Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
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bodom
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by bodom »

Sam Vara wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 7:07 pm
Jinny999 wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 6:47 pm Hi,

Sexual desire leads to rebirth, I got this, and it's endless rebirth and therefore full of suffering, I got this. But does sex gives me suffering in this life also? How? Can you explain?

Like, if I get married, and live a lay life, how does sex gives me suffering in this life?

I think I'm asking stupid question, but I want to solve this problem. And have good knowledge about this.

Thanks.
Sex can of course be a source of pleasure and even happiness, but there are many ways in which it can be a source of suffering.

It can lead to commitments which are difficult and expensive to maintain (marriage, children, etc.)
It can lead to all sorts of emotional problems such as envy, jealousy, infidelity, lack of self-esteem, etc.
It can lead to addiction.
There are sexually-transmitted infections.
It means we are largely focusing on gaining pleasure, rather than liberating ourselves from suffering.
It doesn't provide lasting fulfilment - whatever the romantic stories and the adverts say.
The sexual partner becomes dear to you, but is inevitably going to be lost through the ending of the relationship or death.
The sexual urge itself can be seen as being painful, a lack of something.
Giving in to sexual desire is another opportunity for our defilements to master us and drive our conduct.
:goodpost:

I would also add on to this excellent list those times when ones partner may have a "headache" and may not necessarily be in the mood. :tongue:

:namaste:
Liberation is the inevitable fruit of the path and is bound to blossom forth when there is steady and persistent practice. The only requirements for reaching the final goal are two: to start and to continue. If these requirements are met there is no doubt the goal will be attained. This is the Dhamma, the undeviating law.

- BB
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Sam Vara
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by Sam Vara »

bodom wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 9:33 pm
Sam Vara wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 7:07 pm
Jinny999 wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 6:47 pm Hi,

Sexual desire leads to rebirth, I got this, and it's endless rebirth and therefore full of suffering, I got this. But does sex gives me suffering in this life also? How? Can you explain?

Like, if I get married, and live a lay life, how does sex gives me suffering in this life?

I think I'm asking stupid question, but I want to solve this problem. And have good knowledge about this.

Thanks.
Sex can of course be a source of pleasure and even happiness, but there are many ways in which it can be a source of suffering.

It can lead to commitments which are difficult and expensive to maintain (marriage, children, etc.)
It can lead to all sorts of emotional problems such as envy, jealousy, infidelity, lack of self-esteem, etc.
It can lead to addiction.
There are sexually-transmitted infections.
It means we are largely focusing on gaining pleasure, rather than liberating ourselves from suffering.
It doesn't provide lasting fulfilment - whatever the romantic stories and the adverts say.
The sexual partner becomes dear to you, but is inevitably going to be lost through the ending of the relationship or death.
The sexual urge itself can be seen as being painful, a lack of something.
Giving in to sexual desire is another opportunity for our defilements to master us and drive our conduct.
:goodpost:

I would also add on to this excellent list those times when ones partner may have a "headache" and may not necessarily be in the mood. :tongue:

:namaste:
Or when you get to an age when you have the headache... :shock:
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bodom
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by bodom »

Sam Vara wrote: Or when you get to an age when you have the headache... :shock:
There was a time in my life where that scenario would be unthinkable but alas here we are :cry: :jumping:

:anjali:
Liberation is the inevitable fruit of the path and is bound to blossom forth when there is steady and persistent practice. The only requirements for reaching the final goal are two: to start and to continue. If these requirements are met there is no doubt the goal will be attained. This is the Dhamma, the undeviating law.

- BB
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cappuccino
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by cappuccino »

you can't give something up unless it's possible somehow


nor if you don't actually want it


at least that's ideally how it would work
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by DNS »

cappuccino wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 10:15 pm you can't give something up unless it's possible somehow
nor if you don't actually want it
at least that's ideally how it would work
That appears to have support from the teachings in the Vinaya. Eunuchs are not allowed to ordain. Perhaps because they physically can't do it, not because they are voluntarily giving it up.
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Post by sunnat »

The leper who cauterises or picks at wounds is an apt simile. Also consider the iceberg, the vast majority of its mass being below sea level, out of sight. Leprosy can lead to nerve damage that results in a lack of ability to feel pain. In other words the pain (iceberg mass below sea level) is not felt. Rather, what is seen, above sea level, is a pleasure. As one becomes more sensitised through awareness increased by deep meditation one becomes aware of the underlying pain that follow seemingly pleasurable activities and there is a natural disinclination to indulge in the activities that lead to pain. This may be understood by the intellect and believed by faith but the transformative true knowledge is reached by deep meditation that increases awareness, insight.
Jinny999
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by Jinny999 »

Thanks everyone, especially @Sam Vara and @Lucas Oliveira

Your content and your resources have helped me a lot.

