My Translation - Feedback

Explore the ancient language of the Tipitaka and Theravāda commentaries
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Ceisiwr
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My Translation - Feedback

Post by Ceisiwr »

I've had a go at translating the following stanzas. Mostly it's quite an easy one, but I was struggling how to properly translate one of the lines. I've highlighted it below. Any feedback would be appreciated.
“Akkheyyasaññino sattā,
akkheyyasmiṁ patiṭṭhitā;
Akkheyyaṁ apariññāya,
yogamāyanti maccuno.

Akkheyyañca pariññāya,
akkhātāraṁ na maññati;
Phuṭṭho vimokkho manasā,
santipadamanuttaraṁ.

Sa ve akkheyyasampanno,
santo santipade rato;
Saṅkhāya sevī dhammaṭṭho,
saṅkhyaṁ nopeti vedagū”ti.

“Beings aware of the nameable
Established in the nameable;
Not fully comprehending the nameable,
They come under the yoke of Death.

But whoever fully comprehends the nameable,
Not imagining one who names;
Reaches liberation through mind,
The unsurpassed state of peace.

One truly accomplished in the nameable
Calmed, delighted with that state of peace;
Making use of comprehending, firm in Dhamma,
One of perfect understanding cannot be defined.
"Making use of comprehending" is a bit awkward to read IMO. Any advice on how to improve it?
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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cappuccino
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Re: My Translation - Feedback

Post by cappuccino »

Making use of mastery
ssasny
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Re: My Translation - Feedback

Post by ssasny »

Since, I believe 'saṅkhāya' is the absolutive (gerund) of sankhāyati, 'having considered, having reflected', you may want to incorporate this into your translation.
Ven. Sujato has, 'making use after reflection'. Literally something like, 'having reflected/ practicing'.

Since saṅkhāya and saṅkhyaṃ are related, it would be nice to find an English word that reflected both.

Also, the line, 'akkhātāraṃ na maññati' seems hard to translate.
I see Ven. Sujato has "they don’t identify as a communicator", while Ireland has "One does not misconceive the speaker."
Does the commentary have anything on this?

Update:
I found the relevant Udāna commentary with what I think is Ven. Bodhi's translation:

Akkhātāraṃ na maññatīti sabbaso maññanānaṃ pahīnattā khīṇāsavo akkhātāraṃ na maññati, kārakādisabhāvaṃ kiñci attānaṃ na paccetīti attho.
One does not conceive one who expresses
: through the complete abandonment of conceivings, the arahant (one with taints destroyed) does not conceive “one who expresses.” The meaning is: he does not fall back upon any self having the nature of an agent, and so forth.

also

Saṅkhāya sevīti paññāvepullappattiyā cīvarādipaccaye saṅkhāya parituletvāva sevanasīlo, saṅkhātadhammattā ca āpāthagataṃ sabbampi visayaṃ chaḷaṅgupekkhāvasena saṅkhāya sevanasīlo.
One who uses with reflection: because of his abundance of wisdom, he habitually uses the requisites such as robes, etc., having reflected on them, having contemplated them. And because he has comprehended the Dhamma, he habitually uses (experiences)all objects that come into range [of the senses] by way of the six-factored equanimity.
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