Feel like I'm brainwashed myself (questioning my parents ethics and my idology)

[absolute]

Hello everyone. My general background is my country is supposedly a Buddhist country, but people here don't know the teachings that much and they only pray to the Mayahana Buddhist deities as gods or something. My parents are from the socialist era (we are not from China or south east asian country). So they are basically raised as atheists. Anyway, I was hooked up with Buddhism by myself when I was 11 years old by reading Buddhist books and stuff. I used to be a really religious kid and later became a science nerd, and I think I basically raised myself as a Buddhist. Now, I'm already a grown-up man and still single (even a virgin). In the future, I hope to find a good woman as a wife.
My parents had a small family business that they worked together until my father passed away about 9 years ago. After my father's passing away it was difficult for me and my mother, but we went through it together. My sister was relatively okay because she was already married. 3 years ago, I went abroad to study, graduated this year, and finally came back to my country a month ago.
My mother is now working at some office job.
During my study abroad experience, I realized how reality works like how people cheat or how all these alpha/redpill stuff work, etc. So, I'm kinda disappointed in reality because I think my worldview through the Buddhist lens and kinda nerdy not social behavior as a kid shielded me from the dismoral affairs of the world. But at least, I believed that based on my observation, my parents have been in good moral and ethical conducts as my role models.
But recently, my sister said some strange rumors and suspicions about our parents. Basically, my mother told my sister that she heard from someone (whom I think is not a reliable person and could be lying) that my father was a womanizer and sometimes he was with some women while my mother was away from the family business office. My sister said what she heard from my mother and also my sister thinks my mother is having some affair with her boss who is her childhood acquaintance, and she could be hiding this from us, but it has not been proven and purely based on my sister's observation, but after what my sister said to me, i think it might be true.
In my opinion, I cannot accept the rumour about my father because all I know is he was a caring man to his family. It seems more like my mother is making an excuse to get away with her affair or at least affection to her boss friend. But even then, I also cannot accept this thing about my mother because all I know is she is genuine and ethical person like me.
But deep down and based on my realization, all of these rumours about the both of parents could be true and since they are still ordinary people, they could be subject to these amoral wordly affairs.
All my life I have never lied and haven't hid anything from my parents, and I think I'm a genuine person.
But if the things about my parents are true, it seems I just brainwashed myself with a fake ideal worldview and idology. I feel like I'm a loser because if I can't even trust my parents as moral and ethical people, whom can I trust or take inspiration from this world? All my worldview and small glittering trust of this world has been shattered. I feel like I've waisted my youth by being single and virgin myself. Brainwashed myself means everyone is fake, and there is no morality and ethics in the world, and at one point everyone cheats. So, there is no point in trusting anyone. If I cant trust my parents, then how can I have a wife in future, how can I trust her, etc?

Disclaimer (It is okay if my mother don't hide anyhing and genuinely tell us about her affair, then I would accept. What I don't like is she could be hiding somehing.)

[santa100]

All my life I have never lied and haven't hid anything from my parents, and I think I'm a genuine person.
But if the things about my parents are true, it seems I just brainwashed myself with a fake ideal worldview and idology. I feel like I'm a loser because if I can't even trust my parents as moral and ethical people, whom can I trust or take inspiration from this world? All my worldview and small glittering trust of this world has been shattered. I feel like I've waisted my youth by being single and virgin myself. Brainwashed myself means everyone is fake, and there is no morality and ethics in the world, and at one point everyone cheats. So, there is no point in trusting anyone. If I cant trust my parents, then how can I have a wife in future, how can I trust her, etc?

Disclaimer (It is okay if my mother don't hide anyhing and genuinely tell us about her affair, then I would accept. What I don't like is she could be hiding somehing.)

Maybe the reason your mom (if she did in fact committed adultery) has been hiding the truth was exactly due to her concern about a complete total shattering of your trust/inspiration as you'd mentioned above! Bottom line is, your parents tried their best to be good parents who took good care of you (nurtured you, raised you from birth to adulthood, provided financial means for you to go study abroad, etc...) while still being unenlightened and fallable human beings. So it'd be quite a bit ungrateful on your side to all of a sudden forget all those great things your parents had done for you just because you've found out that they were not as moral and ethical as you wanted them to be. And it is exactly because we're all fallable human beings, you should trust or take inspiration from the Buddha, His Teaching, and His noble Sangha. Always strive to become a better person. And I'm sure if you are able to become an even more ethical and virtuous person than your parents, then they themselves will be the most proud and happy parents in the world! Lastly, please read carefully the below sutta, which points out how one can really truly repay their parents:

"I tell you, monks, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there [on your shoulders], you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world. But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father."

[Ceisiwr]

…

Apart from Arahants everyone will be flawed to some degree. If your parents did have affairs that is of course not good, but people are flawed. It’s best to remember the 4 Brahmaviharas in times like these. You also haven’t wasted your time. You’ve just had some illusions shattered. People do cheat, steal and lie as well as worse things. There are good people in the world though, people you can trust. If you want someone who you can absolutely trust, that would be the Buddha whom we know today via his teachings.

[Nicholas Weeks]

absolute: "But if the things about my parents are true."

First step is not to rely on gossip. Ask your mother & father if they have had any affairs.

There is only good that will come of your own ethical "brainwashing". Keep living a meritorious life, no matter what others (parents included) do or say.

[Gwi II]

You have to take care of your family's disgrace.