Thanks.
justindesilva
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by justindesilva »

cappuccino wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 7:46 pm
samsarayoga wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 7:35 pm Sex is not suffering
Buddhism is for those who are sick


Not those who think they are healthy
Abhinandana sutta explains that taking delight in rupa vedana, sangna sankara vingnana are all suffering. And by not taking such delight suffering does not occur.
To say one who indulges on sex does delight on rupa vedana sangna sankara vingnana . Hence it is suffering .
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cappuccino
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by cappuccino »

justindesilva wrote: Wed Nov 23, 2022 2:51 am And by not taking such delight suffering does not occur.
Right
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by form »

Sam Vara wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 7:07 pm
Jinny999 wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 6:47 pm Hi,

Sexual desire leads to rebirth, I got this, and it's endless rebirth and therefore full of suffering, I got this. But does sex gives me suffering in this life also? How? Can you explain?

Like, if I get married, and live a lay life, how does sex gives me suffering in this life?

I think I'm asking stupid question, but I want to solve this problem. And have good knowledge about this.

Thanks.
Sex can of course be a source of pleasure and even happiness, but there are many ways in which it can be a source of suffering.

It can lead to commitments which are difficult and expensive to maintain (marriage, children, etc.)
It can lead to all sorts of emotional problems such as envy, jealousy, infidelity, lack of self-esteem, etc.
It can lead to addiction.
There are sexually-transmitted infections.
It means we are largely focusing on gaining pleasure, rather than liberating ourselves from suffering.
It doesn't provide lasting fulfilment - whatever the romantic stories and the adverts say.
The sexual partner becomes dear to you, but is inevitably going to be lost through the ending of the relationship or death.
The sexual urge itself can be seen as being painful, a lack of something.
Giving in to sexual desire is another opportunity for our defilements to master us and drive our conduct.
Your analysis is so good
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Goofaholix
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by Goofaholix »

Yes

Do you want it? did you get it? if not that is suffering.

Did you get it? was it after much obsession, hard work, sacrifice, scheming, if so that's suffering.

Did you get it? are you now fully satisfied? if not that is suffering.

Did you get it? did it come with an unwanted pregnancy? STDs? social awkwardness?, if so that's suffering.
Pronouns (no self / not self)
“Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.”
― Ajahn Chah
BrokenBones
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by BrokenBones »

Depends on what positions you're trying 😅

But of course it's suffering. The warm afterglow is wonderful... and after that? You're breaking your neck again to achieve the next orgasm and the next and the next... never mind all the little 'sufferings' one endures to achieve your goal which is so temporary and ultimately unsatisfying.
TRobinson465
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by TRobinson465 »

Excluding things like STDs or commitment issues, not really if you just go by sex directly. If you are trying to achieve spiritual happiness in this life sex is a hindrance tho, so it will hinder your present life achievement of greater spiritual happiness and that is suffering in a way. the Buddha also said that all sensual pleasures are suffering, you just dont know it yet until youre enlightened. In the same way someone with itching skin will only think scratching thier skin is pleasant when in reality it is painful and would be painful if they werent infected with a skin disease.
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DNS
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by DNS »

[trigger warning for those who don't like jokes]

An older couple hooked up together online and agreed to date and possibly get married.

The man asked the woman:
How often would you like to have sex?

Woman:
I would like it infrequently.

Man:
When you said 'infrequently' was that one word or two words?
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Johann
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Re: Does sex gives me suffering in this life?

Post by Johann »

Jinny999 wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 6:47 pm Hi,

Sexual desire leads to rebirth, I got this, and it's endless rebirth and therefore full of suffering, I got this. But does sex gives me suffering in this life also? How? Can you explain?

Like, if I get married, and live a lay life, how does sex gives me suffering in this life?

I think I'm asking stupid question, but I want to solve this problem. And have good knowledge about this.

Thanks.
Aside of the many suffering, efforts, pain... hours, years, lifetime, for a second intensive touch of sensuality, the dirt, smell, death, cheating, wrong doing and even wars around it, those addicted are bond to suffer, seeking their whole lifes just for that what's subject of decay and low joy.

It's helpful to observe from more far, maybe the village dogs, who actually often gained blessed circumstances, but nevertheless are bond to fight, bond to unease, bond firm in Maras spheres.
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