Dealing with difficult parent.

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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jwstone
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Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by jwstone »

Since my mother passed away, my spouse and I are primary caregivers for my stepfather. He only has one leg and also had a stroke which left one side weakened. He needs constant help. Sometimes he is very grumpy and lashes out at us. It makes me feel awful. His family rarely visits. No, a nursing home is NOT an option. They are terrible in this area. They almost killed my mother because they didn't care for her properly. It seems no matter what we do it's either not good enough or to his standards.
SarathW
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by SarathW »

This is a very difficult situation.
You do your best and ignore him.
Can you get something for him to keep him busy? (social media, hobby etc.)
Old people are like kids.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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jwstone
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by jwstone »

He does do social media, has a laptop and has a TV, but doesn't seem to matter.
SarathW
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by SarathW »

"If a tamable person doesn't submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild & harsh training, then I kill him, Kesi."

"But it's not proper for our Blessed One to take life! And yet the Blessed One just said, 'I kill him, Kesi.'"

"It is true, Kesi, that it's not proper for a Tathagata to take life. But if a tamable person doesn't submit either to a mild training or to a harsh training or to a mild & harsh training, then the Tathagata doesn't regard him as being worth speaking to or admonishing. His knowledgeable fellows in the holy life don't regard him as being worth speaking to or admonishing. This is what it means to be totally destroyed in the Doctrine & Discipline, when the Tathagata doesn't regard one as being worth speaking to or admonishing, and one's knowledgeable fellows in the holy life don't regard one as being worth speaking to or admonishing."
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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jwstone
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by jwstone »

Seems a little harsh? Lol Maybe out of context?
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Dan74
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by Dan74 »

Perhaps it would help to see his behaviour as being about his own sadness and inability to cope than about you?
_/|\_
SarathW
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by SarathW »

Dan74 wrote: Wed May 31, 2023 8:16 am Perhaps it would help to see his behaviour as being about his own sadness and inability to cope than about you?
Perhaps he has to get some professional assistance from a psychologist.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
santa100
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by santa100 »

jwstone wrote: Wed May 31, 2023 3:47 am Since my mother passed away, my spouse and I are primary caregivers for my stepfather. He only has one leg and also had a stroke which left one side weakened. He needs constant help. Sometimes he is very grumpy and lashes out at us. It makes me feel awful. His family rarely visits. No, a nursing home is NOT an option. They are terrible in this area. They almost killed my mother because they didn't care for her properly. It seems no matter what we do it's either not good enough or to his standards.
If you live in the States or the west, there're programs to send home health aides to help taking care of your stepfather for at least a few hours during the day. Should also check for programs for physical therapists to help him recover from his partial paralysis. Since he loss a leg, he's qualified for various disability assistance programs, just make sure to check the particular state policy in addition to the federal one. It'll be challenging, but there're resources that can help lighten up the load a little bit. Good luck.
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jwstone
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by jwstone »

Nope. We've tried that. They stay like a week and give up. Lost count on how many aides we have had.
It's just me and my husband taking care of him.
dharmacorps
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by dharmacorps »

Have you tried discussing this with him? Expressed how his attitude makes it more difficult to help him? If he has had a stroke, he may have dementia or cognitive issues which limit his ability to receive help in a dignified way.

Although you are being cautious about the nursing homes, it may be worth reviewing how ruling out that option entirely could be creating a situation where you are doing more harm than good--Unless you are medical professionals or trained caregivers, this may be more than you are capable of doing and certainly more than should be asked of you. It is an incredibly frustrating and challenging situation.

I have much experience in this area personally and professionally and it is an unenviable situation to be sure. I believe that you probably have more options than you are considering with facilities.
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jwstone
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Re: Dealing with difficult parent.

Post by jwstone »

The problem is, I know if he goes to a nursing home, that's probably it for him. He will give up. The care won't be any better or worse either I'm sure. I've heard many bad stories and see firsthand how things go in nursing homes in this area. My mom went significantly downhill when she was there for rehab. She went to the hospital from there and never came home.
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