheGiant »

Do you see how your attachment caused you suffering? This is a teaching of the Buddha.
This attachment-loss thing will happen again and again in life.
Sorry buddy.
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Ceisiwr
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Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2009 2:36 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by Ceisiwr »

dharmacorps wrote: Sat Aug 20, 2022 8:17 pm This sounds like a kind of trifling problem of a very young person. When you get older, you will understand how silly this all is. It doesn't matter at all. In 20 years you won't even remember this stuff.
Yes, but it’s very real to him right now.
“In faith, recollect the immeasurable Buddha!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy.

In faith, recollect the immeasurable Dhamma!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy.

In faith, recollect the immeasurable Saṅgha!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy”


Tekicchakārittheragāthā 6.2
SarathW
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Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 2:49 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by SarathW »

Ceisiwr wrote: Sun Aug 21, 2022 12:46 am
dharmacorps wrote: Sat Aug 20, 2022 8:17 pm This sounds like a kind of trifling problem of a very young person. When you get older, you will understand how silly this all is. It doesn't matter at all. In 20 years you won't even remember this stuff.
Yes, but it’s very real to him right now.
Agree but he must be able to see the suffering of his attachment.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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Ceisiwr
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Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2009 2:36 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by Ceisiwr »

Lugia wrote: Fri Aug 19, 2022 11:14 pm First of all, I'm not objectifying anyone. But here is the story. I study abroad and my roommate and I are from the same country. He is kinda womanizer guy always talk about that girl this girl etc and always shows me a girl's fb to get my validation how do you find her etc?
I, on the other hand, also single but not a womanizer, and if I have a crush on a girl, I dont seek any other girls.
Thing is I accidentally saw one girl's picture from one group photo of my friend in my country and I asked her name and became fb friends. But I didnt write to anything exception of she likes me pic and Im hers. Anyway one time I just told my roommate that this is the girl Im striving to look once I back to my country. But as soon as he saw her name he later became a fb friend and sent pm to her. He left to my country one semester before me and I heard that now they're meeting sometimes.
I feel betrayed and some people say since she was not my girlfriend, just leave it be.
Yes I understand, but still what my roommate did is unwholesome action, right?
Sorry for writing a seemingly creepy stuff.
It is sexual rivalry between two men for the same woman, but it sounds like a dick move. A Buddhist response however would be one of good will, sympathetic joy for any virtuous aspects he has, compassion for any unwholesome kamma he has generated and equanimity towards the mental pain said situation has caused.
“In faith, recollect the immeasurable Buddha!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy.

In faith, recollect the immeasurable Dhamma!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy.

In faith, recollect the immeasurable Saṅgha!
Your body soaked with rapture; you’ll always be full of joy”


Tekicchakārittheragāthā 6.2
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Aloka
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Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:51 pm

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by Aloka »

..... but still what my roommate did is unwholesome action, right?
Look around you, read the news, there are far worse things happening on Planet Earth other than social media pick-ups between people on FB right now! Maybe just be grateful that you and your roommate are healthy and have somewhere to live!


Stay safe & well :anjali:
SarathW
Posts: 18509
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 2:49 am

Re: Is stealing a friend's crush intentionally unwholesome?

Post by SarathW »

Aloka wrote: Tue Aug 23, 2022 8:15 am
..... but still what my roommate did is unwholesome action, right?
Look around you, read the news, there are far worse things happening on Planet Earth other than social media pick-ups between people on FB right now! Maybe just be grateful that you and your roommate are healthy and have somewhere to live!


Stay safe & well :anjali:
We always worried about what we don't have, not what we have, unfortunately.
What we have become just normal very quickly.
:shrug:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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