Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
AshleyLake
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Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by AshleyLake »

Hi all,
First post here
I will try cut a long story short. I have two children (12 and 15) girls from a previous relationship that I have shared care with.
My wife and I have two girls 6 and 9 year old.
When I Met my wife, she was loving and kind to my two older girls.
After the birth of our first daughter however the cracks started to appear, jealousy and blame of my two girls, this got worse and worse as our second daughter was born.
My wife has no interest in Buddhist practice, claims to be a Christian, but does not act out of forgiveness and kindness.

He passive aggressive anger is mostly targeted at my oldest daughter and me. Silence treatment, gas lighting etc....
She was so nasty to my eldest daughter that she ended up moving out and going to live with her mother .

For the last few months now I managed to convince her to do counselling with her priest from her church as our relationship was rock bottom and I was in so much emotional pain.

Things improved, however when it came to discussing forgiveness, my wife said "no second chances" and has left counselling. left her church (yelled at the priest). Without going into details I feel no compassion, caring or empathy from her most of the time.

This happened about 3 weeks ago, I had had some hope that we might actually have a happy family, as things had improved in our relationship with help from the priest, however the elephant in the room (my daughter) was not really discussed until the no forgiveness episode. (I don't really know what my daughter has to be forgiven for).

I now realize that my wish for my wife to be kind and loving towards me and my daughter is a pipe dream. I became quite depressed and anxious.
I have decided to not leave her, because of our two younger daughters I want to stay for them, to be with them. So I will stay.

My question for the group is....How can I be loving and kind to my wife who will never be loving and kind to my daughter, who has ensured that she will never live with me again and who can be so mean and uncaring to me (again no details but quite emotionally abusive). I know it is craving, (a happy family) it is anger and non forgiveness for her that is not at all wise, wholesome or helpful. The only was I can stay in this situation I think is with compassion and love, but I am struggling with this. I feel like I am betraying my daughter if I forgive my wife. I also fear that if I get close to her again she will hurt me again.
I have chosen to stay, I think I have to let go of how I think things should be and just be with how things are from moment to moment, but it is so hard when I feel so betrayed, lonely and angry. Some nights I cannot sleep very well. I know she will never apologize for the hurt, or accept responsibility for any pain she may have caused (this is just not and never has been on her agenda), so how do I let that go? That desire for her to apologize, to recognize my pain, to understand how I feel (she cannot do this). I know I have to give this up, but how? How do I stay with compassion and love, while not hurting my eldest daughter?

Metta
un8-
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by un8- »

I understand your pain as I'm in a similar situation that's different. My spouse is amazing, but her parents are cold and pathological liars. My spouse hangs on to a pipe dream of her parents loving her, and her parents exploit that pipe dream to bring her back and to make her trust them again, which then will result in them backstabbing her again which will result in the cycle starting all over again.

Pipe dream -> sociopaths exploit pipe dream -> false hope -> vulnerability -> exploitation, abuse, backstab

So as long as you hold onto that pipe dream and don't accept things as they really are, you will be stuck in the cycle of abuse.

You have to accept that your wife is not going to change, and that you probably don't love her anymore. Truly see if you actually love her or not, clearly what she is doing to your kids is something that you do not love.

So I think being in denial and fantasizing in a pipe dream instead of accepting reality is only going to make things worse.

If you don't love your wife, don't sleep in the same bed as her, don't do things that people who love eachother do. If your goal is to protect your kids until they're older then do that. You could find a solution that doesn't involve you divorcing immediately but also not feeding the pipe dream that your wife will change.

Hope that helps a little
There is only one battle that could be won, and that is the battle against the 3 poisons. Any other battle is a guaranteed loss because you're going to die either way.
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DooDoot
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by DooDoot »

AshleyLake wrote: Fri Jul 09, 2021 6:57 am I feel like I am betraying my daughter if I forgive my wife.... How do I stay with compassion and love, while not hurting my eldest daughter?
Hello AL. Per the Dhamma, obviously the behaviour is incorrect, as follow:
The wife... shows her compassion to her husband in five ways:

(i) she performs her duties well,
(ii) she is hospitable to relations and attendants
(iii) she is faithful,
(iv) she protects what he brings,
(v) she is skilled and industrious in discharging her duties.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html
I suppose you can start in two places:

1. How much does this bother your eldest daughter? Is your concern her about your eldest daughter or is it about your own ideal about your two-fold family? Can your eldest daughter forgive your wife?

