Violence, Aversion and Metta

[alcatrazstate]

Hi all,

I've been paying a lot of attention to aversion lately and have also been trying metta meditation in short burts to deal with aversion. To put it plainly, my aversion/ill-will comes on strong and I have thoughts of destruction and violence that are nothing short of terrifying to me. I've avoided these thoughts and thus avoided my aversion, but now that I'm developing courage and perseverance, I've born witness to the ill-will quite a lot. I'm curious what other experiences with ill-will and thoughts/images of violence there may be to guide me in this? I have strong fear( more aversion) that if my aversion goes unchecked that I will behave violently to my pets or my wife. I've been trying to hook into this fear and think that it may be where a lot of the clinging is happening. I don't really know what else to divulge, but I'm wondering if anyone has recommendations for resources or any input about my practice and the situation?

Thank you,
Alca

[cappuccino]

would you harm yourself?


harming anyone will do more harm to yourself

[alcatrazstate]

Thanks for the response. I don't know how to answer exactly because I wouldn't intend harm upon myself but I wouldn't intend harm on them either, even though my mind is clearly generating/festering on some ill-will.

[Sam Vara]

Hi all,

I've been paying a lot of attention to aversion lately and have also been trying metta meditation in short burts to deal with aversion. To put it plainly, my aversion/ill-will comes on strong and I have thoughts of destruction and violence that are nothing short of terrifying to me. I've avoided these thoughts and thus avoided my aversion, but now that I'm developing courage and perseverance, I've born witness to the ill-will quite a lot. I'm curious what other experiences with ill-will and thoughts/images of violence there may be to guide me in this? I have strong fear( more aversion) that if my aversion goes unchecked that I will behave violently to my pets or my wife. I've been trying to hook into this fear and think that it may be where a lot of the clinging is happening. I don't really know what else to divulge, but I'm wondering if anyone has recommendations for resources or any input about my practice and the situation?

Thank you,
Alca

Hi Alca,

Unless you have an actual history of behaving violently, there is a positive aspect to your position. If you are terrified of actually harming your wife or pets, then you have some degree of mindfulness, and can reflect upon your condition. There are many people who would act out the violence, and think nothing of it, or else rationalise it as someone else's fault for provoking them. And now you have courage and perseverance developing, which is another excellent sign. Don't think this is something trivial - it really isn't!

Remember that anger and aversion are "natural" responses, both in the sense that millions of people are in a similar place, and also that we are descended from creatures who survived precisely because they had that anger and aversion.

Are you familiar with MN 20? https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

It's really useful to bear all these five possibilities in the sutta in mind. They directly address the problem you are talking about, and if you are familiar with them (read it several times; write the techniques down; imagine yourself using them in advance, while your mind is calm) then you can quickly deploy them when things get tough.

You might also want to see if there is any obvious trigger for the aversion, and then do what you can to simply avoid situations where it is likely to happen. If it's your wife or other people, it might be possible to discuss your particular needs relating to this. (But be careful - that could be a tricky conversation.

And, of course, continue with the metta bhavana. And contemplating gratitude is very useful.

Either way, I wish you all the best.

[Bfearing25]

Hi all,

I've been paying a lot of attention to aversion lately and have also been trying metta meditation in short burts to deal with aversion. To put it plainly, my aversion/ill-will comes on strong and I have thoughts of destruction and violence that are nothing short of terrifying to me. I've avoided these thoughts and thus avoided my aversion, but now that I'm developing courage and perseverance, I've born witness to the ill-will quite a lot. I'm curious what other experiences with ill-will and thoughts/images of violence there may be to guide me in this? I have strong fear( more aversion) that if my aversion goes unchecked that I will behave violently to my pets or my wife. I've been trying to hook into this fear and think that it may be where a lot of the clinging is happening. I don't really know what else to divulge, but I'm wondering if anyone has recommendations for resources or any input about my practice and the situation?