Immoral acts are a stain on women
... [Dhammapada 242].

Women really like intimate relationships.
Women are not satisfied in three ways:
(1) s*xual relations, (2) childbirth, and
(3) jewelry. [Sattubhasta-Jātakaṭṭhakathā].


Women die in dissatisfaction and displeasure in
2 ways: (1) s*xual intercourse and (2) childbearing.
[AN volume I].



These are common characteristics of women,
wise men should not be angry with them.
Therefore, women must maintain their
self-esteem as high as possible. Do not
violate the third principle, whatever the
reason, such as s*xual relations outside
of marriage, prostitution, and so on.

Forgive your mother's attitude, if it's difficult,
take it slow. We all have different problems.
I have loyal, very happy parents. You have
such parents, don't compare with others,
we each bring our own good/bad kamma.


Regarding business, I also thought so,
(from childhood until now), "Business is
full of greedy people!" That's why I always
wanted to be a "boss", a business owner
so I could set the rules, avoid cheating,
fake receipts, counterfeit goods, cheating,
and so on. Many buyers are also greedy;
workers like to take money; the partner
wants to share a lot (more if possible),
and so on.


Damaged precepts must be repaired immediately.
If you can make your mother (parent) be a good
person, from bad or having bad behavior (their
morals are broken), YOU WILL BE ABLE TO REPAY
FOR ALL OF YOUR PARENTS' SERVICES. Think about
this, make it a goal. It may be difficult for you to advise
your mother, but think about this great blessing. The
majority of people cannot repay ALL of their parents'
services.

I have also been preparing for a long time
how my parents can penetrate magga-phala;
I have prepared MN 141 (memorized it well),
and other sermons. Waiting for a good moment.

You also have to fast frequently,
Don't be satisfied with just keeping
the five precepts, meditating regularly,
and so on. This is to form a better life,
in the future life. It's difficult indeed,
when you receive the consequences
of bad kamma. So, hopefully this "little"
help will help ease your "mind".


Sabba-sattā bhavantu sukhitattā

[Pondera]

I grew up in a similar way. I was raised Christian and indoctrinated in the moral teachings of that faith. I clinged to academics and stayed a virgin into University.

Now about your Dad … here’s the thing. He’s probably really comfortable with his body and (when this womanizing is alleged to have occurred) would have likely rejected the authority of religious moral teachings in favour of his own better judgment.

If I could give my self advice back when I was a youth … oh my. What would I say.

I would tel myself that all religious morality arises from wrong attention to the “wiener” (a “wiener” is a penis). Now, when men have not properly addressed the question of what their wiener is and what attitude do they need to approach in question to the wiener, they fall into moral dogmatism.

Think about it? Your wiener exists for the soul purpose of having sex with women (men, if you’re of that pursuasion). Whatever … now, we are all driven by this urge. And we all suppress it in our daily life. And this gives rise to frustration and hatred. For those men who adopt a moral stance dictated by an unhealthy attitude towards their wieners will inevitably hate the men who live freely.

So, the answer is to accept the role and nature of your wiener. Become comfortable with it. See that by acknowledging the constant need to mate, you can get a handle on religious moral dogma, and you can become more human. For the desire to mate everything that walks is a very human thing.

And then address your tongue. For above the need to mate constantly is the need to eat - to find food and to compete with other men over the search for food.

And those are the two downfalls of men. They hate and fight for want of mating rites. And they hate and fight for want of food and territory.

Forgive your dad and forgive your mom. They are human. Acknowledge, at least, that they aren’t slaves to moral dogma.

But know this too - at your young age it is hard to come to terms with the sense faculties (with the wiener and the tongue). At your age you are hard wired to mate and find food (although the way we do it in this day and age can take very convoluted paths).

[pops]

there is no morality and ethics in the world, and at one point everyone cheats. So, there is no point in trusting anyone. If I cant trust my parents, then how can I have a wife in future, how can I trust her, etc?

maybe you want to start trusting yourself

[SarathW]

Keep Buddha as your teacher.
Everyone else living could disappoint you.

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[absolute]

Sprry for wasting your time. Please delete this post

[Rambutan]

Hello everyone.

You can’t expect or make people be a certain way. People make mistakes, people lie, people do all kinds of things, both good and bad. Why?

Everybody has the same basic reason for what we do, good or bad. All beings are constantly striving to escape dukkha.

What is dukkha? Dukkha is suffering, dissatisfaction, unhappiness …basically anything that you want to get away from or avoid. Sickness is dukkha. When your pencil breaks is dukkha. Wiggling around on your meditation cushion is dukkha.

Everything we do in samsara is to escape dukkha.
This is summed up in the Buddha’s first noble truth that existence is suffering. It doesn’t mean we are in constant agony. If means everything we do is a futile attempt to avoid dukkha. Even wanting your parents to be a certain way that pleases you is dukkha.

You can see from this that you and your parents are not so different after all. The reason you suffer from their behavior is because you had certain expectations that they did not meet. The reason why you are upset by this is due to your own self-grasping. I suffer from this too. Everybody does. We expect ‘reality’ to conform to our imagination and then we experience shock when it doesn’t.
How foolish is that?

That’s why we practice dhamma, to get over this need to run away from things we don’t like, and to stop grasping at figments of our imaginations.
Then you have peace.

Your post was not a waste of time. It shows your version of everybody’s situation.