2. Four children could be too much for your wife to cope with; even though this issue may rooted in some type of biological jealously & narcissism. About this, the scriptures say:
Women have a man as their ambition. They’re preoccupied with adornments. They’re dedicated to their children. They insist on being without a co-wife. Their ultimate goal is authority [domination].

https://suttacentral.net/an6.52/en/sujato
There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.

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https://soundcloud.com/doodoot/anapanasati
AshleyLake
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by AshleyLake »

Yes thank you. ou are correct about the cycle. It is a roller coaster. I feel for you and your wife.
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Akashad
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by Akashad »

Hi Ashley,

I really sympathise with you.It's not easy leaving a relationship and if you don't feel like you can do it then do what you feel best.

My advice is to start practising metta bhavana hopefully this will change your situation.

Take care.

:candle:
Bundokji
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by Bundokji »

If your eldest daughter is living peacefully with her mother, then keeping a good relationship with her can help you forgive your wife. Sometimes people do not get along, this is a fact.
And the Blessed One addressed the bhikkhus, saying: "Behold now, bhikkhus, I exhort you: All compounded things are subject to vanish. Strive with earnestness!"

This was the last word of the Tathagata.
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Pondera
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by Pondera »

I used to fight a lot with my wife. For a time now we’ve been very happy and the fights have stopped. On my part I had to learn to be grateful for the things I have in life. I also had to pick up my own slack and stop complaining about keeping the house clean and in order. When I realized that a lot of our fights started with me not generating the impetus to keep the relationship stable, I put more effort into our marriage. I matured over time. I don’t squabble about small things that can be easily fixed. And because of that, my wife and I are very happy at this time.

Whereas none of the above may apply to your situation; I encourage you to ask your self “what part do I play in our arguments? Am I being a mature adult about things?”

If she insults you, is domineering, or abusive - do you react by lashing out? Do you act like a victim?

Both are equally defeating attitudes.

Let her act out without reacting.

If she is domineering, you may have to step up and “be a man”. Point out the controlling features. Don’t give in to demands.

Sorry. Can’t offer better advice. Best of luck.
Like the three marks of conditioned existence, this world in itself is filthy, hostile, and crowded
AshleyLake
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by AshleyLake »

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and trying to help with the suffering that I have. Metta.
AshleyLake
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by AshleyLake »

Akashad wrote: Fri Jul 09, 2021 7:43 pm Hi Ashley,

I really sympathise with you.It's not easy leaving a relationship and if you don't feel like you can do it then do what you feel best.

My advice is to start practising metta bhavana hopefully this will change your situation.

Take care.

:candle:
Thankyou
chownah
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by chownah »

Just another point of view or two....

You ended one relationship involving children....why not just end this one too? It is of course not ideal to do this but it seems unlikely that anything resembling an ideal will be coming whatever you do. It might be that the most important thing for you is to maintain a loving relationship with your children.....it might be easier to do this if you stop wasting time trying to fix an unfixable marriage and start using your time to develop the relationships with your children.

You have been living with this for a long time and you have not made it any better....by now it is probably too late....why do you think it can be fixed now if you haven't been able to fix it for years?

chownah
dharmacorps
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by dharmacorps »

OP, you have to consider also the implications for your children for you staying in an apparently loveless marriage with a person you don't like very much. It is not like that has no effect on children. Children know and see things.

If you genuinely believe your wife has more negative qualities than good ones, and is having a negative effect on your children, you may be doing a better thing by divorcing her. Just some thoughts without knowing more about your situation.
SteRo
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by SteRo »

dharmacorps wrote: Sun Jul 11, 2021 6:48 pm ... you may be doing a better thing by divorcing her.
I'd opt for that, too.
Cleared. αδόξαστος.
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DooDoot
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by DooDoot »

SteRo wrote: Mon Jul 12, 2021 12:11 pm
dharmacorps wrote: Sun Jul 11, 2021 6:48 pm ... you may be doing a better thing by divorcing her.
I'd opt for that, too.
Does sound so Buddhist to act so hastily. :|
The Pharisees asked him, “Why, then, did Moses give the law for a man to hand his wife a divorce notice and send her away?”

Matthew 19:7
There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.

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https://soundcloud.com/doodoot/anapanasati
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cappuccino
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by cappuccino »

AshleyLake wrote: Fri Jul 09, 2021 6:57 am our relationship was rock bottom and I was in so much emotional pain.
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cappuccino
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Re: Living with a toxic possibly narcisistic wife

Post by cappuccino »

Eckhart Tolle wrote:the pain body pretends to be the person
:candle:
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