Thank you,
Alca

You being aware of this is the most important part. Be mindful and watch it. Notice triggers. Write it down.
It also may be useful to look into therapy that may help you work through this in a healthy and safe atmosphere.
Keep up the good work, friend, and don't forget to have compassion for yourself as you would for anyone else.
Metta

[User13866]

You should spend a lot of time contemplating the consequences of violence. Would it be to your benefit or to the benefit of others, you can try to clearly envision the bad outcome of such behavior.

"Whenever you want to perform a bodily act, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily act I want to perform — would it lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Is it an unskillful bodily act, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it would lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it would be an unskillful bodily act with painful consequences, painful results, then any bodily act of that sort is absolutely unfit for you to do. But if on reflection you know that it would not cause affliction... it would be a skillful bodily action with happy consequences, happy results, then any bodily act of that sort is fit for you to do.

"While you are performing a bodily act, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily act I am doing — is it leading to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Is it an unskillful bodily act, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it is leading to self-affliction, to affliction of others, or both... you should give it up. But if on reflection you know that it is not... you may continue with it.

"Having performed a bodily act, you should reflect on it... If, on reflection, you know that it led to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it was an unskillful bodily act with painful consequences, painful results, then you should confess it, reveal it, lay it open to the Teacher or to a knowledgeable companion in the holy life. Having confessed it... you should exercise restraint in the future. But if on reflection you know that it did not lead to affliction... it was a skillful bodily action with happy consequences, happy results, then you should stay mentally refreshed and joyful, training day and night in skillful mental qualities.

...[similarly for verbal and mental acts]...

"Therefore, Rahula, you should train yourself: 'I will purify my bodily acts through repeated reflection. I will purify my verbal acts through repeated reflection. I will purify my mental acts through repeated reflection.' That is how you should train yourself."

— MN 61

Use this

“Mendicants, there are these four fears. What four? The fears of guilt, shame, punishment, and going to a bad place.

And what, mendicants, is the fear of guilt? It’s when someone reflects: ‘If I were to do bad things by way of body, speech, and mind, wouldn’t I blame myself for my conduct?’ Being afraid of guilt, they give up bad conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, and develop good conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, keeping themselves pure. This is called the fear of guilt.

And what, mendicants, is the fear of shame? It’s when someone reflects: ‘If I were to do bad things by way of body, speech, and mind, wouldn’t others blame me for my conduct?’ Being afraid of shame, they give up bad conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, and develop good conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, keeping themselves pure. This is called the fear of shame.

And what, mendicants, is the fear of punishment? It’s when someone sees that the kings have arrested a bandit, a criminal, and subjected them to various punishments—whipping, caning, and clubbing; cutting off hands or feet, or both; cutting off ears or nose, or both; the ‘porridge pot’, the ‘shell-shave’, the ‘demon’s mouth’, the ‘garland of fire’, the ‘burning hand’, the ‘grass blades’, the ‘bark dress’, the ‘antelope’, the ‘meat hook’, the ‘coins’, the ‘caustic pickle’, the ‘twisting bar’, the ‘straw mat’; being splashed with hot oil, being fed to the dogs, being impaled alive, and being beheaded.

They think: ‘If I were to do the same kind of bad deed, the kings would punish me in the same way.’ … Being afraid of punishment, they don’t steal the belongings of others. They give up bad conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, and develop good conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, keeping themselves pure. This is called the fear of punishment.

And what, mendicants, is the fear of rebirth in a bad place? It’s when someone reflects: ‘Bad conduct of body, speech, or mind has a bad result in the next life. If I were to do such bad things, when my body breaks up, after death, I’d be reborn in a place of loss, a bad place, the underworld, hell.’ Being afraid of rebirth in a bad place, they give up bad conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, and develop good conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, keeping themselves pure. This is called the fear of rebirth in a bad place.

These are the four fears.”

Furthermore you should contemplate how to skillfully deal with your circumstances. How can you train for calm?

If people are difficult to deal with then perhaps it's time to bail...

[alcatrazstate]

I have to say to you all that I'm very grateful for your thoughtful responses. I have a lot of avenues to enrich my practice now and I hope to fulfill that potential. Thank you again!